[stevenstwin]

I'm really worried and unhappy right now. I just had a talk with my 13 year old daughter, Morgan, last night, and I'm really afraid that she's given up, and that this situation is too much for her. Rick and I both agree that A. has been trying REALLY hard to get along with her, but he's not perfect. (brief history - he's had a tendency to blame her for things that she hasn't done, and always assume that she is being rude to him - so he's had his fair share of shouting at her, telling her to shut up, etc. We've been working on it since he got here in January). We're happy with the improvement, but I guess I was expecting too much from a 13 year old. Morgan said last night "I don't want to say that I want him moved, because I don't want to hurt your feelings. But I wish you'd never met him. I just can't forgive him for how mean he was in the first few weeks, and there is nothing he could do to make it better. Even if he was suddenly PERFECT it wouldn't make a difference. I'm so tired of someone being ANGRY so much of the time. And I just don't want ANYONE else here - I want it to be just our family again." And she was fighting tears while she was saying all this. I know Rick's feeling towards A. go up and down a bit as well, but his bottom line is that he's cautiously optomistic about our ability to keep him, but if Morgan is still miserable, he feels we really can't. I think my 7 year old, Kiana, also has shades of wanting the family to go back to the way it was, and not understanding almost constant anger, but not as intensely as Morgan. By the way, I've explained PLENTY why he is so angry, what the anger is probably really hiding (fear/anxiety/loss), and what steps we are all taking to help him with that. His TPR trial is at the end of June, and that's kind of the deadline Rick and Morgan are looking at to make a decision of if we can committ to him permanently. I just can't imagine what is going to happen to him IF the TPR goes through AND the family he's been working so hard to trust and love for 6 months says he can't stay! And he's likely to end up in a group home. The one thing I'm getting REALLY tired of hearing is "you have to put your own family first.". I struggle with that - on some level I can see it - certainly I'd never keep a kid who was a DANGER to my family or my children in any way. But I love this boy as if he were my own - I really can't imagine turning him out anymore than I could one of the girls! We went through the whole process of getting approved as foster care providers just so we could take him, specifically. A. isn't a danger;I know he can be really "hard to take" at times, but he is such a GOOD kid in all the 'big' ways that really count. I don't know if this is a normal adjustment phase for Morgan, or if there is anything I can do to help. I've suggested she see the family counsellor we've started working with, but she says she doesn't want to go "Because I'm sick and tired of talking about A. all the time! And there's nothing anyone can say that is going to help!".

[hotspice58]

How old is he? Is he in therapy? Find a good therapist. Also, try activities (Boy Scouts, martial arts, etc.). If you're not his first placement, there will be anger. I had a teenager for a year. He was 14 when I got him and I was his 5th placement in 5 years. I had to let him go because he wasn't going to school and when he was, he would jump off the bus, talked back to everyone, etc. Not sure if he'll change right away but I hope this helps.

You're in my prayers.

[stevenstwin]

Thank you Millie. He's 15, and this is his 15th placement. Most have been very short - only a few weeks, and right back to the bios. Except for one year in a group home when he was 9, this is the longest he's been away from "home" (he was in a temporary foster home at the beginning of October, and then placed with us after we specifically asked for him near the end of January). I met him while I was teaching him in grade 9. So YES - he has a lot of anger and sorrow! I've JUST convinced him to start counselling - so I hope that will help, but I know they are going to start out very SLOWLY so as not to scare him off. He's not eager to participate in ANYTHING, like what you suggest, but I DO need to help him find outlets for his feelings. I guess this post wasn't really about HIM -it was about my daughter and trying to figure out how to make it work for her!

[hotspice58]

Wish I could help with that: I don't have any bio kids. Good luck! I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

[tvs4]

I would give it a little longer to see how things go. On the plus side, your daughter is talking to you about how she feels and that is good and you should always validate her feelings - even if you don't agree with them. She might really feel like it is all about your FS now. I highly recommend you try to share special time with your daughter so she knows mom is still there for her too.

My parents took in foster children when I was growing up (they started when I was nine and did it until I was about 15). I can completely understand as a bio child feeling annoyed, angry, selfish, bothered, envy (they get WAY more attention from everyone:social workers, bio parents, foster parents, therapists,) etc . However, those same feelings happen with bio siblings. We still all fought over the cereal box toys - the bios and the fosters. I also remember really not liking some of my foster brothers and sisters and feeling at times like it made our house more chaotic and less "fun". But it also taught me a good lesson early in life that not everyone was as lucky as I was to have parents like I had. It taught me how to open my heart, to share (even when I don't like it), to see people for more than what is superficial and to believe that people are at their cores good. It also lead me to be a foster parent now (my bio daughter is 26 months and my foster son is 22 months). I'm certainly not saying that every bio child will grow up to be a foster parent but I do think it helps give your bio children a unique perspective and hopefully empathic view of the world we live in.

Which ever decision you make (to keep after TPR or not) I know you will be making the best decision at that time for everyone involved.

[Lylac]

I don't have any advice, just sending prayers that somehow your family can get to a place that everyone can be happy with.

[Faith65]

tvs4 had some really great points! I would validate your daughters feelings. I would also try to make some you and her time alone. Maybe, the book store, a play, movie, hike a cooking class together. Remember at 13 kids are all about themselves. They are being selfish and not seeing the bigger person.

I also agree it's great she's talking, I would have all of you go to therapy too together or have someone come into the house for everyone to share. Even most families with boi's should never mind throwing in the mix a foster/adoptive child or two.

Keep us posted, praying for you!

[Faith65]

sorry ........


not seeing the bigger picture not person! LOL

[JDMonroe]

Well you do have to put your own family first... and sometimes that means teaching them a lesson they haven't quite got the grasp of yet. Forgiveness is a skill that we all need and we all can do better at...otherwise it's going to be a very a lonely world.

TVs4 also made some great points. We'll keep you in prayer!!

[Bailey071097]

Maybe individual therapy for your bio children would help. Then they can talk about themselves, not the foster son.

[echobunny89]

stevenstwin- I can totally relate to what you are going through right now. My 10 yr FD and my 10 yr old bio-daughter go at each other like you wouldn't believe. They just can't stand each other. There is a lot of jealousy issues between them. My bio daughter is the youngest girl of the family and my FD was the youngest sibling of her family before she was removed. So you can imagine the two of them constantly competing with each other for my attention. They were sharing a room but are now seperated now that the addition to my house is finished. The fighting has let up somewhat but not as much as I had hoped. If I hear one of them calling the other "idiot" one more time I'll flip! My youngest girl doesn't want the foster children here. She has made that clear from the beginning. My other 3 bio's are somewhat neutral about it. I think sometimes they would like to have the house back to normal but at other times they enjoy having their new siblings to hang around with. I will admit, my oldest is eyeing that new room just built as a bedroom for my foster children. She knows that if they leave the room is hers and she won't have to share a room with her sister any longer. However she gets along really well with C and I think in the end, if I decide to have them moved, my oldest will be upset with me about it.

I think counseling is a good idea. I wish I could get my yongest bio-daughter into it but its just not happening. The SW promised me it would be arranged but nothing so far. Too many kids needing counseling and not enough counselers to go around.

In the end I really think the decision has to be made primarily by the adults affected. I can only imagine how many foster parents on this board who wouldn't be fostering if it was up to their bio-children.

Please keep us updated! I am following this thread because if somewhat relates to what I am going through myself. Good luck!

[stevenstwin]

Thank you ALL - but especially JDMonroe for the unique perspective on "putting my children first". I hadn't thought of it that way and I really like - hopefully my husband will see the point, too!

[Ashbre]

At the time, it was my nephew who had come to live with us as his mother had kicked him out and then his maternal grandmother kicked him out. Did I mention he was 12 at this time??? I got a call one day from my Army brother (who was in Iraq at that time) asking if I would take him. Had to drive 11 hours (from western Kentucky to northern tip practically of Virginia) to go pick him up and all was great at first. Did I also forget to mention that he is exactly 5 mos younger than my younger daughter???

Let me tell you, those two butted heads at every turn. He even gave her her very first black eye. I had her telling me she wished I’d never taken him in, I had him telling me he would just move back to Virginia but I stuck to my guns. It lasted for a while but after repeatedly telling the both of them that we were a family now and family doesn’t turn their back on family, they eventually started getting along. While I realize this was my nephew and not a foster child, we had only seen this kid maybe 3 or 4 times in his entire life at that point and the most recent time had been like 4-5 yrs earlier so we were in most ways, strangers to each other.

My nephew had a lot of anger issues from dealing with his psycho mom and it took a while to iron them out, but it can be done with a lot of patience and understanding which it sounds like you have on hand.

Also, my two girls (ages now 15 and 16) tend to fight like cats and dogs off and on. YDD has told ODD that she wishes she’d never been born, that she would die, get killed somehow etc. I swear sometimes I’ve needed to tie them down to keep them from going at each other but its finally starting to end and they’re actually acting nice towards each other etc. I even once actually told them that they had to write down 10 nice things about each other and made them exchange the papers.

Life is never easy and we don’t always get what we want – kids need to learn it now rather than as adults. Also, it seems like people are getting to be where they think relationships are disposable and don’t bother trying to work things through.

Don’t give in yet – why doesn’t your daughter do counseling and just talk about her??? Or since she seems to feel that everything is about her, why not try mom/daughter dates where just the two of you do something together? A movie, dinner, shopping or even window shopping.

Hope you can find something useful in any part of this.

Best wishes,

Donna

[MomInAL]

I don't know that I have any answers for you either, but we have been going through a lot of the same thing. My 16 bio daughter went from being the youngest of two, to now being the oldest (at home) of four! It's been a complete roll change for her, and it has not been easy.

There are times when she has said she wishes it could go back like it was before, but at the same time she says she could never do that because she'd worry about what would happen to these kids.

I think the best thing is to be honest with her about her feelings. Let her know that it is OK to feel that way sometimes - and let her know that she can talk to you about her feelings without fear of reprisal against her. I think that has helped my daughter alot - to know she can talk to us about how she feels and that we will not judge her for it.

Also, try to do something special with her. My daughter has always been "daddy's girl" - so she missed their special time together. I just found out about a group she LOVES that is going to be near us in a couple weeks and I bought two tickets for her and her dad to go enjoy the night together. It doesn't have to be something that big, maybe just going for a drive together or something to spend time with them and do what THEY want to do. Make it all about them when you have one on one time.

It won't solve all the problems, but it will help your daughter to know that she is still important to you. I think the bio's sometimes feel lost in the shuffle of all the things dealing with the foster kids.

Keep us posted. You are in my prayers.

MomInAL
DD 18, DD 16, FD 15, FS 11, FS 9
(TPR 2/06 - adopting soon!)

[WhoKnew]

We've also been in a similar situation, but my kids are younger. I can not stress enough the importance of 'alone time' for just you and Morgan. Any activities that get her out of the house or him out of the house, but not together, will also help. My girls need plenty of breaks from each other!


I absolutely agree that you have to accept her feelings (and let her know you accept them), even help her name them, and reassure her that it is okay to feel that way. Remind her that things will get better, and that her feelings will likely change. Maybe even ask her to try and think of things she does like about him, or times when they have had fun together. If she refuses therapy, you might ask her if she would prefer to remain bitter and unhappy or if she would like to try to improve things.