[echobunny89]

AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! My sister drives me bonkers! Last weekend I had a huge birthday party for my two foster daughters who have birthday's close together. We had over 30 children invited plus some of their biological family (NOT the parents) as well. About Wednesday of that week the weather was forcasting rain so we moved the party from Sat. to Sun. T was so happy and thrilled because she had never had so much as a birthday cake never mind a big pool party, with decorations. She invited a whole bunch of girls from her class. C also had invited a bunch of friends and they were both looking forward to seeing their grandmother, biological brother and Aunt and Uncle. Friday afternoon (after spending all day shopping for birthday party supplies) I am talking on the phone to my sister and reminded her that the girls' party was going to be on Sunday because of the weather. She then proceeds to start yelling at me saying that her daughter's dance recital was on Sunday and that I had no right scheduling the party on that day and I needed to cancel the party outright because as far as she was concerned my niece should be more important to me than my foster children. The thing is, I had NO IDEA that my niece's recital was on that day. My sister had mentioned it at Easter dinner but never gave me the exact date and never mentioned it again. I told my sister 3 weeks in advance about the birthday party and told her Wed. that the party was being moved a day because of the rain and she never said anything about the recital. I have to admit that I got a little too angry with her and said a few not so great words and hung up on her. My sister tends to be a bully (she has alienated almost everyone in her husband's family) and has the attitude of when she says jump we should all ask her how high! The thing is too, that my niece could care less whether I am there or not! She is only 4 and not very close to me. I don't know, I just don't get it!!!

Sorry about venting but I now that someone on the board will understand! Thanks!

[stevenstwin]

well, I agree with you on principal, as I've heard many similar stories. But I have a feeling from your description of your sister that it wouldn't have made any difference if your daughters were foster or bio - she sounds like she would have wigged out just for you DARING to inconvenience her!

[vernellinnj]

I can relate to your story. For the most part, I have very supportive friends and family. But, I do have a sense that some family members think I should be more concerned about their children's lives.....

[kikibrando]

I use this often with my older children and sometimes, even my relatives...

"Bad planning on your part doesn't constitute and emergency on mine."

She didn't bother giving you a date and time, let alone following up. Let her go to her daughter's recital and spend time with your daughters. Chances are, neither girl is going to miss the other.

Enjoy the birthday fun!

[ECDGA]

We also just celebrated our Fd's birthday. My best friend asked how we celebrated it and when I told her she said"Wow, that seems like alot". I replied that it was no more and no less than we do for all of our children. I was irritated. I have been amazed at the support of many and amazed at the lack of support from others. I, too, feel like some people feel that my fostering takes away from my involvement with their children and it certainly does. I like having a full house--so I am always bringing other kids home with me. I am more cautious with my fd being here because I don't want to overwhelm her. I have decided that I don't care what other people think. If anyone thinks that our fostering takes away from their already loved and cherished children to provide that same love for a child that needs and deserves it than who is being selfish? Not me!!

[foster2adoptmomma]

there have been very few placements I've had of children that I've felt like they were "foster" children. I have felt for the most part that these were my kids, even if temporarily, and I made sure they had the clothes, toys, haircuts, activities, etc... that any of my own kids would have. Having said that, I let it be known in advance that the children in my home were going to be treated by my relatives in the same manner that bio children would be treated, and to a one, they have been great. All the kids have had nice birthdays, Christmasses, Grandma and Grandpa dote on each of them. Maybe you should stand up to bully sister and tell her in no uncertain terms that you expect her to be fair and accepting of your kids, whether foster or not, and accept that she blew it on this one.


I'm too much of an advocate for my kids to let one of my family members treat them as second class citizens. I'd have to calm down before I talked to that sister again.

LM

[hotspice58]

Welcome to the "foster and adoptive kids aren't as important as biological kids". I had to tell that to my mother: my kids are just as important as each and every biological kid in my family. What helped me was I took an adoption class and this was talked about at length!!

[wrekdiver]

I feel your pain echo...
I have a sister just like that. Wouldn't think twice-would believe it was completely rational- to cancel a birthday party if it meant that someone else, besides her children, would be getting any attention.

Before my fs came along, I tried to push my way into my nieces/nephews lives. My sister would get irritated because I was always trying to spend time with her children.

Then, after my fs came home, the she couldn't stop calling me wanting to know why her children weren't the center of my life anymore.

And I got the same, "What do you mean your fs is more important than your niece/nephew?" speech.

Must be a sister thing--She knows that she's the center of the universe. How can I be so dense as to not know that?

[locoenlacabeza]

Yep welcome to the club!
We have had to have the same chat with certain members of our families. For the most part though, the majority is very accepting.
We have had a few placements....Some I feel like they are mine, and some I haven't. You know that some kids you just don't know how to click with. Anyhow, though as long as they are in my home, under my roof they get exactly what my kids get. They get the big Christmas', they get the big birthdays, they get special presents etc....
I just irks me beyond belief when people say "why do you do so much they are just foster kids?" Well foster kids or not, they deserve to have the things that kids from other families get.

[aunlanpo]

Originally Posted by locoenlacabeza

people say "why do you do so much they are just foster kids?"

GASP!! People say that?!?
I had no idea foster kids could be thought of as.... second.

How do you respond to them, so as to soften their hearts and change their thinking?