[Mom2threebabes]

We have a little girl who will be turning 3 in just a few months. We have had her since birth and it has been very difficult. She was exposed to meth and marijuana during her mother's entire pregnancy. The exposure has caused her to not be able to regulate her emotions very well. She is mostly in the fight or flight state. She takes meds to help her wind down to sleep at night and she takes a mood stabilizer to help with her outbursts. Parenting her is very, very difficult. She is extremely defiant against authority and it seems to be getting worse the older she gets. She constantly tells me to shut up and leave her alone. When I tell her to do something, she tells me "no." I try very hard to be consistent, but she wears me down. Every night I am totally exhausted dealing with her. Parenting her has had an effect on my marriage and my relationship with my other two children who are adopted. We have had tpr on this little girl and are just waiting for the juvenile office to give the tpr order to the judge to sign. But lately, because her behavior has become so severe, I am wondering if I am going to be able to handle the pressure of raising her. I am so torn about this in my heart. We all love her soooo much, but she is exhausting all of us. We took a week of vacation last week and put her in respite care. She was a perfect angel in respite!!! We all had a good break from her behaviors, but I'm already needing another break from her! I seem to bear the brunt of her behaviors. I don't understand why. I am knowledgeable about RAD and I do feel that there may be a little bit of RAD in the picture but not to a severe degree. Why is it she can be good with another family and then all hell breaks loose when she comes home? I just don't get it. I have thought about what our lives would be like if we chose not to adopt her. It would be very hard at first, but I know we would all move on. The little girl, on the other hand, I am not so sure that she would be ok and this makes me feel like I cannot say no. I feel like we would be selfish if we made the decision not to adopt her. We've advocated and fought for this child all her life. I am so torn up about this. HAs anyone experienced these types of behaviors with kids? If so, what did you do? How did you cope? I try not to show emotion and I can do it for short amounts of time, but when you have a child looking you in the eye and screaming at you at the top of their lungs, it's very hard. Someone please offer suggestions....

[stevenstwin]

Oh, you poor thing! You sound exhausted and stressed to the max. First, I have to say that being a perfect angel in respite and a hellion at home really DOES sound like a classic sign of RAD. And the fact that her behaviour is getting WORSE alarms me...it might very well just continue to escalate on and on. Maybe a really good therapist could help her, but maybe not. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to give up on her - but YOU and your children also deserve a life. I hate the phrase "your own family has to come first" , but if ONE member of a family - whether they are there through birth, adoption or fostering - is severely impacting all other members, than that isn't fair. Your other two are young enough to still need lots of your time and attention, and you don't want to look back someday and feel like you got robbed ofbeing able to enjoy them fully. It sounds to me like you have been a WONDERFUL parent to her, and if you need to let her go, you should not feel guilty.

[Koala]

You sound like you are in the same position that we were in four months ago. We have had our little boy since he was 3wks old. He has been very faragile in that he stopped breathing all the time had severe reflux, sensory issues, regulatatory issues etc etc all due to FASD I am sure.
All was fine until he was about 3. Then all the same things you are saying started to happen. I couldn't believe it as he had really had "attachment parenting" and I thought that at least he would be well adjusted and not suffer any sever behaviour problems.
All of our family was thrown into turmoil. It affected DH and myself terribly. In the end, when noone would do respite, I saw the pediatrition. (We have had every therapist available in his life since he was 7wks old). He put him on clonodine and ritalin. Now after 4 mths and several medication changes (dosages) he is fantastic. He is going to be able to come with us on a planned holiday. This is huge. We went to church last Sunday for the first time in about 12mths and he was great. I take him shopping and everywhere else. We also now see a child phycologist who is great.
I would encourage you to see if your little one's medication is right for her.
I would be interested to see how you go. I have to remember that some things are genetic and put aside my thoughts about medicating young children as this has made such a HUGE difference for our boy's life. He is still cheeky, mischiefous and full of energy, but it is better directed.
Koala

[hermi14]

First off, you're an angel for having taken care of your daughter for the past three years.

I'm sure you are not the only one to experience this. What do the "experts" say?

hb

6/13 Submitted my preapplication to A Child's Waiting (private agency). Plan to adopt an older child (5-10 years old). No bio children.

[corhen]

Are you able to request some respite care for her? Give you a chance to clear your mind. Give your family a break and her a break??
corhen

[TNfostermom]

You can try reading the book Unraveling the ADD/ADHD Fiasco by Dr. David Stein. It teaches you a method of using time out that really works. It also tells you what behaviors you give time out for. It takes all the emotions out of discipline. I used it with my older son when he was eight and he was a different child after just a couple of weeks.

[lucyjoy]

have you looked at www.radzebra.org? You might want to check it out. Don't finalize until you are certain you are ready to do this.

[Mom2threebabes]

These are all some very good responses. I actually made contact with a therapist who did our behavioral training through DFS. We have been through his training twice. He gave me some very good behavioral strategies to implement. In retrospect, I have probably been too easy on her because of her "disability." I have let her get away with things thinking she couldn't help it. While I do agree that she has some mood issues going on and some regulation issues due to her drug exposure. However, some of the behaviors I'm going to have to tackle through strict and very consistent discipline. She very much likes to be in control and I have to take back the control in an appropriate way because she is out of control right now. I have to win 100% of the time. I can still give her choices and use compromise to a certain degree, but I still have to make it to where I win each situation. I had begun implementing this method of discipline last week, but had not been 100% consistent. However, last night, I did not let her get away with ANY acts of disobedience or defiance. The transformation I saw throughout the evening was astounding. She continued to test me yet I was able to handle her without getting riled up. I stayed totally calm, very matter-of fact (which is hard for me), and I saw periods of obedience, cooperation, helpfulness, etc... I have no doubt that a lot of her behaviors have stemmed from few consistent consequences, which is really hard for me to admit. It kind of makes me feel like I've failed her and failed as a parent. But thank goodness I am correcting it now and am being passive no longer. With her personality and strong will, I have to be stronger...

And yes, we do take advantage of respite. I would be in the nut house if we didn't!! (LOL)

We've been through soooo much with this child. Life-threatening asthma until she was 14 months old, terrible reflux until she was a year old, the self-injurous behaviors, etc... There's no way I am giving up on her now. I am determined that we will win and we WILL have a happy, some-what normal family! Amen ~