[ml4474]

How much should I do to help the kids get to see their parents? I have been a visiting resource for three children since March. I am working on becoming their foster parent and they will be placed with me on September 15th once I have completed the class. The mother does not have transportation so on two occasions I have taken the kids to their mother’s boyfriend’s sister’s house so they could spend the day with their mother. It is 40 miles round trip making for 80 miles in one day – plus my other daily runs with the kids. Now, the father has shown up and he does not have transportation. SW asked that I take the kids to see him – another 40 mile round trip. The mileage is getting expensive but my real question is how much should I do for these parents? I have not seen them make any effort to get to their kids without my help. My husband does not think it is a good idea to start a pattern of taking them to see their bio parents because the kids, SWs, and parents will start expecting me to make these trips. What are your thoughts and has anyone else confronted this issue?

[hubbyswife]

I think u should do the bare minimum. I'm sorry but the bparents need to make an effort and catch a bus or something. Find a ride, something. That's a looong drive for you and the kids. Maybe meet half way. I just think when u give the system an inch they take a foot.

[DianeScraps]

I did the transport with our girls, because the girls requested it.

If that is not an issue, then I would have the social workers doing it - then you aren't doing the mileage.

If you do get stuck doing the mileage I would check on your agency policy for mileage reimbursement. My agency reimburses over 150 miles per month - which includes medical (therapy) appointments and such.

Diane

[hotspice58]

When I started fostering, DSS had "drivers" to take the kids for visits. Now, it's the case workers. I don't have a problem and we get reimbursed for mileage; depends on the birth parents. Some try and make the effort and some feel that foster families should do all the work. (Not happening)!

[bjhv5]

I took my guys when they had visits to the visitation center but it was up to bparents to get there.I would not go out of my way to help them,They have to show they are willing to make some effort and sacrifice to get the kids back.Here the system helps them enough.

[ml4474]

Another question, during the ISP the bio mother sd I was rude because I don't want to talk to her on the phone or when I'm dropping off the kids. I do not want to be friends with her. But she wants to have chit chats... Is there anyone out there that became friends with bio parent?

[oliviasmom2be]

I think it depends on the plan for the kids....I personally feel that it is BP's responsibility to make the effort. If they can't then that says a lot about what is important to them. Their kids weren't taken because they were good parents. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I feel that we are too quick to assuage responsibilty.

[twinflana]

Yes I have become friends with my 8 month old's mother. She calls me at least once a week and when I can get off work I take the baby for the visit but that isnt very often. The mom lets me stay in the room during the visit. I find out more about the case than I would from just the caseworker.

[Tudu]

I have found it very helpful, for the children, to develop a relationship with the parents. You do not have to be best friends but make the effort to be polite. As far as visits go, I always do them. If someone has to transport them I want it to be me, ask to be reimbursed for the mileage. It would be nice if the parents do their part but if not I want the kids to know I am there for them and support the visits.

[vernellinnj]

I have had 2 foster children (including my current). I work full time and I have never facilitated a visit. The workers pick up the children from daycare and return them there..I have never had a problem and the kids do fine.

[hubbyswife]

We keep everything to a bare minimum. Like someone said the kids aren't taken b/c they are good parents. We only met bmom of FD2 b/c we were going on a trip and she was saying no but since she met us she said yes.

We are polite that's it. I'm not going to become buddies w her or anything like that.

[stevenstwin]

I have to admit that I've avoided even MEETING the bios. I've seen them from a distance at visits when I drop A. off, but of course he is old enough to go in by himself. He doesn't want me to meet them, and I don't think they're too anxious to meet me, either! I just would have a heck of a time being civil with what I know, and I'm sure that my attitude would show even if I tried to hide it. They are very dirty, low class people. My poor daughter met the dad at the grocery store - she was in line right in front of him. She said he smelled so bad she was gagging, and was swearing a blue streak. I'm NOT a snob, but I know it sounds like it! Sorry. As for facilitating visits - I do only what I'm told by the Social Worker that I must. The plan is TPR, so I don't feel that I need to be helping the same way I might if the plan was RU

[ml4474]

stevenstwin - I think we have similar situations. These children are older so I do not feel the need to walk them to the car. When I have (once) the mother puts on a show for me. I know this because the kids got in the car talking about why was mom saying all that stuff? She was acting wierd. She has also gotten into several fights... To tell you the truth, I stay in my car because I'm scared of her. She has called the children's friend's parents and cursed them out and now they are no longer allowed to call a lot of their friends.

I also think that meeting half way is a great idea. That way I'm not doing all the work and it shows some effort on the parent's part.

They have been in a group home for a little over 3 years and I've seen them more in the last few months than she has in the entire 3 years.

[jigger]

The judge in our case specifically said that the onus for visits was on the cw and the bio-mom and that my husband and I were not to be inconvenienced in any way. Sometimes, I meet the sw somewhere a littel closer to her office but only if I'm going to be in the area anyway. If you are not getting reimbursed for this mileage,I say don't do it. Also, you are right. If you keep doing it, it will just become expected. If you set some expectations now it will save you headaches in the future.

[oliviasmom2be]

I wrote that I would not drive my FD to visit the **. I wanted to clarify that I take her to her weekly visit at the DCFS office, I just won't cater to **'s transportation issues. I have been asked to wait an hour past visitation time because she is late, change the day of the visit AFTER I have shown up at the right time, etc. I sit in on most of the visits my FD has - she is a baby and is pretty attached to us having been with us for 5 months. She doesn't react to ** well and I don't want to leave her if she will be upset. The point to this post - I have learned so much by staying and being cordial to **. Things I would have never known. If you can gleen information about your FD without it being a hardship or a risk to you, I would recommend it.