[AlekseiGirl]

Last week I got a 4 year old girl. She's the oldest foster child I've ever had. She brought several things with her, including stuffed animals that are really dirty. She has this one bear that is covered in dirt and has some questionable spots on the foot. The nose is chewed off, and it just looks incredibly dirty. But, she immediately put it in her bed and she sleeps with it every night. I'd like to offer to buy her a new one, but I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her that her bear is yucky. Any ideas on how to handle this? She has a few besides the bear that I would like to see gone. I am willing to buy her all new toys. What do you think?

[shy_bear]

Have you tried washing it? Put it in a pillow case on delicate cycle.

[tpakra]

I wouldn't do anything for the time being. This poor little girl just left her home, and that stuffed animal is one of the only familiar things that she has right now. Give her some time to adjust to your home before you go and change even more on her. Once she gets more comfortable, talk to her about giving her 'baby' a bath.

[stevenstwin]

It's funny that you mention this, since we saw a film in our foster parent training that included that EXACT same issue. The foster mom in that case gave her some time, and then they gave the bear a "bath" together and a new ribbon. In that case, her reluctance to wash the bear turned out to be because she was identifying it with her own violation and abuse. Anyway, I definitely wouldn't buy new ones! That would make her feel that she'd lost the last thing she had from home. Or you could buy a couple new ones and see if she 'takes' to them - but not buy them to directly replace the other ones.

[swanzie]

I have found that when the little one settles in and more bears and stuff has been added to her collection - the old ones can disapear without their knowledge. I just took the stuff and put it into a storage tub in the cellar - the stuff they came with and anything that was recieved at visits that I thought was inappropriate - like budwiser PJ's for a 13 year old - they made it to the laundry - but the the monster in the cellar must have liked them LOL

Neither of my kids have asked where things have gone - but I didn't do this right away like I said earlier - I let them become comfortable first.

I like the pp's idea of bathing the teddy bear together - maybe you have an old one that needs a bath also??

[Faith65]

I would not throw this bear away. It is the one thing that she has had and truly is bonded too. Yes she may forget about it at sometime but...how terible to get moved from place to place without any history. Remeber many of these kids will never have baby pictures so I would try bathing it at some point and time. And if it is put aside for another toy I would pack it away and keep it close for her at some other time. She may like to know you thought about her bear and her enough to protect him from being forgot or trashed.

I know how my fd to adopt daughter would feel and she's 14 now without any attachment to her childhood and she would like some at least a picture or two even a shirt.

[~*Max*~]

Originally Posted by Faith65

I would not throw this bear away. It is the one thing that she has had and truly is bonded too. Yes she may forget about it at sometime but...how terible to get moved from place to place without any history. Remeber many of these kids will never have baby pictures so I would try bathing it at some point and time. And if it is put aside for another toy I would pack it away and keep it close for her at some other time. She may like to know you thought about her bear and her enough to protect him from being forgot or trashed.

I know how my fd to adopt daughter would feel and she's 14 now without any attachment to her childhood and she would like some at least a picture or two even a shirt.

I agree with this exactly. Maybe you could take her to a build a bear place and get that bear a playmate. But never, ever get rid of it. Wash it, yes, eventually, but she should not lose this piece of her past.

[Schnider1]

Try sneaking it away and washing it on gentle cycle. If it's her lovey....she won't except a new one. My BD has a pink bear that she's been attached to since she was 4 months old. She is now 5 yo and I just have to wash it. It looks awful but it's clean. Your FD may be willing to give up some of the ones she's not so attached to and replace with new ones. I would ask her

[JocelynC]

Yeah I wouldn't throw it away. That toy is a source of comfort for her in an unfamiliar environment, I wouldn't even wash it without maybe talking to her about that first.

[DianeS]

I wouldn't even wash the bear without her agreement. Sometimes the very SMELL of home or of anything familiar is comforting.

If you're concerned, the child can have a bath every morning, so you know she's not starting the day with dirt from the bear on her hands or face. Or perhaps the bear needs some pajamas... you know, something to cover the dirt that won't take away the smell. But it may take away the feel, so be sure to ask about that too.

If the bear carried anything that could cause disease, you'd know already. I know it's yucky, you wouldn't have said anything about it otherwise. You want it gone, she obviously wants it to stay. In the end, it's just dirt. There will be plenty of things later that you'll need to take a stand on, I wouldn't start with the bear. Even as dirty as it is, it isn't likely to hurt anything and seems to be such a comfort to the child even in its present state.

[nvywife]

When my foster daughter came to me i thought she had lice so i washed everything even her stuffed animals. even though oi didnt want to for the familiarity thing but i felt it would be better for her to be able to sleep with them that night. well one came out of the wash looking like straight garbage so i threw it away thinking she is a baby and wouldnt miss it. turns out that bear had been in the family for three generations and was irreplacable. Man!! i really screwed up that one.

[stevenstwin]

Ouch, nvywife! That's kind of a painful story - but a pretty strong message. Thanks for sharing!

[DianeScraps]

Please don't throw it away. My foster daughters came at 4 & 7 with not one single 'prized possesion'

I would give her a bit of adjustment and tell her it is bath time for the pet and put it in a pillowcase and wash on delicate.

Diane

[ml4474]

I agree that it should not be thrown away. After hearing nvywife's story, I would wash it carefully with the child's help - maybe at her bath time? This is her only piece of her old home and no matter how horrible it was - it was her home and she does and will love her bios.

[heartbeat]

Ditto on never getting rid of it. I'm 49 and still have the bear I got the day I was adopted. Granted, it's not one I came with, but it's meaningful to have something that's been with me my whole life.

Warmly, heartbeat (ps I also agree on the waiting to wash. Even if the smell doesn't comfort her, little ones can get touchy about messing with their things. She might consider herself to be that bear's mommy and be very protective)