[shycar]

I just dont know what else I can do with boy J, Girl J and Little J. Boy J has been so angry lately since the girls have returned from respit. He does not want them here anymore. Today the girls old sw took them all day. She no longer works there she quite, but she loves these girls very much and is considering adopting them. So she took them all day and the girls had a blast. Boy J was his old self. Happy, listening, sweet as can be. He was saying Im soo glad they are gone and I keep reminding him that they will be back this afternoon. Well the girls come back and Girl J does not want to stay here she wants to go with the sw.... second time with the other family she did not want to come back to live with us....I really dont think she likes it here anymore. I just dont understand, but I think it has to do with boy J. Imidiatly the Girls walk in Boy J turns into this angry raging boy. He starts hitting and biting, not listening, throwing things. He refused to play with them and to put him to bed was a fight. He kept sneaking out of his room. I warned him that if he did it again the door would be shut. Well of course he did and so the door was closed. He started to throw all his toys I went in his room to take out toys and he started to throw them at me, he has never done this, and screaming. He keeps yelling he does not want the girls here for them to go, I think this is why Girl J does not want to come back. I do not like the little boy he is turning into when the girls are around. I dont know what to do. The girls could be here 6 months or more. They have been with us for 9 months already and his behavior gets worse with time. I dont want him to suffer any more and Im close to sending the girls to another home for his sake, but yet I hate doing this to the Girls it would be another move for them. My hubby is in denial he can not see it, becouse he does not behave this way with him around. He does tell him he wants the girls to leave and hubby says I know soon when they find a good home, but I really dont think he see how much its affecting him. Please any suggestions would be great. Any help.

[tybeemarie]

Is it possible that the girls have hurt your son while you were not looking? I'm wondering about his strong reaction to them. Maybe he's afraid of them. Could be that he has a trauma bond with them from before he was placed with you.

I think it's a hard call. Another move would hurt the girls, no question. On the other hand, this does not seem like a great situation for your son. I don't know what you do about that.

Post when you feel like it would be helpful for you.

[Happy123]

I am very sorry that you are having to go thru this experience. I went through the same thing earlier this year. My BD sounds just like your son. What I did not know (but suspected) was that our FD was being physical with our son and verbally abusive to our daughter. The change in them when we finally requested for our FD to be transferred was remarkable. Our FD is now in a good home where she gets the attention so very craves.

Good Luck!!
Happy123

[Faith65]

I don't really have any answer for your question at this time but know that I am sending prayers and support your way.

[shycar]

Thanks for the reply eveyone. It is 4am and Im up with the baby. Well when hubby got home that night I had a talk with him. Boy J was still up and upset so we decided to have a chat with him. We drew faces with different feeling on a paper to talk about feelings. Well it turns out he is very confused. When we ask him how he feels when the girls, Girl J and Little J, he says happy, sad, and mad. When we ask why happy-he says he has someone to play with. When we ask why sad-he says that sometimes they are mean and break his toys-also that mommy and daddy are more mean. When we ask why he is mad-he gets in trouble more when they are here and that mommy and daddy are more mean. We also ask the same about the baby, but he was only happy-becouse he can play with the baby without being hit or fighting. He is more concerned about mommy and daddy being mean. When we put him back to bed we stayed up and talked.

He is right mommy and daddy are more mean when the girls are here. We are always stressed when they are here. I personally feel I am a different person when the girls are around. All I do is not really yell, but remind the kids the rule. No jumping, stop fighting, give him his toy back, I said no, no candy, lets go to time out. Boy J tends to go to either time out or time in at least twice a day, when the girls are gone it usually maybe once a week. Also I dont have time to spend with him. Before I used to do activities with him everyday or we would go for a walk just do different things. Now all I do is clean, clean. Girl J tends to make big messes wherever she goes, we are working on that with her and have her clean up after herself, but still there is lots to do. I do laundry all day long and every day, girl J loves to change about 4 times a day (something we are also working on), I do dishes about 5 times a day, vacuum maybe two or three times a day. Plus we have people over almost everyday. A speech therepist comes once a week, physical twice a week, two sw come once a month,plus my cw comes once a week. There is mental health for one once a week. Rehabilitation for one once a week. Dr appt for one once a month plus other doctors like cardiologist and radiology for one kido. More dr. appt once a month for another kiddo and no it never falls on the same day so I go twice to the doctor a month. Lately the baby has been sick so I had to go more often last month and will be going twice this week. There is dropping and picking up the kids from school. Im usually up half of the night with the baby, she has not been sleeping well at nights for this past month. Boy J has been sneakin in our bed these past days saying he is scared of the dark, something that we have had trouble with since the beggining, so Im up also consoling him. Pluss Girl J has been kind of acting up, becouse she is upset that we are not adopting her and tends to say mean things to boy J, becouse he did get adopted, and will tease him. I feel guilty I can not adopt the girls. So I am emotionally and physically exhausted when the girls are here. So yes I do tend to be a little more snappy. I dont like it one bit. I hate the person I am becoming. Its not fair for Boy J or the Girls. Its not fair for the baby I feel I can not give her the attention either. When Im playing with the baby, Girl J comes running over and wants my attention either positive, but mostly negative. Hubby and I have to make a huge decision. The sw says the girls will prob not find a home for another 6 months, becouse of what previouse foster mom said about them, all lies I have seen. I dont know if I could do this for another 6 months. I already feel guilty about not adopting the girls, but now Im feeling guilty to what this is doing to our son. Its not fair for him and its not fair to the girls. Im so torn, but I know that if the girls stay my sanity will go. I am exhausted. I dont want the baby moved, becouse there is a high chance of us adopting her. To be honest I think Im getting a little tired of fostering. I have been doing it for 5 years now and I want time to raise my son and maybe the baby. Sorry Im rambling its late and Im tired and baby is still wide awake. Another long day tomorrow.

[ca-bigsister]

You're exhausted. Anyone would be. Your body is tellingyou something needs to change. Your little boy told you what he needs. Can the SW take the little girls now (the one who wants to adopt them)?

Talk to your social worker and let them help you. Can you get a mommy's helper or something for the day? CAn someone else help to transport? Someone to do a deep clean once a week? In my area, they have a "grandparents" program where retired active seniors help out stressed families, especially when one of the children is sick. They focus on the healthier children and provide support for the family. Could something like this help? Are you active in a church or synagogue and could you ask for some help, just someone to pitch in and pick up the kids or give you an extra pair or hands?

Anyone would be exhausted in your shoes. You need some relief because it's too much.

[jstodd01]

It also sounds like all the kids are being effested by the stress. Sometimes we forget that babies react to our feelings. Maybe the baby is not sleeping well because of all of this. It may be harsh but I say tell the cw to get them out now. that baby and your son deserve better than what you can give them at this point in the situation. You are stressed, dh is stressed and you are being streched to the limit. Maybe if the girls go to a different home they will be by themselves and won't have to share you. It may be best for them. Have you tried the face making thing with them? I don't remember thier ages and you may feel they are to old for it but I think it sounds like a good thing for any age to try and gage thier feelings. thoughts and prayers to you.

[shy_bear]

I agree with some of the others who have said it is time for them to go. It will be hard on them, but you have to think of you and your health and well being. If you are overly stressed and feeling fatigued you are of no use to anyone. If the cw can not give you a timeline on what is going to happen some action needs to be taken. I know this is hard for you and I hope you are able to make a decision and be at peace with it. Good luck.

[Love_um_all]

Oh man, I have had placements like that....

I know exactly what you are going thru. It is time for a break... you need to step back when this placement is over and chill. Keep the baby you already consider family. I was just like you. I know how hard it is. I have been fostering for 6 years now, and I still have days where I think, I just want to be a normal family again. My last very challenging placement was last dec before last. It was so terrible, i reduced my availablity on my lisence, and took a 4 month break with just our adopted daughter. Now, I am requesting to add one more number back on my licence, as I went from 4 children, down to accepting 2 for foster children, that did not include our daughter. For the last year, I have babies or newborns. I know it was alot of work, but it worked better for me. I did not have the daily struggles. Babies need homes too of course. I learned alot from several hard placements, just like you described.
*Put your self and your family first
*learn when enough is enough
*don't scarifice your children
*there is only one of you and how many of them...
*it is better to do a really good job with less children and everyone is happy, then have regrets that the others are not getting enough of what they need.
*learn to say no sometimes
*find a good sitter, find time for yourself away from the children, like get your nails done or a hair cut or just go to the mall and take one child, and window shop, find some new earrings, or candles, something small, as a gift to yourself, because, honey... you really are worth it.
You are invalueable. The kids need to to be happy... someone is not taking care of you, and it is you... You know what they say... if momma anit happy, no one is happy....
***Don't feel guilty for having needs!!! You deserve a little love too...
It is said, that stress happens, when what is required of us exceeds our ability to do what we have to do. Other word, you have too much on your plate... I know the need is great.... I know no one wants to say no to kids who need us, but, you will be respected when the cw's call and ask how is it going... and you can honestly say... great... I promise, you will feel better about yourself too. YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM!!! Moms dont get enough credit...
love and hugs