[kikibrando]

Okay, here's another silly little tidbit from my day. T requested the return of a diaper bag sent home with S. Okay, no big deal, but she got hostile with the social worker about this.

When S first came into care, I picked her up from the hospital. The bag is the standard Beatrix Potter version supplied by formula companies. I figured it was best to use this for visits because it's compact, handy, and has enough storage for whatever S needs for an hour visit. But apparently, there's been a problem with this the past year.

The first time I took filled it for a visit and sent it with S, the mother, T, complained the little black hospital bag wasn't good enough. So, she took that diaper bag and sent along the "all-sport utility, looks like a seabag going on a cruise, Winnie the Pooh diaper bag." Carrying this thing is like going on a two-week vacation. It's cumbersome, but I only use it on Wednesdays.

Fast forward several months.... the black diaper bag reappears, as mentioned in my other thread. I brought it home and we have used it several times. T hasn't requested it be sent back, until today. Now, she's requested it be returned, completely outfitted with all the things she sent. Okay. I can do this too. (All the while I'm thinking, she's a weenie!) Tonight, I went to the dollar store and resupplied everything I can possibly remember she put in the bag. I'll return it next week.

However, I'm getting tired of what we now call the diaper bag war in my house. Not a war from our point of view, but it just seems a control issue for T. I know this is going to get more nuts as weeks go on and this heads for TPR. I know this latest tantrum is a result of her learning we have both her children in our care. (I don't know if she's aware we finalized Ben's adoption tihs morning, or of his name change.)

My husband has suggested returning both diaper bags and simply using the one we have here at home for visits. He suggested politely telling the social worker this is the most positive, polite way to bow out of the conflict T's creating. He suggest this will allow T to carry her own bag and feel secure with whatever it is that's causing the problem. We will also hopefully avoid any receiving any further lists of what we are doing "wrong" with S.

It seems to me this is likely a positive solution. I guess I'm also just posting out of frustration with T. I do try very hard to make sure S is bathed and dressed nicely for every visit. Also, I make sure the diaper bag is well-stocked, everything washed and folded and neat.

Big sigh. Thanks for listening.

[jackiesbooks]

I think you husband suggestion is the right one. Any word on scheduling for TPR?

[kikibrando]

No, but I'm aware DSS is filing the inital custody paperwork now.

[tpakra]

I know with our situations, we are actually not allowed to bring a diaper bag to the visits. BMom and dad have to provide everything for the visit on their own, and they need to bring their own stuff. And you are correct, this is a classic case of her trying to have control of something, even something so small as a diaper bag. You might want to talk to the case worker about this. I'd tell her that you are done playing that game and that you'd rather focus your care and attention on the foster child rather than worry every week about a diaper bag.

[jstodd01]

I have so been right there. I had that with one of my bio parents to. What a hoot . Just give that mom everything she has ever given you. And I mean everything you can think of. Clothes, shoes, toys the works. That way you don't have anything she could want. and give it to the caseworker to give to her. the caseworker is suposed to be a buffer between you make her do it. Inform the worker you are capable of caring for the child without the bmom's help and don't require anything from her any more. good luck.

[leastofthese]

When things got this crazy over STUPID stuff, I would usually not even take a diaper bag. I would send 2 diapers, a compact case or ziplock bag of wipees and a sippee cup or bottle filled with whatever the child drinks. You could put it in a Wal-Mart bag just to contain it.

As far as I'm concerned, life is way too complicated already to continue fighting over stuff like that! You are right about that!!!

I would have a hard time depending on the birth parent to bring any thing necessary, but if they wanted anything like toys or extra clothes, I would let them be responsible for that! Then I would send it back home with the birth parents at the end of the visit so I didn't have to be responsible for it.

UGH!!! What a frustrating situation!

[kikibrando]

I'm returning both diaper bags to T next week. I've decided, per my husband's suggestion, it would simply be less of a headache to bring my own. This avoids any further miscommunications regarding T's "property" issues, and I'll feel less resentful when she plays these head games with the caseworker and I.

Here's a copy of the note I'll be sending along,

Dear Ms. ___________

I'm returning the diaper bags to you with their contents. The blanket, burp cloth, pacifier, small toys, and wet wipes container are in the Winnie the Pooh bag. For your convenience, I've laundered the blanket and burp cloth, as well as refilled the container with baby wipes.
The black bag is being returned to you with reasonable replacements of the items you requested, per the list you presented Ms. _____________ (social worker). Additionally, I've purchased any products I recall may have been in the bag originally.
I've placed a small bottle of olive oil conditioner in the diaper bag, too. Petroleum-based hair products can clog hair follicles, pores, and attract dust. The hair greases and lotions seem to weigh down S's hair, so I've avoided using these. A stylist I spoke with recommended more natural products which are safe for her skin.
I'm replacing the baby powerder. But, I have been avoiding using these with S, also. Talc can be ingested, causing aspiration and lung damage. Also, baby powder has been linked to certain cancers of the female reproductive organs. I have avoided these products with my children, and also my foster children. I'm doing my best to provide S with a healthy, safe environment.
To avoid any furhter miscommunications, I've decided it's prudent for me to use those items I have. If there are any additional things you prefer returned to you, please provide Ms. _____________ (caseworker) with a list. I will return these at your earliest convenience.

Most Sincerely,

DSS Foster Parent


Any thoughts?

[jstodd01]

Personally I love it. But to play devils advocate it could seem like a slap in the face to the mom. if I were you I would just givethe stuff to the worker and have the worker tell her to give the list to her and she will make sure you get it. Leave the mom out of the equation.The bmom is the one with the problem not you. Take her out of the problem and you have no problem. If things are that bad when you are face to face with her ask the worker if you can drop S off early or make arrangements for the worker to pick up S so you have no contact with T. I ended up using the back door to our offices so I wouldn't have any contact with the bparents.

[ca-bigsister]

I wouldn't write a typewritten letter or note. As a former family law paralegal, I was amazed at husbands who went crazy when they received writings about their behavior. That's usually when they became violent against their wives . If people just said stuff about their violent behavior, it was no big deal, but seeing it in writing made them go crazy.

If ** has no control, this will give her something to really HOLD ONTO. I'd just return the bag and say thanks for letting me use the stuff and smile sweetly. I'd even add something extra from a dollar store for her, even though this will be difficult, because that way you are showing that you are the bigger person and she will then have nothing to hold onto. And then I wouldn't take anything from her or give her anything else, except a small birthday gift (such as a framed picture of the child) from you and your foster child.

Just my opinion.

[kikibrando]

Originally Posted by ca-bigsister

I wouldn't write a typewritten letter or note. As a former family law paralegal, I was amazed at husbands who went crazy when they received writings about their behavior. That's usually when they became violent against their wives . If people just said stuff about their violent behavior, it was no big deal, but seeing it in writing made them go crazy.

If ** has no control, this will give her something to really HOLD ONTO. I'd just return the bag and say thanks for letting me use the stuff and smile sweetly. I'd even add something extra from a dollar store for her, even though this will be difficult, because that way you are showing that you are the bigger person and she will then have nothing to hold onto. And then I wouldn't take anything from her or give her anything else, except a small birthday gift (such as a framed picture of the child) from you and your foster child.

Just my opinion.

Thanks for the input. I'm not sending a note, after careful thought about this and the suggestion here. But, I think more than than not, it's good therapy to at least write my feelings down on paper when I feel this frustrated. I need to remember that T is mentally disabled, too. Sometimes, it's just so hard to deal with the little petty crap that comes along with foster parenting.

Again, this forum keeps me sane.

[ca-bigsister]

Yes, journaling and writing down our feelings and what we'd like to scream at Bioparents is very therapeutic and helps to release feelings so that the anger doesn't turn inward to depression. Write, write, write and don't edit. Just let it flow. Make sure it's a journal that Foster kids won't see but definitely LET IT OUT!!

[locoenlacabeza]

Bwahahaha! I am so sorry but I got such a giggle out of your letter! We too have had the diaper bag war! We ended up doing the same thing that was suggested in an earlier post and sending only enough wipes and diapers to sustain a 2 hour visit plus a bottle. Wrapped up all neat and tidy in a grocery bag.
I also do not think that you should send the letter although it is great! I think that it will only fuel ** fire and as previously stated give her something to hold onto.