[ml4474]

I posted this a second time because I need some quick feedback....

Ok... We are leaving on the trip today. The girls are going with us but I now have an additional scare... :/ SW called and told me everything had been worked out and the girls could go - GREAT! When I get to the group home the director was waiting on me with his wife and another sw and the house parents were also there (and this is there week off). Got the girls in the car with bags and were ready to leave. Director pulls me a side and starts a discussion which lasted an hour and a half. He lets me know that the lice have not been treated by a doctor because they don't know a doctor that treats head lice. Oh and he says that they "are very concerned about the number of times she has been treated for lice". (HELLO) Then he goes on to tell me (after the kids are in the car with their bags) you need to be very careful on this trip because it has come to "our attention that there may be some incest issues" and "we are very concerned about them going on this trip"!!!!! Oh, and by the way "do you have small children?" They do not need to be around small children. And be very careful at night because they might try to sneak into each others rooms. Oh, and this is why the FS was removed from this home last year. BOY AM I GOING TO HAVE A NICE RELAXING VACATION!!!! I didn't sleep at all last night! The director made it very clear that if anything happened while the children where with me my husband and I "could be in serious trouble". I could NOT tell the girls to get out of the car and not take them but now I'm just sick.

Can we end up in jail if something happens on this trip?

[Bailey071097]

Sounds like the director is trying to scare you, and you WILL NOT end up in jail. Don't worry.

Take a step back and look at the issues. Don't you think the director is trying to cover their tail (to say it nicely)? What a bunch of bull that they don't have a Dr. that treats lice and they are worried about the number of treatments. What about cleaning up their group home to not be infected with lice.

In regards to the sexual acting out, call the case worker and talk at length with them. Tell the cw what you were told and ask if anything has been reported. Keep an eye out and just use your common sense -- they can't be in the bathroom together, they must change clothes by themselves, separate beds (even if this means they have a pallet on the floor in a hotel).

Good luck

[ml4474]

THANK YOU! They will have seperate rooms on vacation so we're good there... I think your right about trying to scare me... The group home has a supervisor coming in from B'ham today and doesn't want any problems right now...

[Bailey071097]

Have you ever thought that maybe the home does not want these children to leave cause it is their paycheck? What better way to disrupt a placement than to scare off the potential adoptive parents.

[ml4474]

That had crossed my mind especially after they told me yesterday "Some children do better in a group home than in foster care....this might be the case with these girls"

[echobunny89]

Just to add my 2 cents, I agree with the post about group homes trying to keep the kids because of the paycheck. Both I and the SW have been fighting B's group home since December to have her placed here with me. It was a court order that she be placed here but the group home was given some say as to when they felt she would be "ready" to move out of the goup home and in with me. The clinician at the group home even went as far as to say she didn't feel that B should be placed here with me because she didn't like the school system in my town!!!!!! The SW kindly reminded her that the children in the goup home went to an inner-city school riddled with drugs and violence and that the school system in my town was one of the best in the state!

On another note, getting rid of head lice is not that hard if you do it right and are persistant in making sure all nits are out of the child's hair. My own children have caught head lice from school twice and I have always been able to nip it in the bud the first time without any replases. Yes it is work but it can be done. Sounds like pure lazyness on the group home's part and from what I understand you don't need a doctor to treat head lice. What surprises me about it is that the group home staff doesn't take care of this if for the only reason of being afraid of catching lice themselves!

[aunlanpo]

Unbelievable. I'm speechless.

I'll pray for you. That may not feel like much of a help, but God is so faithful, He will make good out of all this. You are a parent, just an ordinary parent, you don't have to be super-human. You can do the best you can, and that IS good enough. If you have a young child, maybe have that one sleep with you or your husband, for protection.

And I agree with calling the CW and telling her what they said. And then when you get back from vaca, I would deal with this in a VERY direct way... call CPS for sure. And I don't know the system very well, but there are serious problems in this group home. I would go VERY HIGH to see that this place is firmly dealt with. Children deserve BETTER than this! And SO DO YOU!!

Aundrea

Oh! The supervisor is coming in?? Good!! You two need to have a conversation! The group home may be trying to clean up and put on Sunday clothes for the supervisor and that's exactly the kind of stuff a supervisor SHOULD be seeing! Just my take.

[aunlanpo]

I'm really reluctant to say this, because I don't want to be misunderstood. So, I'll give some background first. I was a crisis intervention counselor and case manager for a lot of years, and I worked in a crisis house and group homes. And I was a supervisor of case managers, and a supervisor of 3 group homes. I worked with adults 18-65. So, it's different, but similar. And I know that one of the things that staff did was report and document everything. To cover our behinds. And, of course, to see any progression of symptoms of mental illness to be able to anticipate changing needs for medications or therapy.

So, even things that would be considered by most people to be normal would be reported/documented and a treatment plan made to change behaviors, even if those behaviors would be normal for most people.... because of the group living. For instance, masturbation was against the rules, documented, treatment plan put in place... because of the potential threat of the person transferring their sexual interest from themselves to an unwilling person. So that, if anything did happen, the group home was covered and couldn't be sued by someone's somebody. I'm not saying I think this is rational. I'm not in that biz anymore, because I just couldn't stand stuff like that. "Um, Joe, we've put a behavior modification plan in place for you to help you deal with this masturbation issue...." No thanks.

So here's the part that I don't want to be misunderstood... So, I'll tell you by giving an example from my life. When I was a little girl, I played doctor once. And I engaged in minimal sexual exploration, which is normal. I had/have never been sexually abused. I never saw anything on tv, or heard about anything from anywhere, it was just part of normal child development. So, I wonder what the whole truth is for these girls. Maybe there was incest. But are they absolutely sure?

Aundrea

[swanzie]

First of all I would not panic. You are doing everything right by these kids. First I would take what they say at the group home with a grain of salt. Apparently they aren't doing their job, and are trying to scare the daylights out of you. And from my experience - nobody told me anything the was 100% correct about my kids before I got them. Its more of a wait and see and correct and adapt as we went. So just judge the kids for yourself. You will see patterns and habits for yourself and you can make up your own mind.

About the headlice - I battled this one for months...IT was horrible. I would buy that RID and treat the my foster kids hair and go thru this whole ordeal every 3 days as recommended...washing bedding with RIDs, vacumming the room down etc. etc. .and every visit with bio's we got more...so here is my suggestion on that one. All those chemicals were turning her head red and sore, and I was in tears for the little one. So I found this solution:

1st - buy some hair gel - I found some really thick stuff in the african american section at the drug store. Slosh in on like nobody's business...like 1/2 the jar on each head. Put a shower cap over it and smoosh it down - what you are doing is sufficating the little buggers. Go to bed...cap and all Take one of those lice combs in the morning and keep combing thru the hair.(your going to need a roll of papertowels to get the gel and bugs off the comb..you won't believe what you get. I
had to have had over 100 adult bugs come out and that was after 3 or 4 rids treatments!! Not to mention how many eggs...I also got a HUGE plastic bag to put over the mattress to do the same thing - sufficate the buggers...I left that on for about a month before I took it off the bed.

Now - their hair is going to be greasy for a few days - its very hard to get this stuff out because I put so much in - but I didn't care - it was a good moisterizer - and I just put up the little ones hair so it wasn't too bad. The best way to get it out was with Dawn dishwashing liquid - I suds up her hair everyday with that and then used her regular shampoo...but like I said it took a few days.

Secondly the nurse at school told me to use hair spray in her hair...the buggers for some reason don't like it so if one got on her it wouldn't stay long it went and found another head

Since I did this we have been lice free for 10 months!! It actually took me 2 months to figure this out and was a heck of a battle - until I went with the old natural products instead!

Good luck and try to relax, enjoy yourself on your vacation and judge for yourself if you can handle the kids and their issues as you see them - not as this group home has said - as we don't know their purpose behind all these comments and warnings - especially at the last minute!

[aunlanpo]

Are you back from vacation yet? How did it go?

[ml4474]

We had a GREAT vacation! We just got back from Destin. The beaches were beautiful and the waves were huge – FS loved it! He got a boogie board and a skimboard. When the waves were 3-4ft he boogied and when they laid down he used his skimboard. He couldn’t have had more fun. My step-daughter was with us and they just loved playing in the Gulf together. Wanted to share happy news!

FDs did not like the beach. They said it was too hot. I think they are very confused... I'm confused too. They told me some of the things that were sd to them at the group home... To tell you the truth, I just can't believe those things were said to children... especially children that have already been through so much. Oldest FD did not like it that I would not let her go anywhere without an adult. She told me that the group home let them do more by themselves.

I will get this resolved Monday even if I have to camp out at DHR as I have not gotten an exact time for our meeting... This is all just SO strange to me...

[ml4474]

Originally Posted by Bailey071097

Have you ever thought that maybe the home does not want these children to leave cause it is their paycheck? What better way to disrupt a placement than to scare off the potential adoptive parents.

You were SO right!! We had an ISP yesterday. The SW said that the girls and boy would be placed in my home the day after we finished the class. The boy's group home was excited for him while the girl's group home fought it. The girls will not be placed in our home as foster children because the group home feels "they will do better in a group home" compared to a foster home. Also, they do not want the girls reunited with their brother - There is no past history of incest or other issues. The SW sd the same thing you said so we will just see how it plays out.

[lvmykidz]

Good luck! We are dealing with exactly the same thing - group home doesn't think H will succeed in a foster/adopt home.
We had a Meeting of the minds last week with 2 CW's. the therapist at the home, staff members, etc. THe CW's want him in our home. The staff member said "well just a couple of months ago we thought his plan would be to stay in the home till he was 18 (he's 13 now)" THe CW told him this was the worse scenario for H - to age out of foster care.
I told the therapist we are willing to work with H together in therapy with him. So, today is our first session.
DH is quite upset - we just got certified this week. We were told that H could then live with us. I told the CW we were looking forward to having the summer to do some attaching, etc before school started and we run into the problems that will arise there.
The home said "no, we want him to at least be here a month into school so we can give him the boundaries he needs with it" - I told them as a family, I will have more time to be involved with the teachers -plus I have a son that is in the same grade as H and I will know what is going on with homework, etc.
SIGH - we have another meeting in 2 weeks to see "where we are".
Fustrating that the group home is not on board to send H off with a "we belive in you" attitude and at least let's all give this a try.

[aunlanpo]

I think the group homes are just jaded. Afterall, THEY are the professionals, and you're just a disillusioned, know-it-all. I KNOW I'm disillusioned and a know-it-all!! Who could really have ANY kids if they weren't! What about all those people who have all the answers BEFORE they have kids and before they have all the questions... lol. That's me! That's ALL of us! And to tell ya the truth, I really believe it's that God-given determination that gives these kids any chance at all. It definitely is not the ones who walk away from the kids at night and go back to their perfect worlds while the kids just sit there, when there are people who WANT to actually parent them. But hey. That's just MY jaded opinion!

[Bailey071097]

Mary Lynne - I'm sorry to hear that I was right and sorry to hear that you will still have to fight for the girls. Your post said that the CW will place the boy and girls right after you are finished with classes, but later you stated that the girls will stay in the group home while foster. Are you meaning that they are not coming right after you finish classes? When will they come to you?

My understanding and experience has been that if the Caseworker and Supervisor are in agreement on the placement of the child, they can move the child with or without the foster placement's acceptance. It is sounding in this case that the group home has more power than I have seen - although I have never dealt with group homes only foster homes like ours. Have you questioned the CW as to why they just can't move them? Can you ask that a separate therapist that is not associated with the group home evaluate them? There has to be someone out there that has the "gumption" and authority to stand up to them. I would even pursue taking it to the judge.