[vesw01]

They say they want the girls back, yet they cancelled both Friday visits the last two weeks and don't get to make them up-"it just wasn't a good week". Neither one has a job - so it isn't like they have anything else going on to keep them from visiting. I feel awful for my kids - as soon as they hear the word visit (in any conversation) they think tomorrow is the day. We can't even do a count down on the calendar b/c the parents are unreliable.

I was so focused on getting these girls back home, but I am loosing faith. They are going on being in care for 6 months and they are no closer to going home. I am trying hard to not get too attached and not to think they are staying with us, but reality is setting in.

Help......... I am really struggling. I really like their mom and K really wants to go back home (she is 3) and we don't know that we could afford to keep them (paying for 2 more in daycare - we already have one)...so I don't know what to think ... I know stop thinking and let it all happen, but boy not having control is HARD!!

Sometimes I just want to meet up with the parents and shake them to wake them up.........come on parents meet us part way - making all the visits is the first step in the proces.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

[brl]

I feel for you. We had a little boy whose mom was supposed to meet us at McDonalds for visits. She rarely did. It got to the point that I would park at a store across the street and call my wife if they came, and she would bring him to the visit to be dropped off.

If she no showed, he never knew.
I got tired of his disappointment!

Bio's don't realize how much they are loved.

[mom2GRLC]

I think it's fine to be supportive of reuninfication but really you have no control over what is going to happen. I wouldn't get your hopes up or the childs. When I realized our little gril was most likely going home to her birthmom (although very hard and sad for us) I was so happy for her and for my little girl(along with nervous). I prepared my little girl to go. We even packed her stuff up together the night before court. Then a suprise turn in the case changed everythign and a week later her birthmom signed away her rights. I was soooooo mad at her. But more mad at myself. I could have saved my daughter from all that confusion if I would have just waited until after court to talk to her or just kept things at the "I don't know we just have to wait and see what the judge says" kinda thing. At the time I thought I was doing what was best for her. But it ended up causing her a huge amount of confusion and anger/sadness. I just remember my 3 year old little girl crying in her little toddler bed and me lying their snuggling with her. She was so angry and hurt.

I guess what I'm just trying to say is just focus on your family and let her know how much she is loved by everyone. But try and shield her from unessary heart ache. If there is a visit planned don't tell her about it. Do as the above poster said or just wait and let it be a suprise when they actually show up.

As far as talking to her about her going home be honest with her. Tell her that her parents love her very much but they aren't able to care for her like she deserves. Tell her the judge wants her parents to do some things to be better parents and it's up to them to show the judge they can be better parents. Hopefully they will show the judge that they can do the things they are supposed to . If they can't the judge may have to find her new parents that will love her very much and take care of her like they are supposed to. Then when she does talk about her parents just remind her that they do love her very much and you hope they are doing what they are supposed to so they can show the judge what a good job they've done. That way your being supportive of "her being taken care of properly(however that may come to be)" not that all the focus is on her parents and her going home.

[mom2GRLC]

Also if she's been in care for 6months and they still are showing no progress....she may NOT be going home. Where i live if no progress is being made then at a year from the time they came into care they will usually have or schedule the Termination hearing. If at that point they see enough progress to extend them mor time they will. But after that they like to move things along very quickly and give the child some permanence.

So start preparing yourself.....for the possibility that this child may not be going home. Be supportive of her parents but also realistic. You can only do so much the rest is up to them, and if they can't get it together than they shouldn't be returned back home because those children deserve better.

[JC10]

We were in a similar situation a few years back and were able to get the SW to talk to the BP about visits. Turned out transportation was a serious problem for them & where we live (up to 110 weather), walking was out of the question. In our case, there was open communication and we were able to appropriately arrange visits by picking up the BP and taking them along with the kids to nearby parks or even the county visitation centers.

[Hadley2]

I really like mom2grlc advice. I would just add that when I talk with our fd about the going home thing, instead of saying her parents need to be "better," I just keep it at a simple "safe"--that the judge needs to believe they can parent her "safely" again.

I did not want her to think that making parents better, that is, getting "better parents" in kid-think, was the goal. In kids' minds, there is always a "better" family around the corner--richer, nicer, more fun, etc., and if that were the criteria, they would be moving from one to the next for the rest of their childhoods. We know how unreal that conclusion is, but that could easily be kid-think.

Also, if she did go home, I didn't want to set the bar too high on her expectations. Judges don't decide on the basis of who is the "better" parent--our system assumes that, given a minimum level of safety (actually not even that, just unproven by "clear and convincing evidence" danger), that the "better" parent for that child is the first parent.

Finally, depending on your local agency and court philosophies, missing a few visits may not be considered such a big deal. Courts don't always expect perfect compliance with any part of the case plan. During her first removal three years ago, our fd's father actually got arrested at the visitation center for public intoxication nine months into the case and three months before the judge returned her home. He and the mother had also missed many visits. So, you never know.

[ml4474]

This all sounds SO familiar! My FCs mother shows up sporadically… one time we waited on her for 30 minutes and then I let the kids call her to find out if she was on her way. She was at Wal-Mart!!! She told the kids she couldn’t come because she didn’t have a ride!!! Aaaarg! Then she goes on to tell them she got a new puppy and they (her and the puppy) just left the vet!!! This has been going on for a little over three years… One time she disappeared for 9 months but showed back up about three months ago when she found out they were going to TPR the kids.



These are such beautiful children!!! I can’t believe she would do this! I would do ANYTHING to have them with me permanently – anything! I wish the courts would TPR her… Three plus years is more than enough time to get it together…


But I do agree with the other posts about telling the children that their mother does love them. I believe my FCs mother loves them... she just isn't strong enough to get it together. I also like "safe" more than "better" when telling the children what their parents need to do before they can go home.

[mom2GRLC]

I agree safe is a more appropriate term.

Infact when i talk to my kids....I actually tell my kids WHAT the birthmom has to do...(have a stable job, home, no drugs, parenting classes, jail , rehab or whatever the case may be.) But certianly "safe is at the top of the list.

[vesw01]

Here we aren't allowed to know what the parent's plan is. I do know that the cw is upset that the parents aren't making the visits. It is a big deal since it is the first step, at least that is what I have been told. I am sorry when you have no job there is NO reason to miss a visit, what other scheduling conflict could there be? If they had classes he cw would change their visits so they could make them. I am sorry "this isn't a good week for a visit" in my eyes is unacceptable!!