[janf]

I do not know where to begin, but let me say this. I applaude each and everyone that is a foster parent or adoptive parent, my heart goes out to you all. You must all have great patience and loving understanding to bring a child into your home..

I am a bit confused with my situation: I am a bmom, son was adopted at 11m. aparents lost custody in 99 and son is in foster care. I have been in contact with the SW but she always says the best interest of the child. She will not tell him that his brother is looking for him nothing. She also stated that the foster parents agree that this is not the time to tell him. Ok so when is the best time to tell him? I understand he had alot on his plate, i just want him to know we are still here and always have been. It has been 9 years since i last talk to him.

I think he will be angry with the FosterParents and SW if he knew we are looking for him.. He is 18 now..

Any feed back would be great
thanks
jan

[oliviasmom2be]

I would guess that it depends on how his foster parents view their relationship with him: do they consider themselves to be his family? They may be worried about your influence in his life, not knowing who you are or your circumstances (I'm not sure if they do). Why was he adopted initially? The social worker probably has the clearest view of what she feels would be best for him given that she can see all sides of the situation. However, if he is 18, he is legally free to look for you. If he hasn't inquired as to your whereabouts then that is a decision that has to be respected. I would suggest leaving a letter with his social worker so that if he approaches her, she will have something immediately at hand. There is no reason a letter from you and his brother cannot be included in his case file. Good luck.

[janf]

i was a young mom and going through a divorce. The Aparents were always open to me and my family and we had contact up until 99. my last contact was in 97, but my mom and son had more contact. I sent a birthday card to his SW and it was returned. She will not tell him, she wants him to come to her.

Thank you for your kind reply
jan

[stevenstwin]

Hugs to you, I'm sure this must be tough. I have to agree that you should probalby wait for HIM to look for you. I have several adopted cousins, and I know SOME chose to look for the birth parents and others didn't. ALL had to do it in their own time, when they were ready. At 18 he is still very young and might just not be able to deal with it right now. I"m sure he KNOWS that he can ask the social worker when he is ready, and I think you'll just have to give him his time on this one.

[janf]

it is frustrating because i know my older son wants contact so bad with his brother. Things were simpler when the state wasn't involved and we had contact. I stayed away but called every few years for updates. My son had contact via email and phone and visits regularly..

I know in time he will get ahold of me.

Thanks for the feed back it helps

jan

[crick]

It might be that he's not doing well right now? If they disrupted the adoption at age 11, he likely has had a lot of problems/challenges in the last 7 years. That can't have been a good situation for him and I'm sure he's had a lot of healing to do.

So the sw just might be truly acting in his best interests right now, saying that he's not ready. All depends on where he is at right now in his life.

Given that he's 18 and and still in foster care tells me there is a reason for that. While some states have the legal age of 21 for kids to age out of the system, many states are at 18. It might be that he needs the stability right now even as a young adult and a meeting with anyone might upset that.

Next time you talk to the sw, maybe ask her if you can just send a letter to remain in his file for when he's ready.

I'm sure it's hard to just sit and wait though and also hard for your other son!