[kikibrando]

How do you deal with it? I know it's misplaced, to some degree, because S's mother is only acting on her own frustration and inability to deal with the consequences of her actions and intellectual limits.

I feel such anger, frustration, and contempt for this woman and her family for what they haven't done for and have done to these children. The thought S could be returned to her made me physically ill this morning. I have a headache now, which I know is more nerves than anything.

When in the near vicinity of T, the mother, I feel nothing but negativity flowing from her. This morning, the hatred she has for me flowed across the room and infected everything. I tried so hard to keep my nose stuck in my book of defense, the hardback novel I always take to court with me to hide behind and avoid her gaze. This is the same thing each time we go to court and every time there's a foster parent review board. This morning, she was so nasty and I could feel her words directed toward me. She now knows I have both her children, thanks to her attorney.

I'm trying so hard to be positive and realize she's just a product of her environment. I fear this could be the environment my daughter is sent to, and it terrifies me. The contempt she feels for me is misdirected, but this morning, I felt just a twinge of it myself toward her I was so tempted to call her on the carpet for her infantile behavior, but realize, T's only mentally 11 or 12. Sometimes, I want so badly to berate her for what she's done to her children, as well as that she's had four children she can't take care of. I know, it's pointless and I wouldn't feel any better afterward or even be a better person for it.

Ugh! At least I can go the gym today and take my aggression out on the treadmill and weights.

Thanks for listening to another rant. Thank goodness for this board and all the wonderful members for the support I get here. I'd be nuts without you all.

Cyber

[bjhv5]

I am so sorry.I know the feeling though! J(the bio mom to F,N,K,S) and bio dad did not start doing anything until March and now everyone is bending over for them.When she looks at me or one of the kids call's me mom the anger and hatred flows across.

I know that when I took S for the first visit I sat there sick to my stomache even though I had taken K this was a helpless baby.

all we can do is ask for strength!!

[japit823]

I try to remember I am here for the boys. If I let the BP upset me, or let the anger build up, I am letting them control me too. Then everyone in my home is affected because I am not myself. I don't want to see that happen. I hope this helps you a little too.

[Singlemom619]

There were times when I was fostering my son that I thought I hated his mom. For the same reasons you said - for what she'd done to him and allowed to happen to him. And then for flip flopping - going to rehab and checking herself out, telling me she wanted to adopt him and she'd sign him over to me (although she didn't have that right we found out because he was in state custody) and then contesting TPR.

I realized she loved her son and she just didn't want to give up. AND I realized that when she was sober she was thinking clearly and wanting what was best for him - and when she was using she started acting "stupid."

I've talked with her more at length now that he's legally mine. I have so much respect for her because she didn't appeal her TPR and said she wasn't going to because she wanted things to speed up for her son. She wanted what was best for him. She wished she could have him BUT she said she knew I was a better mom for him and I could do things that she couldn't. She's told me many times that she loves him but she doesn't want him to go through what she went through.

I feel so bad for her and I have told her before I wish I could help her but I know I can't.

Yesterday he called her after his adoption was finalized (he had his good bye visit on Monday and that was the first time he had seen or heard from her since like October).... She talked to me again at length thanking me... I told her if I could do anything to help her to please call me. I also told her how much respect I have for her for stepping away like she did because many bparents with kids in FC fight and fight even when they seem to know it's only hurting their kids....

Anyway - I had a point and I got off track like usual. When I was able to realize that his mom had no control over what she was doing because of the drugs AND because she was raised the same way (worse actually) I was able to feel sorry for her.

Now I have a lot of respect for her. I still feel bad for her too....

[Luvbeingmommy]

Singlemom 619,

Congratulations on your finalization! I am hoping to finalize on my two angels by the end of summer.

[stevenstwin]

My husband (Rick) really struggles with this, and I do to a lesser degree. In the case of our foster son, he is 15 and has lived with this man (his uncle) for 8 years - and when it REALLY drives Rick nuts is when he hears A. say or sees A. do something that he obviously picked up from his uncle...certain attitudes, etc. Rick hates the man for the way he has treated A. and what he has done to him...and I sometimes suspect that maybe he's a little unhappy because A. still so desperately loves his uncle. It make is hard for Rick to even be civil when the guy is mentioned, and I've told him that is VERY harmful to A. - he should never put down the bios! He even tries to correct A. every time he uses the word "Dad" and says "you mean your uncle." Now, as for me, I felt like that in the beginning, but now I've come to the conclusion that the uncle really probably DOES love this kid, and perhaps has even tried his best. Unfortunately, due to his own mental health issues and background, his best JUST ISN"T GOOD ENOUGH, and he can't see it. (or maybe he can - he apparently told A. "you'll be a better father than I ever was".) Now, that's easy to say considering I've never actually met the bios face-to-face; ask me again after the TPR! ;-)

[hotspice58]

My last 2 foster sons, who I had for almost 2 years and one from 2 days have a bio mom who's bipolar. Loved us in the beginning and up until the kids were RU and the 8 yo was still calling me mommy. then she stopped all visits which was very hard. But life goes on. I feel that the foster parents with the negativity will get it back. You get back what you put out. I think they're mad with themselves but don't have the faculties to better their position in life.

[jackiesbooks]

What book?

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Can I ask a question... and I might be alone on this one...but why do you attend the court dates?

We have had nothing but positive rapport with our bioparents. BUT, this is not to say that they have not had their issues, outbursts, and screaming and cussing fits with the office and CW.

My philosophy has always been that whatever happens in court is between the state and the parents. The CW will inform me of information I need to know. If I were to attend a hearing where they are coming into the situation on the defense anyway, I feel I would just be setting myself up for a negative rapport. They HATE the CW for bringing them into this situation, they HATE the state...even though it is not even a person, they are not about to accept responsibility for their own actions so they will hate anyone and anything that they feel is a threat...they HATE the judge. What bigger place is going to intimidate or threaten them than sitting in court before a judge while a CW is focusing on everything they are NOT doing in the case plan? I think I would hate everyone too.

I find a common ground. I love their children...despite their choices, they love their children to the best of their ability. If there is nothing else you can agree on, that is it. Sometimes you are the only one they feel sees this and supports their relationship. I have always shared pictures, stories, written letters (from the boy's perspective), and directed any "difficult" questions to the CW. "I am not sure about that situation, you will have to talk to CW." Even if I KNOW the answer is a resounding NO!!! Our first CW told us that they do not pay us enough to deal with the anger...that is THIER job and direct it their way.

With both our cases they resulted in the birth parents asking us to adopt their children. I believe it is all because of the way we approached the situation. (I thank my licensor for the guidance and advice...best I ever received!)

Just offering a different perspective...

[kikibrando]

Originally Posted by Bug&Bearsmommy

Can I ask a question... and I might be alone on this one...but why do you attend the court dates?

I attend court because what happens to my foster daughter matters a great deal to me ~ not implying you don't feel the same way. Often, it's the only way I receive information pertinent to S's case.

I attend court dates because I don't want to be at home and learn the social worker is on her way to remove her from my care without warning. It's my nature to want to stay informed. The social worker and I haven't always had the relationship that's developed recently ~ she still takes days to let me know what's going on or decisions made regarding S. Perhaps my military background, I'm not sure. I have to be "in the know" regarding S.

We have had nothing but positive rapport with our bioparents. BUT, this is not to say that they have not had their issues, outbursts, and screaming and cussing fits with the office and CW.

This hasn't been my experience. T is prone to violence. The attitude toward the children is one of possession, not love. Her nickname for my son was "Little M_____
F_____." That was one of the nicer ones. Sometimes, this has been directed at non-DSS persons.

The county I'm licensed in discourages contact between foster parents and biological parents in most cases. It's a policy I agree with as I'm not trained to deal with the situations as social workers are.

My philosophy has always been that whatever happens in court is between the state and the parents. The CW will inform me of information I need to know. If I were to attend a hearing where they are coming into the situation on the defense anyway, I feel I would just be setting myself up for a negative rapport. They HATE the CW for bringing them into this situation, they HATE the state...even though it is not even a person, they are not about to accept responsibility for their own actions so they will hate anyone and anything that they feel is a threat...they HATE the judge. What bigger place is going to intimidate or threaten them than sitting in court before a judge while a CW is focusing on everything they are NOT doing in the case plan? I think I would hate everyone too.

I find a common ground. I love their children...despite their choices, they love their children to the best of their ability. If there is nothing else you can agree on, that is it. Sometimes you are the only one they feel sees this and supports their relationship. I have always shared pictures, stories, written letters (from the boy's perspective), and directed any "difficult" questions to the CW. "I am not sure about that situation, you will have to talk to CW." Even if I KNOW the answer is a resounding NO!!! Our first CW told us that they do not pay us enough to deal with the anger...that is THIER job and direct it their way.

With both our cases they resulted in the birth parents asking us to adopt their children. I believe it is all because of the way we approached the situation. (I thank my licensor for the guidance and advice...best I ever received!)

Won't happen. When TPR hearing occurred for my son, T didn't want to parent him. She requested her parents have custody of him. Not suprisingly, something simliar happened today.

Just offering a different perspective...

Thanks for your prospective.

[kikibrando]

Originally Posted by jackiesbooks

What book?

Just a book I carry, not literal.

[mom2GRLC]

I soooooo feel the same way at times.

I've had my own anger/dissapointment issues to deal with after my daughter's mom signed the TPR. Yet at the same time so much love and compassion for her, for the hard thing she had to do.

It's such a fine line.....these emotions seem to flow on.

In trying to keep an open adoption with my daughter bmom.....you'd think she'd be greatful and cherish every little thing I did in order to give her that privellege and blessing. But she didn't see it that way. All she could see was her own feelings and how she wasn't with her child and i was. How nothing I could ever give her...would give her what she really wanted. With every contact we had I sensesd sooooo much anger, sadness and denial and resentment towards me.

We've had to reduce our contact dramatically because of it....and because of the fact that she was never willing to offer much in the way of stories or family medical/personal history for my child. It just didn't turn out to be a great thing.....none of us were prepared to deal with all the emotions it would bring....

but to say the least....I've been there...and now that I've adopted...well....it's still there.

[twinflana]

There are many caseworkers out there that do not keep you informed and that is why some of us attend the court hearings.


Here in our county we actually have one Judge who wants the foster parents there, he feels that is the best way to get accurate information on how the children are doing.

[japit823]

We go to every court hearing. The judge asks how we feel about different things and when they are changing visitation we were able to tell them days that weren't good for us. The judge said ok well this day is good for you how about noon til 4 and we were able to say that isn't that good can we do 2 to 6, the judge did it without a problem. By having input we can make sure our lives and family unit are disrupted as little as possible.

[Forever_family]

This may be off topic from theoriginal post. I am a new foster mom. We were told over and over again in our MAPPS training we needed to go to court. I am told this by all of our social workers, it is important for us to be there.

Our county expects us to "mentor" for our birth parents. I don't always agree with this policy but that is what it is. They want us to develop a safe relationship with the birth parents. I feel this should be case by case but that is another topic.

I went to court the first time with my first emergency placment and felt very awkward when I unknowingly sat next to the birth parents. When we realized who we were we we able to have a friendly conversation. They realized that I did not remove their children. I kept the conversation about the kids and not about what was happening. They were very polite and thanked me over and over again for caring for their children. I asked them for a picture I could show their son who was 18 months old and missing them pretty badly. It was weird to hear all the negative personal information in court but I was glad I was there because I don't think I would have known any of the details of what was said if I hadn't gone. I was told to go by the SW.

THe second emergency placement was different. These parents were (I feel) nuts, angry, scary, threatening, made up things about me that were so ridiculous it defies reason. I only had their children for a week and I think they accused me of everything they possibly could even when there was nothing to blame me for they found something. The one visit I took the kids to I was supposed to arrive early and the SW were going to handle it because they knew that they would be impossible. I got off of the elevator and they were there (waiting for me) and it was just us, no SW in sight! They started ranting and raving, screaming at me, grabbed the baby and took the 3 year old. I left as soon as a SW showed up. There was no point in talking to them nothing I said or did would change that they were specifically going to be angry with me. They were also screaming and ranting at the SW and the secratary who, thankfully, ran to find somebody. Apperantly after I left it was an even larger ugly scene. They accused the CPS worker (who was as sweet as they come) of giving their son a black eye on the way to my house because it wasn't there before he left their home. She had documented it at their home. Then they accused me of giving him the same black eye. They also accused me of cutting the 3 week old infants hair (he had a bald spot he came with I felt from being left in his car seat or bed...anyway needless to say it was ridiculous.) There was no way to reason or even try to reason with these birth parents.

I really think this must be individual. Some birth parents are capable of seeing that you did not cause this situation and are there to care and love their children while they get their act together/or in your case where they cannot. Others are angry, period. Perhaps there are those who are in the middle on this but you can't reason with unreasonable people. I was very upset with the threatening birth parents. They had horribly abused their child! Broken an infants arm and admited to it. It was beyond logic that they would scream at me because their son was wearing a winter hat that was not the style they wanted for him (they refused to send him with any of this clothes because they didn't want to have them ruined) so it was the only hat I could find in late winter season, their almost 3 year old son had picked it out for himself, and it was very cold January day. Tried to explain this to them but got screamed at. Realized quickly it didnt' matter what it was they were going to find something to be irate with me no point of even trying or worrying about it. I think its a good idea to take a step away from the emotions of this and analyze if this birth parent is capable of being a reasonable, rational human being. I think some (most likely rare) birth parents are able to be reasonable and I imagine most are not. In those cases I would imagine many are angry and will direct that at any person who is threatening them as a parent, it would make sense that they would have a lot of anger and resentment towards the person who is now parenting their children, and doing a much better job at it.