[naca]

A little background - we just adopted our 17mo FD ( who we had since birth) 2weeks ago. The nite I brought her home from the hospital, DH told me that he wanted to adopt her if she came available..
We now have a 4mo FS that we've had since birth.. We've been thru heart surgery with him and I'm very attached.. I mentioned to DH when I brought him home from the hospital at birth that this was my pick and I wanted to keep him if he came up for adoption.. Fast forward to today.. BMom has been missing since the day of N's surgery.. No one has heard from her since. The CW had told us almost a month ago (when ** disappeared) to be keeping in the back of our minds that this case will no longer be going to RU and to decide if we wanted to adopt.. We saw CW yesterday and she mentioned again that we needed to let her know really soon if we were interested in adopting or not b/c otherwise she wanted to move him to another home as they had a few that were wanting to adopt a child.. DH says no- he doesn't "Feel it".. whatever that means.. He doesn't mind adopting again but thinks it's too soon after Teyla's adoption and would rather wait and let her get a bit bigger.. Now I haven't discussed this with him b/c all I can do is burst into tears.. I guess I need advice? Do I try to discuss it with DH and change his mind? Or do I just go ahead and have him moved? The older kids (8 & 10) have been asking for months if we could adopt him .. So I guess in family dynamics it's me +2 kids wanting to adopt and just DH not wanting to.. On one hand I say no, dont adopt b/c he needs a Mom & a Dad that want him.. But on the other I say fight for him b/c he's my baby... I dont really know what to do.. I'm sure there will be other babies and other chances later and we didn't get into fostering to adopt anyway.. But its very hard to have this baby from the very beginning and then be offered to keep him only to have to say no.. I've also never had a long term RU'd or moved so maybe that's part of it. I just look at him and want to cry..

Thoughts or advice??
THanks!

[mrstkg1]

Hello,

I can tell from your post how really torn you are. And it is very hard to let them go. However, I would honor your husbands wishes. And really children shouldn't get a vote since they are not the ones signing on for life long responsibility and they don't have the maturity to really understand.

Also, consider that you giving him up could be an answer to prayer and fondest wish and dream for another couple who would so desparately want and love your child. Notice I said, "your child", because I totally understand that sentiment and I wish you and your family the best.

Just a thought.

Jami

[aunlanpo]

Ugh. You poor thing.

I think you should talk to him... find out if there is some fear there that is interfering. To me, it looks like fear. Maybe he feels inadequate in some way. But if it isn't fear and it really is just about not "feeling it," well, that is such a real thing, an important thing, a critical point. I think you would just have to support him. I don't have to tell you, you know already, he's first. ugh. I know it doesn't seem fair, he decided for the first, and now it's your turn to decide. But he probably made that agreement based on the unrealistic assumption that he would never have any problem "feeling it." So, his agreement wasn't based on anything real, but on a hope, which is impossible to anticipate. But find out where his fear might lie. Money? Baby's health? Long term prognosis? Is he already feeling stretched? etc.

Hugs
Aundrea

[naca]

Thanks ladies! I will talk to dh.. I'm really not sure what his real issue is.. We've talked casually of 'when N gets big maybe he'll play baseball' -when at a baseball game of my bioson's.. or names that we like and dont like.. I guess I figured that although initially he didn't feel the connection he would come to feel it eventually.. Then we get throw with this -choose now so we can move him- from the CW, I think he just reacts back to his initial thoughts.. Anyway, thanks for the advice, I will talk to him.. If he really can't see adopting this little one, then I will just pray that the home that gets him really appreciates and loves him.