[smousekc]

Hello All;

Well my husband and I have been on the foster/adopt roller coaster since our first placement November 30, 2005. We have two adorable boys R, 7 & E, 5. I am so proud things are going well for them both. And R who missed 56 days of first grade---we found out--that with all the nights reading and doing math--he is going to pass first grade. I was so thrilled I started crying for him. This was so important to R.

E, is in preschool and doing so well. His vocabulary has doubled, he's just grown all the way around. There is so much that is good for both of these boys they have really just transformed.

DSS even has told us that we are one of their best foster homes and they have never seen such a dramatic turnaround with children in such a short time.

The boys have just had such a hard past that they soaked up the love like a huge huge sponge and are just growing sooo much for themselves too! Ok, I will stop gushing--but I am thrilled for them.

We have had a tough time tho with birthmom--who of course, pretty much gives us the cold shoulder whenever possible. She's angry just about everything. Meth user, lots of jail time, etc.....very passive agressive personality. Likes to manipulate men---and goes WAY OVER BOARD when my husband would run into her. But when he didn't buy into it she got cold to him as well. Lots of control issues---with clothing, you name it. Said the boys can have trims for haircuts and the first unsupervised visit she shaved their head's almost bald. This was really hurtful for the 7 year old who had children at school make fun of him. Just hard. As far as me and birthmom, I have learned to smile and just do what I have to do. THis past month, she was given unsupervised visits but by the second visit they were revoked for neglect and inappropriate behavior. And now we are back to only 2 45 min supervised again. Not sure what this means...but CW saids they are considering other options. {She knows we would like them---but I am thinking they have to try everything.}

So now they are saying that they are going to do a homestudy on the birth grandmother. Keep in mind GM left the state when the kids were in care and has visited maybe 4 times. Also involved with drugs and has served time in jail. No other relatives stepping to the plate.

We really would like to adopt these two beautiful children who have lived thru sooo much that I cannot begin to type it all. It's just horrendous.

So here is my question----for those of you who have seen the process---any advice on this? Where does it go from here?

And here is my next share....we got a call that they have two boys that are wanting a forever home. So we have done three visits and then this weekend we had them for three days. Talk to our current boys and they were thrilled...and had a super super time this weekend. They are A,9 and D, 6. Good kids but super angry, zip for manners and developmentally behind and literally starting at the basics---it is sooo hard to keep going back to the beginging sometimes isn't it? ok, I am whining...and apologize up front if I sound like it.

So we are willing to adopt all four and DSS is saying that they would be fine with it---so we sit and wait. In fact, the supervisior says to me...."I bet you will have four boys". But the uncertainty is killing me and I know in my heart that whatever is best for them I will live with--it's just hard waiting.

Any words of wisdom on reunification, birthmothers and problems, and adoption with angry kids?

Send me a post....really could use your insight on this one.

Lynn
PS: We have no Bio children of our own...so we really would love to start a family.

Foster Mom to:
Son: R,7 11-30-05
Son: E, 5 11-30-05

Daughter R, 2-1-06 moved to Grandparents 4-13-06

Pre-adopt Home (and they will move in this week)
Son: A, 9
Son: D, 6

[swanzie]

Boy oh boy - when it rains it pours in your house!

First let me say congrats on the little ones in your house currently! It sounds like you have made big impact and have attached well with these boys. That is amazing and I aplaud you for that...especially with the tough situation that the boys are in. With most foster to adopt cases the more time you have them the better off you are going to be when it comes down to the trial.

Secondly - on the next two boys who you are considereing as a forever family. With the anger that scares me the most with the foster children I have had. This is an indication of attachment disorder. Do you know any more of their story?? Can you foster then adopt with these kids? Have they had many placements and have you talked with their other foster parents? AND please go to the attachment forum and read alot on the attachment issues you might encounter. This is a BIG undertaking when kids come with this kind of baggage. I am not saying don't do it - what I am saying is make sure you do your homework with these issues so you are well prepared for the challenge as it will definately be one if they have attachment issues or and attachment disorder or reactive attachment disorder....

You need to be well prepared to parent these two with anger issues (if it is anykind of attachment issues) because everything you know about parenting (or thought you did) will be challenged and it is extremely hard to raise one RAD child, I can't imagine trying to take on 2. You have to know and be sure yourself of what you can and cant do as a couple and as a family. You might be the place for these children - then again you might not - you and your husband have to make the decision as to what you feel is best for your family.. But if you suspect any attachment issues - I would make sure you get it into the adoption paperwork somehow that the state is to cover the costs of the childrens therapy as most insurances that I know of do not cover this type of therapy...and you don't want to be hung out to dry.

Currently I am fighting with the insurance to get one of my foster kids diagnosed properly and it is amazing the stuff you learn. I have a post on the attachement forum if you knew your kid had these issues would you have still adopted - most said no way it is too much to handle...and yet tomorrow I have to go into trial and say in front of the judge I am going to adopt at the TPR hearing and I still don't have a diagnosis....and I am extremely nervous about the road that lay ahead for these children either way - by staying here and me getting them the proper help or them going home - I fear they will be on the front of the local news with something horrific happening. It is a sad state of affairs let me tell ya!

Good luck with your decision...

[Boulderbabe]

I'd bet $50 that your first two foster sons will end up in your family permanently. DSS has to go through all these motions, but the signs are definitely not good for either the biomom or the birthgrandma. Just ride it all out----things will end up okay in the end!!

[smousekc]

Hi Swanzie;

Sending you strength to get thru the tough trial ahead---that is just awful!!! I can feel your frustration through your words and just send you strength to get through it all.

I can hear you completely with your last sentence---I feel the same with our foster sons right now.....so I pray that things go for the best of the children.

Thank you soooooooooooooo much for your valuable insight on RAD...I will definitely head there and begin some research! The two adoptive boys have a very sad history. In and out of foster care from 1-4 years of age...then in a foster home for a year and a half who did not want to adopt...then placed in a pre-adoptive home that ended up being abusive both physcially and sexually. This caused the siblings to be split as of August of this past year. Since August they have had two foster adopt homes that decided they wanted their own birth children or other job opportunities and they walked from them. I know one of these couples and they had no clue what they were getting into with foster and were very young. And now enter us. We are in for the long haul and will do what we can to stablize the behavior and live/work thru what we have too.

Again, sincere thanks for your input....good luck in your upcoming battle. Lynn

[smousekc]

Thanks BoulderBabe----appreciate the support and hope you are right too.

[Faith65]

Smousekc,

congates on your first two boys. I would agree that they are with you to stay. But, DCF has to cross all thier t's and dot all their I's. I would say to wait out the ride. It may take time but...I believe in the end you and your husband to be blessed.

Now the older two that you have just started visited. WOW you will have your hands full. They will need contast care, behavior management and love. I would be very concerned of the saftey of your younger two with the older two so angry and the sexually abuse. I'm not saying that you can't take them on and help them grow and heal but you have a very long up hill road ahead of you. I would not make any permament commintment to them or the state at this point.

I wish you much strength and joy along your journey. Keep us posted and please join in the other sites here on attachments they may help shed some light for you.

[Boulderbabe]

It's so hard when it looks like DCFS is taking steps to remove the kids. But, you know, DCFS is a gigantic bureaucracy, and they have to take all the required bureaucratic steps in order to make sure that your adoption, when it happens, is legal and can't be challenged. So they HAVE to homestudy any relatives that request a study, even if they know from the get-go that they'll never ever pass. They HAVE to give the bioparents therapeutic services, even though they know they'll just wash out. If DCFS doesn't go through all the motions, the adoption can be challenged in court. And that is the last thing on earth that you would want.

I think, based on what you say, that everything is going to work out in your favor. Biomom is acting crazy, biograndma's a risk, and the kids are thriving in your care. Just hang tight, throw all your energy into those wonderful kids, and let the rollercoaster roll. You'll get to the station in one piece even if the ride scares the pants off you!!!

Hugs, thoughts and prayers coming your way.

[Boulderbabe]

Hey, I wanted to add, too, that I think you should give serious thought to taking the second set of kids. Your first set will be going through so much with TPR. They will need to know they are stable, loved, and safe. They're going to also need a period of calm and normalcy to get back on their feet after all this turmoil.

Sounds to me like the second set of kids is going to cause a lot of upheaval. Are you sure that now is the time to add to the family? Would it be better to wait until your family has settled into a stable routine before adding new people to the mix?

[smousekc]

Hi Faith;

Ya know, we have had the 4 boys together and they are wonderful to each other. Play very very well...and this is for three days straight. And in fact, I was shocked. I think that the boys who have been with us---who keep in mind behaved very similar to the current boys when we got them--my husband says--have been a support for them. I hear them talking and they talk about foster care and how they get mad and it is actually good to hear them vent with each other. There is healing.

I think that I need to clear up that they are angry but they are not hostile or abusive. If anything they are negative self talk to themselves. To others they are very loving...and confused and want desperately for that forever family. It just hurts how bad they want it.

We are going to continue to monitor closely--but signs so far---are good. Thank you Faith for your words of support.

CW told me today that they are going to tell the boys this weekend that we have agreed to go forward and be their forever family. We are happy. Lynn

[smousekc]

Thanks BoulderBabe---you are right. Birthmom does three steps forward and then ten back. And the dance is crazy. I just have to give it up and trust that what will be the best will be for us.

We had to take them to a three hour parenting class tonight 6pm-9pm for her. She arrived 20 mins late and they almost had us take them home. But they stayed. The boys said they played games for three hours with the counselors....man, it's hard. {I think it is outrageous to have a 5 year old up that late for games--but you grin and bear it.}

The good news...no more visits or meetings til Monday. YEAH!!! We get our regular boys back then and not the ones filled with anxiety.

Thanks for letting me share. Lynn

[smousekc]

BoulderBabe: I have to respectfully disagree--my comment about their anger I think is not as intense as many have seen. And for me it was more then I was used to...but definitely not over the top considering what they have dealt with.

The current boys actually came and told us that they think we should adopt them. They have no clue even. But they really have been getting along great and good friends for each other. They are all within a year of each other in age.

My thoughts are positive and I think this is a good thing for us. The word of caution is appreciated tho.
Lynn

[Faith65]

Lynn,

it's nice to hear that you believe that this is a good match that is half the battle. Also your boys are encouraging you without even knowing what the options are. So, when does the move happen? This week, next? Do you have a room all set for them? Have you contacted the school and all? Details please!

I hope you didn't take may words too hard. Just giving my thoughts for all they matter. It seems that you are very strong and postive to move forward with 4 boys! Good for you. Enjoy your journey and keep us posted.

[stevenstwin]

I think it sounds like you have a pretty clear idea of what to expect. I have an angry one, too - he's 15, and he is also very sweet and loving and can be quite gentle and nurturing, but I've seen some pretty intense verbal rages. It would be hard NOT to be angry with all he's been through, but he is definitely not "dangerous". I just wanted to stress that I don't think anger by itself is always related to RAD. Our boy doesn't seem to be attachment disordered at all, which is somewhat surprising given his history. Good luck with everything!

[smousekc]

Hi Faith;

Thank you so much for replying with your solid support. The entire time that we have been visiting and having the other boys has been going on for about 2 and a half months now. And we also will have them moved into our home for a min of 6 months foster care starting next weekend. So it's not a hasty decision and we have gone back and forth a bit...not for their behavior but on the idea of raising "4" boys. I think that Sunday was a day that I was at the cross roads...and I knew after that day--the choice was already in my husband and my mind. We're moving forward.

So caseworker called me twice today at work and stated that the boys have bunk beds and we will move them in next week...the beds that is...since CW has to go to a conference and they are at his parents home. Also the boys will be coming to us for weekends until school lets out on May 25. Then from there on out, they are with us. I think that is a sound decision with school...keep things as is. They will remain in the same school...as it is already our neighborhood school. But things are progressing.

There room is ready, but I am thinking I might paint a fun color and then look for neat comforters for the bed. Maybe this weekend we will do some looking on line.

Thanks Faith! Lynn

[smousekc]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

I think it sounds like you have a pretty clear idea of what to expect. I have an angry one, too - he's 15, and he is also very sweet and loving and can be quite gentle and nurturing, but I've seen some pretty intense verbal rages. It would be hard NOT to be angry with all he's been through, but he is definitely not "dangerous". I just wanted to stress that I don't think anger by itself is always related to RAD. Our boy doesn't seem to be attachment disordered at all, which is somewhat surprising given his history. Good luck with everything!

Thanks Stevenstwin; That really is how I feel as well. We will just have to be open to what ever we are handed and be there for them. Thanks for all the great support.