[jstodd01]

Okay please forgive me in advance I know most of you have had way more than this but I need help. I have 2 toddlers JM, 3 and S, 2 1/2. I only had JM by hemself for a couple of months before S came and S will be going home eventually. But I am going bonkers. I yell all the time at one or both of them and can't seem to get a handle on things. JM has become a 3yr old bully it seems. always taking S's toys, getting into things he never used to get into, talking back. And S is so winny. I know I'm not used to THAT!

Now that i am yelling I see them doing it and know i am at fault but I can't get a grip. I put them in respite last weekend so I could get a break and that helped alot. But how do I break this cycle? Time outs work pretty well for S But JM is very stuborn and just goes back to doing bad stuff all over.. I try to make sure I reward good things and they take good naps so I know this is all me.

I feel like like such a putz. It's only 2 kids. Who can't handle 2 kids. What do I do? Please be kind. I'm kinda on an edge here.

[proudmomof4]

and then count to 10. You have two toddlers on your hands and its not easy!!!!! Breathing treatments help out alot. Yelling just make things get heated !!!
I will pray for you and the toddlers!!!!
Thats my 2 cents

[hubbyswife]

U sound like me but I only have one very stubborn little girl. Sometimes it gets rough w her tantrums and now w her screaming at the top of her lungs.

She doesn't seem to learn and I don't think it's b/c she can't learn. It has to do more w her being stubborn. B/c she will kind of smile and do the same behavior again. We send her to time out and it seems to work sometimes. Other times we have to take the toy away or whatever it is and then she cries then it's over with.

[nevergiveup64]

I also am a foster partent to a sibling group age 3 and 2, they are 13 months apart. We have had them for a year. TPR hearing scheduled for June. Regarding the behaviors, it helps if you can see that the children are really scared. That their behaviors are a red flag to us that they need to feel more secure. I use these techniques to help our family.
I find using time in's and having a very structured home helps. Time in's are when you have the child sit on your lap or next to you. You calm them down. Kids this age also need alot of holding or cuddle time. If the kids can just run around without the structure, they will fight and yell, and hit each other. If you can make a schedule, from this time to this time we have art time, or water play time, reading time, free play, lego time. Just have different actiivities available. Allowing transitions to be more natural, meaning dont be a real stickler for it being only for 10 mins. If the kids are liking what they are doing then you can go longer. Being flexable is really important. There is a GREAT New book called Beyond Consequences, logic and control this gives great ideas and understanding on how to work with children who have been traumatized. And all children in foster care have been traumatized. Another good book, is Holding Time by Martha G. Welch.

One thing I do for me is to breathe. when you feel yourself getting stresses, do a 4-7-8 breathe. Breathe in for the count of 4, hold to the count of 7 and breathe out to the count of 8. Do this 3-5 times before reacting and ask yourself what are you feeling? Then you will be able to respond to your child with a more calm effect. Just know if you are feeling frustrated so is your child. you can use this time to teach your kids how to stop and breathe, make is a fun time. Well I have lots of ideas, but even at times things get to me, and I will yell occassionaly too. No one is perfect, we just try our best.

[locoenlacabeza]

I think a lot of really good advice has been given!
What I do is I give myself a time out. When the kids are just driving me batty, I step outside for a second or two.
Here, they get time out 2 or 3 times for the same behavior, if it continues past that then the next time they get sent to bed. That is usually when I take my timeout. At that point I feel my frustration levels rising. I step out side or go to my bedroom and just breathe. I destress like this several times a day- I have too. I have 4 fosters and 1 bio!!! They can drive me batty at times! Hope that helped!

[jstodd01]

It always amazes(sp?) me how much better I feel after I vent here and get such good advice. I have not yelled all afternoon and I feel so good.

nevergiveup64: thank you very much. My sister gave me the exact same advice and so far it is doing real good. when they start to get a little agitated I redirect them to a new toy or game and it is really working great.

thank you to all of you I really hope I can keep up with this.

[lakin11]

Shelly,
Welcome to parenthood! We got three kids who are now 3,4,5 (all 14 months apart) plus my 2 yr old niece is here everyday. They will fight over toys like crazy. Redirection is the biggest help. I remind them that we have plenty of toys and that so and so won't be playing with a certain toy all day. We've worked on sharing, waiting, asking instead of taking, etc. It will take some time, but this happens in daycares too. Just take deep breathes, rest when you can, find something you can do when you aren't devoting all your time to them haha (naptimes are awesome!). Know that you are doing a good job!

[aspenhall]

I use a timer to reinforce sharing and any object they can't follow rules with (usually favorites) I will take away (ground them from). I babysit a 10 mo old, 2 1/2 yr old and am SAHM for my 5 yr old

[aunlanpo]

I have run a licensed home day care for over 10 years. Right now, I have one year old twins, 2 1/2 year old twins, and a special needs 3 year old. My brother and his girls 2, 6, 7 have been living with us for several weeks. Boy, oh boy do I know what you're talkin' about! I echo the advice from nevergiveup64, yes, structure and routine are key. Children feel more secure and are more compliant when they know what to expect.

And I would add that having a plan that you follow is really important. Anticipate problems and have a predetermined response. For instance, little Joey has grabbed toys away from little Johnny all day every day. Say to little Joey, "Joey, you may not take a toy from Johnny. You must wait your turn. Every time you take a toy away, you will have to sit down in the time out chair for 3 minutes." And then follow through!

Follow through is your greatest friend. Do the work early on with the follow through, and the behaviors will change and you won't need the follow through as much later.

Make a plan to say something once, say it twice, then consequence. For instance, "Johnny, please put that down.", "Johnny, please put that down or.... ," and then you get up and go give the consequence. There's no escalation, there's no frustration, because you handle things in a predictable way. That eases frustration and anxiety for you and for them. They know what to expect, because it happens the same way every single time.

Count to three. Say, "I'm gonna count to three. Give the toy back before I say three, or you will have a timeout. One, Two, Three." Get up and put the child in time out. There should not be any halfs or three-quarters. Say it at the same speed every single time. Say it in a firm but gentle tone. After you've used one, two, three long enough for them to get it, start announcing that you are gonna count. Say, "Give the toy back or I'm gonna count." All of my children comply just with that announcement.

Have in mind what the "no warning" offenses are. At my house, they are hitting, kicking, biting, spitting, hair pulling and pushing. Those are automatic time outs, we call those "time aways." In our family, we spend A LOT of time together. So, being where the action is is a real draw. So, a normal time out is in the same room with us. A violence timeout or "time away" is in another room, away from us. If we're in the living room, it's at the kitchen table. If we're in the kitchen, it's in the living room. When a child is sent to another room, we keep talking, laughing, and carrying on as usual. You know when you were a kid and you got sent to bed when company was over, and you felt like you were missing all the fun? It works kinda like that. So time with us becomes the thing that the children want and need. And the consequence for violence or repeating the same offense is time away, instead of time out.

Saying yes as much as possible:Say, "Yes, you CAN have that toy, as soon as Johnny is finished playing with it.", "You want to go outside? Yes you CAN go outside after nap time.", "Yes you CAN watch tv on Saturday."

Give choices: "Do you want to play light brite or blocks? Marbles are not a choice, would you like to play light brite or blocks? Yes you CAN play marbles another time, but right now, you can play light brite or blocks. If you don't choose, I will choose for you and I will choose blocks. You have until the count of ten to choose, then I will choose if you don't... light brite or blocks, ready? one, two...." And then you put the blocks out and you start building towers all by yourself. He'll join in or not, what do you care?
"Do you want milk or juice?", "chocolate milk is not one of the choices... it's milk or juice.", "Yes you CAN have chocolate milk another time, but now your choices are milk or juice, which would you like?", "If you don't choose I will choose for you, and I will choose milk. You have ten seconds to choose... milk or juice, ready? one, two...
Keep your tone firm but gentle and kind.

Use phrases like, "Every time you _____, _______ is gonna happen. Every single time."

and "Johnny loves you and you love Johnny and we don't treat each other that way."

My saying as I've raised kids is "if someone's cranky, take 'em outside, put 'em in water, put 'em in bed, or feed 'em." It's often one of those.

Nutrition has everything to do with behavior. Speak to a nutritionist. And realize that dietary changes, especially sugar withdrawal cause irritability.

My philosophy has always been, if you spank all the time, what do you do when it's really bad? If you yell all the time, what do you do when it's really bad? So I always try to use the least consequence possible most of the time, so when I do yell, everyone is SHOCKED.

Be gentle with yourself. Even when you do everything "right," they still won't listen to you. One of the rules of being a kid is that they have to try and drive you crazy... it's like their job. So, realize that saying the same thing over and over one hundred thousand times is just part of what parents have to do. We say it to teach them the right thing, we don't really expect them to do it all the time. Of course, I'm joking. Kind of. lol. So, be gentle with yourself. We all lose our tempers. We've all yelled. So, forgive yourself and move on.

This is just what works for me... Aundrea

[jstodd01]

Wouldn't you know it just as I am getting used to these 2, S is going to live with her bgmom. I just got the call. gma has been supervising the visits this whole time. Don't know why they didn't consider her befor, but I am really thrilled. I know bmom has worked really hard and things just won't go her way but this is a great step for this family. Prayers for her please. I know she will be happy.

And just so you know I haven't yelled at all in 2 days. I feel so good. I haven't been in this good a mood on months. Thanks to all

[frances93]

I've BTDT. I have two toddlers as well 11 months apart and I have yelled at them as well. One is always wanting something the other has. They both antagonize each other at some point during the day.

I realized just recently that I was yelling a lot and have decided to STOP IT! It's doesn't help and it makes them scared I think. Plus I don't want them to think that mommy is angry all the time - which btw they have asked me about.

So I'm choosing to speak to them in a calm voice and redirect every chance I get. I also think they know how to push my buttons and have done so. I do still speak firmly to them but have tried to remind myself not to yell before speaking to them about something they should not be doing.

IT'S A CONSTANT STRUGGLE

[aspenhall]

Originally Posted by frances93

One is always wanting something the other has.

Here is something I posted on a different thread, that I think pertains here! LOL

The Toddler Rules of Possession

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

[jstodd01]

Aspenhall, That is the best thing I have heard in a long time. I love that. And it is so the truth.

[ca-bigsister]

YMCA - Can you join the local YMCA? I have a family plan at my YMCA which includes toddler classes (free). Maybe the toddler classes would help them to get tired out so that they will sleep more and nap, giving you a little peace.

Also, they have free day care in the mornings and late afternoons. That way, you could take a swim, work out, get a massage or relax and they could be have day care, so at least you get a little break during the day.