[baby_love]

Hi Everyone,
I have been lurking here for a very long time. I just wanted to let you all know that you have been an inspiration to me wether you know it or not.
My Dh and I have fostered for 3 years (OH DHS) and finalized the adoption of our two sons In October 2005. D is 7 and K is 4. I have now met my match with the fostering of our 8 yr old fd. We have never taken in a child as old as her. I feel like I have become an enforcer of rule and regulations. We have been very firm and consistant, but it has been very rough going in only the month and 1/2 that we have had her. I feel bad for her but I know she is doing what is "normal" for her.
How do you deal with constant lying? This is something that we have a lot of. Thanks for listening.

[jackiesbooks]

How long has she been in care? Is she in therapy? I am not sure I can help. Is lying the only issue?

[Howdy]

There is a tape (or CD) called Lying Cheating and Stealing by Foster Cline (or maybe by Jim Fay) of the Love and Logic institute, and I enjoyed listening to it, but alas I don't remember what it said! Either it or another book said to go along with the story but with a tone of voice that makes it obvious that you don't really believe it. I tried that with my first foster child who was 7 yrs old and she told stories all the time. She didn't have any trouble detecting my true feelings because I'd agree and she'd pick up on my tone and insist that it was so true. A couple of her stories turned out to be misunderstandings, like when she said she'd lived in Pennsylvania and then much later it turned out she didn't understand that the street of the that name is not the same as the state. And she said she used to live in a castle, and it turned out that her mom's boyfriend's family had a castle in Spain 300 yrs ago, so probably she'd heard 'we had a castle' and misunderstood.
Other of her stories were things like telling daycare I'd broken my leg, that our dog had died, etc. She told more crazy stories when she was under a lot of stress than at other times.

[bjhv5]

We have an 8yo that has now been with us for 5 months now and we are JUST NOW getting to where the lying is getting better.We jsut did not let her get away with any lie no matter how small it was.And she still lies sometimes but nothing like she was.

We did get her into therapy and she was dx with ADHD.I would at least get her evaluated to see if she needs therapy.F is our first "older" fc and we almost had her moved because we did no think we could deal with her any longer but we fought to have her and her sister placed with us so that the sib could be together(we had the 2 younger sibs) But DH nad I agreed that we would not let an 8yo beat us(so to speak).
Good Luck and it does get better!!

[tctwhite]

We had a FD that would lie terribly and she was only 4 ! She would go tell her parents that she was taken by us to go visit her grandmother, told a Dr one time that we didn't fee her (and it was painfully obvious that she was eating because she was 4 and weighed in at a hefty 75 pounds), and would lie to us about everything under the sun. The way we got through to her after exhausting all of our other punishments was if she told a lie, didn't matter if it was first thing in the morning, we took every toy away from her for that day and then started over the following morning. It made for some very boring days for her and insane days for me as she was always under my feet. But if worked whereas nothing else would. She has since left me but I know I made a difference with her even though what I had to do with her was tough on all of us. GL with yours and I hope it gets better!

[lovemy6]

You are doing all the right things. Now, you need to eliminate the opportunity for her to lie. I know this is hard, I've been dealing with it from my 9 yr old for a year now. I don't ask questions (ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies). I don't let him play alone with other kids (If I can't trust you with the little things, like telling the truth, how can I trust you with big things, like being around other kids alone). I keep him in close proximity as much as possible (it helps with the bonding and reduces their anxiety, which is the reason some kids lie). I keep him very busy (also helps with keeping his mind occupied so he doesn't have a lot of time to think up his stories). I try to play and have as much fun as possible with him.

Good luck. Deborah Hage has a great article about lying on her website.