[cgreagor]

Hi there, I just found this website and so glad to have you guys here to talk to. We are taking in a 1 year old relative in the next week or so. His mother is in big trouble with drugs and is due with another baby in 2 months. We are taking that little one too!
Is anyone else out there fostering relatives? We are finding that there is not a lot of help from the State when fostering someone in your own family. If we didn't these babies would not be in our family anymore! Their mother is most likely not getting them back (she all ready lost her 10 year old son years ago)
Any advice out there?
thanks so much
Christy

[Ashbre]

I filed a complaint with CPS against my stepdaughter (with hubby's ok) on Feb 28th and on Mar 16th, the judge decided to give us the 2 little ones over the objections of my stepdaughter and her b/f and his family.

We've been told from the beginning that SD won't be getting them back and the social worker says that he will be filing a motion to grant us full permanent custody in September.

And no, other than providing a check each month and initial startup costs, they don't provide much for you. We're supposed to have a CASA worker but there isn't one - it would be great if there were so that she/he could take the granddaughter to the parenting classes that stepdaughter has been ordered to take part in.

Also, the stepdaughter seems to think that she doesn't really have to follow the rules since its us and not a foster parent. And then all she does is tell the social worker that I'm making up stories and he doesn't do anything (case in point - children's father is to have no contact at all in any way, shape or form yet yesterday SD put him on the phone with Re (the granddaughter). We ended the call as we were told to do and I called the worker to let him know. He asked SD about it and she denied that he was on the phone with Re so he just dropped it. Of course, I had to tell him that she had denied it to hubby as well but he caught her in a slip and then she admitted it. Social worker was like, "Oh really?". But still, nothing is being done.

SD is on supervised visits b/c when the judge said at court that the father was to have no contact, we told the judge that SD wouldn't abide by it.

The grandchildren are a boy, Ryan, who will be 1 on the 12th and a girl, Reonna, who will be 3 in August. Father is a crack dealer, stepdaughter admitted to having sold it as well, power was bout to be shut off due to a $1300 power bill, water was already off, medical neglect was involved and stepdaughter didn't have the children on public assistance or WIC or anything!!!

Can certainly understand what you're going through. Feel free to vent whenever you want.

Donna
Kentucky

[cgreagor]

Thanks Donna for writing me back. I hate this waiting! The cousin who has him know wants to slowly get him used to us but the longer he stays with her the harder it will be for him to move in with us. She told me it was hard getting in contact the SW at times and she is in limbo too.
We are hoping to have him move in with us and our 3 children next week. He has had no social life with other children but is a sweet heart for all he has been thur...
thanks again
Christy

[Chancey]

In some states there is kinship care money available. In Texas it is $1000 up front and then $500 for each child each year. Of course, you have to really fight for that, most CW's won't tell you about it. If you don't get that you are not really helped with anything at all - except Medicaid.

You do have the option of getting licensed as foster parents and then you would receive the foster parent stipend. Also, if you work, you may get daycare paid for as a foster parent.

You HAVE to ask and push for anything and everything... they typically will not give it to you.

[Hadley2]

We're in the same boat. The disparaging attitude toward and lack of support for relatives all around is disgraceful. Even on these boards, you will run across a strong anti-family bias and prejudice. It is hard to understand, so personally I've stopped trying and just do the best I can.

You need to get proactive and stop letting this be something that "happens" to you and your family.

Get licensed, become a "real" foster parent. It will only benefit you and the children for you to have these classes. They will also clue you in to the services (yes, even a one-year-old may need theraplay or attachment therapy) and benefits the children should be receiving. If your child has been denied fc benefits because you are related and not licensed, it will open those doors.

Learn your state's statutes and foster care policies backwards and forwards. Some of this you will get in the fc classes, but you need to learn faster. This is not hard. It is all on the internet--start with your state's website and the National Clearinghouse on Children etc., even just google "State of Oregon foster care policy" or fc procedure or something similar. Don't depend on word-of-mouth advice from ANYONE, esp. the caseworkers. Check it out at the source.

As another poster said, ASK ASK ASK for services. If your child has a Medicaid card, you may be able to just go ahead and schedule medical and dental appointments and therapy as well. Don't expect that the agency has done ANYTHING itself to take care of this child--ours came to us after four months in another fh with multiple medical issues that had gone unnoticed and untreated (she couldn't hear!!!), hadn't seen a dentist in two years and hadn't been screened for certain conditions that had been in the birth home.

You may need to get a lawyer at some point. For sure, if you decide to adopt. The agency may try hard to get you to take guardianship or custody instead to save them the time and trouble of doing a TPR. Be aware that these statuses can put you, your family and the children at risk for a childhood of costly litigation over visitation, medical and educational authority, etc. and take away your children's Title IV-E eligibility for Medicaid, services and subsidy. It is a cheap way for states to dump special needs kids on emotionally vulnerable, responsible, totally unresourced and legally unprotected relatives.

Our experience has not been easy. The cw is basically well intentioned, but she works for a director who only sees the bottom line and an old-fashioned notion of family and children's (lack of) rights. Legitimacy as a foster parent and real information are your best allies even if you are working with a progressive agency. Good luck.

[MPJJJ]

We were almost in your situation a few months ago. I just want to say Good Luck, it really is in the best interest of the child to have a relationship with good members of the biological family.

[stevenstwin]

I'm not in this situation, but have friends who are, and the BIGGEST problem is boundaries. It is pretty gosh-darn rare for a bio parent to EVER show up unannounced at a foster parents' house (they often don't even have an address), but it is much more common if the foster parents are their own parents or siblings, etc. I've heard complaints of unannounced visits, phone calls at inappropriate times, and requests to allow things they aren't supposed to be doing - accompanied with all the guilt and drama of saying "no" to someone that you probably love, even if you know they aren't capable of parenting at this time. This can sometimes divide families a bit too - in the case I'm thinking of, the husband sees no problem with bending the rules for his daughter, but the wife is adamant about following them to the letter - so they disagree sometimes.

[cgreagor]

Thanks for all the info gals! It has been very helpful. We are just starting the process this week and have been playing phone tag with the CW.
I do have to still be come licensed to become a foster parent for kinship here in OR. Not as many rights or help but still is has to be official. Very nervous but excited at the same time and just not sure what to expect. Once I talk to the CW I will know more details of what is expected from me.
The little one year old will visit during the days this week to get used to us and hopefully move in next week. It will take me that long to get his room ready. Wasn't expecting more children so I took over our spare room and made it into my office. Need to move all the big furniture out and child proof the room again. My 3 children are looking forward to having him in our house too!
thanks again
Christy

[stevenstwin]

I know what you mean about the "not as many rights, but I still have to...."! I have a foster son who started out as a high school student of mine - they put us under the "kinship" program even though we are NOT related. I had to go through ALL the same stuff, and come to find out that I only get less than HALF of what his former foster parents were getting in compensation. It makes me scratch my head a bit! I get the basic rate - THEY were getting "skills fees" because he is "code 42" - behaviour/emotional disorder.

[Hadley2]

Once you are licensed, there should be NO difference in the Title IV-E protections, services and benefits your fc is entitled to whether or not you are related. If a local agency is trying to tell you that you are somehow not entitled, they are, well, not understanding and doing their job properly.

Title IV-E is for the kids; any eligible child in foster care with a licensed provider should get just as much help. Check your state's website, there is information there. Where it talks about licensed foster care, it does not say "unless a relative." Where it talks about kinship care, it does not talk about licensed care. Once you are licensed, you are a licensed home that just happens to be related--a reason for placement, but not a reason to discount services. The reason for kinship "discount" is not that you are related and the child is therefore somehow less worthy, it is that the "kinship" designation is for unlicensed placement.

Even then, though legal, I think it is illogical to pay unlicensed relatives a smaller subsidy. The subsidy is meant to be reimbursement, not compensation. Please don't flame me, but I would guess that the average relative pulled into a family crisis situation has fewer resources and is less prepared than the average middle-class foster family that chose and planned this course and could therefore use more help, not less. Anyway, I like the idea of requiring relatives to start the licensing process as soon as possible.

Again, good luck on this journey.

[sjjellybean]

Like other poster have said definitely get licensed. I have two nephews living with me and i made the mistake of not getting licensed. We knew from the beginning that we would not be reimbursed but were never told about licensing. It took CPS 6 months to place the boys with us, ample time to be licensed. We are now in the process of adopting and have to obtain the license anyways. I am not looking for the money but I am a 23 year old college student who just became a mother of a 21 month and 3 year old. If we were already licensed we would have finished the adoption months ago.

[DCMomLady]

I guess I'm the rare exception here. When CPS in Montana seized my great-niece, I was asked by my niece to fight for custody. It took less than 8 weeks to satisfy the assigned caseworkers in two states as to our fitness and determination, and we visited the baby every other week (2,000 mile round-trip) during the waiting period. The ICPC arrangement qualified us for many benefits in our state (WA) including developmental assessments and treatment as needed.

We had a caseworker who visited at least once a month. She also helped us navigate the system and secure benefits like Medicaid, dental and nutritional services, and the TANF grant ($364 a month in our state -- it varies). Although this is Aid to Needy Families, it does not require you to be needy. It considers the child as needy and is based on the child's financial circumstances, not your's.

When my niece and her husband were TPR'd by trial, both state's offered to help with our adoption paperwork, but we opted to adopt privately using the attorney we had originally hired to be the child's Guardian ad Litum. Had we used our state's social services, our daughter would have qualified for continuing benefits including a free college education. It was our choice to adopt privately because we hoped to avoid some of the stigma of a CPS adoption.

We had our daughter with us for six months under the Kinship Care agreement, which is really little more than a contract to babysit for the agency that retains custody. You must have their permission for everything from childcare arrangements to travel plans. We chose not to apply for a foster parent license because of the extensive training required and the backlog of people waiting for the classes.
We were given permanent legal custody by the trial judge on the day the birthparent's TPRs were finalized. Our petition to adopt was submitted to the same judge on the same day.

I commend you and your wife for wanting to rescue these little ones. I wish you the same success that we had.

(My husband has reminded me that our process wasn't really painless. There were lots of snags and SNAFUs, too many reports to make, and more than a few lines to stand in. I guess it's a bit like labor pains -- when it's over, you forget just how difficult it was! )

[cgreagor]

Thanks again everyone for the info and advice. I guess I am just frustrated with their system. We want to get moving on this and help this little one year old feel loved and not so alone.
We are waiting for the Social Worker to get things moving but since we are in different Cities and this is not a "emergancy case to them" they are in no hurry. They are just mad because the original Foster relative changed her mind about taking him and we volunteered to do it since she is not able to. No one returns our phone calls and we play phone tag all the time. I am praying something will happent this week. This little boy is going between 2 homes becuase they will not move the process along. He stays the night at my cousins who started the process 3 weeks ago but because of finances she cannot do it. We stepped in and said we would! He comes to us during the day because my cousin works full time and cannot afford day care and the State will not help out. Then he goes back to her at night. Poor little boy is so confused on who to attach himself too.
We are so ready for him to move in and he has taken to us so well. There are so many things to learn about this process but again very frustrating since the system is not listening to us and not moving it along. It is always "we will call you back!" ARGH!!

Thanks everyone and keep giving the advice....I think this will be a journey we will never forget!
Christy

[Hadley2]

You could ask the agency to approve a 30-day family "visit" to your home. If you have passed the criminal checks, there is no barrier to that. If the placement work isn't finished by then, he goes back to the cousin's for a day then has another 30-day "visit" with you.

Day care--most fc placements in most states qualify for subsidized day care so that the fp can work. Only in the old days were fp's required to have one adult at home. Your agency does not seem to be treating your family fairly.

[cgreagor]

Well, things are moving along and since we live 90 minutes away from the county working on this......paperwork is in the mail. Told today that the State does not have any money to help us out but they will give us a check for 100.00 for a clothing alotment since he was taken from his house with nothing.
The BP will have weekly visits for the next 60 days and and the CW is not happy about driving up here (the 90 minute drive to our house). I volunteered tomorrow to meet halfway but will not again becuase we figure it will cost us 80.00 a month in gas just to meet her halfway and if they are not willing to help us out money wise for the stuff he needs then we will not make it easy on them!
I hate being this way but they just don't do things fairly or make it easy on the FP. I may try the 30-day visit suggestion becuase they are saying it will be another 2 weeks before he can be placed in our home besides us babysitting him during the day. We are waiting for the background check paperwork to come in and then we will mail that off to them quickly to get stuff moving.
Do any of you have any other suggestions for other resources to help out with money issues? Someone mentioned CASA but not sure what that is. CW is not that forward in giving other resources for us to look into.
Christy

Soon to be FP of a beautiful one year old boy!