[Tamlynn]

Ok. . still fairly new to this foster parenting thing, but I'm getting the hang of it--I think. One thing I'm still not sure how to handle is the matter of fact way some of these kids blurt out why they are in care. I took two little guys in as an emergency removal from their first set of foster parents (there were allegations and based on the mark on the older boys face. . .not necessarily unsubstantiated) over the weekend. I had mentioned, as we were separating laundry out (I had two other kiddies as respite) that I wanted to keep their things separate since I wasn't sure how long they would be there, when I knew the other two would be leaving us in a few days. The oldest boy (who is 7) told me very matter of factly that they'd be with us for a while because their "real mom beats" them. I was stunned. I mean I understood that physical abuse was part of how he and his 3 brothers (I only have two of them) were originally brought into care but it seemed to be the "side issue" of drug exposure and neglect and I don't know that I've EVER heard of a child just blurting something like that out. All I could manage to say, after scooping up what remained of my composure, was "Oh! Ok." How do some of you more experienced foster parents deal with it? I was struggling emotionally a bit this weekend as it was (PMS or something. . I'm not an emotional woman but I burst into tears at least 3 times), especially after noting the cigarette burn scars and what was apparently previously broken wrist on the 18 month old baby girl I'm providing respite for. Sometimes it seems like too much to hear these horrible stories over and over and when they are so nonchalant, it just rips your heart out. I guess what I'm needing is a quick refresher in how to just buck up or something.

[stevenstwin]

It's interesting that you mention that, since I was totally shocked with something similar with my 14 year old foster son! He doesn't talk a lot about the issues at home (he's in deep denial that there ARE any), but he'll sure tell parts of his life story to anyone who'll listen. Just this weekend we were in WalMart, and he was complaining about being broke. A lady in line behind us said "What did you do with your tax rebate?" (the Alberta government recently gave everyone a cheque for $400). He said calmly 'Oh, I'm in foster care, so I don't get my money. It goes into the trust fund that was set up for me when my mom was killed while driving drunk when I was six." Poor woman - I almost felt sorry for her! I'll bet she'll be more careful what she says casually in a department store! Another time A. puts his hand up in a school assembly and tells the speaker all about his experience with Child Welfare, and how he hates them because they won't let him go home. I think these kids are under so much pressure they just NEED to get some of it out, sometimes! I try to respond in a neutral but supportive way..."Gee, that must be tough." or somethign along those lines - so he feels he can add more if he wants (he sometimes does drop the most amazing details on me just out of the blue), but doesn't feel pressured to say more, like he would if I asked a direct question about it. On the other hand, with your little ones it might just be casual conversation because this is such a normal part of life for them! It's also interesting, isn't it, that their perceptions of WHY they were taken are often a little different from our understandings of it. One side issue with A. is the absolute filth and squalor the house was in - buthe seems to think that he was apprehended this time BECAUSE the house was dirty, and he blames himself for not cleaning the cat's litter box or taking out the garbage.

[AmyAnne]

It's important to try not to cry or get mad when the kids say something like this, even though it breaks your heart. I usually try to validate their worth. I say in a calm voice. "Yes, I remember hearing about that. It is never okay for an adult to beat a child, and I am so sorry that happened to you." and then move on, unless the child continues talking.

[ECDGA]

I do think that sometimes kids just like to have their experiences acknowledged and validated. It is such an important part of their lives and it unfortunately really can define them. I think I would listen with sympathy and offer support and love. Don't probe--just listen. So nice that they trust you already to share this.

[hotspice58]

stevenstwin: your 14 yo may not be in deep denial; he may want to know he can trust you first. That's what happened with my 14 yo.

As for blurting things out: my 8 yo said in cub scouts: "My dad's in jail". Of course, he has to say it at 2 different meetings. And of course, I'm the den mother who said to talk about family. I told him that he doesn't have to tell everyone that.