[LibbyHawkins]

Hi all, I just found this board recently and have been reading up. I am a new foster parent. My first placement came about 4 weeks ago, 2 beautiful little girls. 4 1/2 and 16 months. Transition went fairly smoothly(tG, because I had no idea what it could have been) The 4 yr old has continued to go pretty smoothly. The 16 month old is what concerns me. The first 3 weeks she gradually bonded more and more to me, coming to me for hugs and attention. Over the last week she just doesn't seem to like me. I work fulltime and they go to another foster mom for daycare, she has started crying for the day care mom when we leave and crys even harder when I put her in the car. I ended up in tears yesterday when a lifelong friend of mine had kept the girls for the day, and the baby wouldn't leave her arms after several attempts on my part. Have any of you experienced this? It is breaking my heart.

[twinflana]

This has to be very hard on you Unfortunately I dont have any words of wisdom hopefully time will take care of this and maybe someone with more experience than I has some good ideas.

[stevenstwin]

Well, I"m no expert and I don't know your little one, but a lot of these poor kids have some pretty significant attachment issues. I think it might be hard on her having to go to different people. In an ideal world she'd probalby be best off with JUST YOU providing all her needs for a while. I know this isn't possible in all cases, and she may have to go to daycare, but attachment specialists often advise foster or adoptive parents to minimize ALL contact with "outsiders", even to the point of keeping older kids out of school. Even with my foster son - who is MUCH older - there is an element of that. Some of it came instinctively and some came from our therapist - but I make ALL his meals, even though he could make some for himself; I am always available to him, either physically or by phone at ANY time day or night, etc. Way moreso than for my own bio children, as a matter of fact, but it is all part of attachment therapy. I guess the only practical suggestion I can give you is to make sure that when you ARE with her you are doing everything for her and not letting anyone else help. You might want to look at a book like "attachment in adoption" by Deborah Gray.

[madfostermomma]

When my foster daughter came to me at 13 months old she wanted nothing to do with me- it was all "daddy" it drove me nuts. It took some time but eventually daddy's girl became mommy's hip attachment and she would cry everyday as I left her in daycare and near break my heart. I ended up quitting my job and staying home with a summer with her- turns out even though it killed us financially - it was the best thing - she was reunified and now I have precious memories of us fighting all summer and also having fun ( remember mommies and daughters have their own tenous kind of relationship anyway )

[joyful mom]

I agree with stevenstwin. What this baby is looking for is someone who will not leave her. As a foster mom of 50-60 babies and toddlers over the past nine years, I have seen this a number of times. Although this might not be possible, the best thing you could do is take a couple days to "glue" her to you. Even just this weekend if nothing else. Do not allow anyone else to touch her or even talk much to her. Put her in the high chair next to you when working in the kitchen, take her in with you when showering. And of course do not go anywhere. Lots of cuddles,rocking and singing. This is not forever. But it can make a world of difference in those early months, to get them started feeling secure and to know without a shadow of a doubt who Mama is.

[MBelt8402]

I agree with stevenstwin, And joyful mom. Good luck, glad you are here.

[LibbyHawkins]

Thank you for all your replies. I am a Single Foster Parent, so quitting and staying home are not options I have available to me, but limiting time for the next several weekends sounds good.

[Howdy]

Wow - single, working, and two very young children! I'm single, working, and just got a second placement but my first child is already 9 yrs old and extremely helpful. The idea of TWO little ones makes my hair stand up, ha.

Have you done any attachment activities with your younger child? Maybe if you have a special face-to-face giggly play that you repeat a lot at home, you could do the routine with her when you pick her up, to distract her from leaving and to remind her of the bond she has with you.

One thing NOT to do, is changing daycare person. If she has a bond with the daycare woman that is great and should be protected. I read somewhere, about a mother who changed Nannies because her child loved the nanny too much and the mother was jealous of the attachment. That is really a bad thing to do to the child.

[ajrl]

Welcome in.. I think too that the age has a lot to do w/ it. My dad used to help me out w/ my daughter when she was under 2 and she would cry for him on the days he had to take her to daycare. She loved going but she wanted Grandpa to watch her. So she would explode when he would walk away.. I think they try to manipulate people whether meanting to or not.

You are probaby stricter and she has to do what you want and w/ the daycare provider its all game time. So I wouldnt worry about it just have bonding time. Maybe even get a sling for comfort.

AJ

[vesw01]

We have a FD who is 3 almost 4 and she attaches to EVERYONE. Even when she just first meets them, may not know their name she gets REALLY upset when they leave. She will even go up to them and say she loves them. Talk about breaking my heart.

[LibbyHawkins]

It really started to get better even the night I wrote the first post. My feelings were just too hurt to see it. We have almost went the other way. She throws a pretty good fit when I leave her, she is better if the sitter takes her from me. I get lots of cuddles and hugs, no kisses though, those are reserved so far.
Mom/Dad missed their visit last week. In the Emergency Room, uh huh. 4 yr old had meltdown, by Monday I was seriously thinking I couldn't do this. But we had a really good day and I woke up refreshed.

I am trying to take it one day at a time, if I think too far ahead, I have meltdown.
Again, Thanks for "listening"

[twinflana]

I am also dealing with this, my fs screams every time I pick him up from daycare, it is really hard on the emotions and hopefully will stop soon.

[aunlanpo]

In one of my early childhood education classes, I learned that it is a normal stage of development for babies and young toddlers to cry when they see their parents at the end of the day. It is like a big sigh for them, a release of pent up emotion. Because they do trust the parents more with their feelings than anyone else. So, just like 2 year olds say, "No." and "Mine!", babies and toddlers go through a crying stage when they get picked up at daycare. I've run a day care for 10 years, and I have seen this in about 1/3 of the babies. It doesn't last forever, it's usually just a few days to a couple of weeks. And if the parents are really tense about it, I have seen it last longer. Usually, when I let the moms or dads know that it is normal and it will soon go away, and that it has nothing to do with their babies not liking them, the parents relax, which causes the babies to relax, which lends to it ending sooner. When the parents don't believe me, it does last longer. But I've had 40? 50? babies over the past 20 years.... It really might just be a stage!

Originally Posted by twinflana

I am also dealing with this, my fs screams every time I pick him up from daycare, it is really hard on the emotions and hopefully will stop soon.