[echobunny89]

I've sat down with my family and everyone seems to think that I have taken on too much and that I should ask to have the children moved. The consensious seems to be that my bio-children are suffering and it is not fair to them.


How should I approach the SW about this? Will she be mad? Upset? Yell at me? What have your experiences been when you have asked to have a child moved? Should I agree to let them stay here until another placement is found?

[Kay-Ray1]

I just posted the link to the foster parent's bill of rights and it talks about the same situation. I would give her some notice to find them another foster home.

[stevenstwin]

My agreement stipulates that I give 30 days notice, unless there is an emergency situation. But I know that they'd try to find someone before that. I doubt very much that the SW will yell at you or get mad at you, but be prepared for her to want to find a way to save the placement - she'll be exploring WHY it isn't working, and what supports could be put in place to MAKE it work. If you are really determined that you want them moved, you may have to be pretty firm in stating that! Hang in there - I know that now that you've made the difficult decision to have them moved you'd probably like it to be right away! I totally sympathize with you, but as I'm sure you know - you DO owe it to the kids to make the transition as easy as possible.

[echobunny89]

My agreement with the DCYF states that I must give 10 days notice for the removal of the children from my home. I am sure that the SW will try and save the placement but I think at this point what is needed is regular respite (like every weekend or every other weekend) and the state doesn't seem willing to do that. The fact is, I just have too many children here and I am only one person. B's group home has just as many children living there as I do living here but they have at least 2-4 staff (sometimes more) helping to take care of the children. I am one person taking care of 7 on top of housework, laundry, food preperatation ect ect. I just can't do anymore than I am already and the constant fighting between the kids is driving me insane. As much as my heart wants to, I physically can not keep up this pace much longer.

C's constantly goes to the school nurse for every little ache and pain and I have had to pick her up from school more times than I can count which often means that I miss a class at college or can't get things done I had planned that day (food shopping, laundry, work) . Two weeks ago she "fell" and screamed and cryed so much they rushed her by ambulance to the hospital. I got there and sat there for over 4 hours to be told there was nothing wrong with her, not even so much as a bruise! She was running around like nothing happened when we got home and than asked to go to the mall! Last week it was a rash around her cheekbone near her eye that got her out of school. My daughter told me she saw C rubbing it and scratching at it and made it swell up so she could go to the nurse. Another afternoon wasted at the emergency room because her primary care doctor couldn't see her and the school nurse INSISTED that I take her right there and then to be seen. Again nothing wrong with her except contact dermatitis aggravated by her rubbing it! I had an IEP meeting on Thursday and the school nurse popped in to grill me about C's ailments and why was I not taking them serious enough ect ect. I tried explaining to her that she can not send C home for every little thing and that the SW had said C had a history of using ailments of one sort or another and also "falling accidents" as a way to get attention. C even told some classmates and a few teachers that I hadn't fed her or given her anything to drink in two days! Now the school nurse, guidence councilor, IEP teacher ect think I am some mean horrible oger of a foster parent! I am sure you can imagine why I have had it!

T comes off like little miss innocent who is the victim being picked on by my children. Of course what people don't see is the nasty comments to whispers to them or how she breaks things of theirs intentionally always making it seem like an "accident". Just last night when they were dying easter eggs she picked up my bio-daughter's prize egg and than "accidentally" dropped it and broke it. Every meal time is a battle where she refuses to eat even when it is something she likes! I have to repeat myself over and over and over again to get her to get dressed, take a shower, go to bed ect.

Sorry for rambling but I am just so worn out from it all.

[hesabanana]

You are doing the right thing. You and your bio family need to come first. Best of luck.

[AmyAnne]

I can't guarantee your social worker will be understanding but you need to stand your ground. You are making the right decision, and you know it in your heart.

[Schnider1]

I know that no matter what...it's very difficult to be taking care of that many kids by yourself but I'm wondering if those kids help you with anything. They are old enough to do laundry, vacuum, clean bathrooms and such. The 12 year old I have takes out garbage, helps me clean the kitchen after a meal, vacuums, cleans the bathrooms and helps out with whatever infant I may have. She happily does it and I give her a weekly allowance. Helps me tremendously! I only have 3 kids in my household right now though. My NB Granddaughter finally went home with her Mom yesterday. I'm calling DHS tomorrow and telling them I have an opening for an infant or toddler.

Best Wishes to you. You still have so many bios kids in your house. Perhaps you should wait until they are grown up and gone and then try foster care again.

Marsha

[Withay]

Oh Anne ~

My heart is breaking for you. I know that this has to be one of the hardest decisions you have ever had to make. From reading your posts over the last months I know that you have done everything you could to help these girls and how much you wanted to become their forever mom.

Please know that many of us out here are standing at your side, supporting you in what you know in your heart you must do. My prayers are with you.

Blessings,
Lynda

[mylilangels]

You are making the right choice for your family. We are actually in the process of down-sizing our family as well. We have 6, but we just bought a new home, and we had to go w/ what we can afford so we don't have room for our baby girl..We also have an 11yr old that leaves next mth and I'll be down to 4 and that's enough for me. Not to mention I babysit 6 in the summer..lol Dfcs has always tried to get me keep working on a child but we've had several removed for issues we could no longer handle. Our bio kids seem to have had enough at this point. So once we adopt our baby boy we will only foster 1 child and that has to be it..Don't worry about upsetting them, you have to do what's best for you and your family. Best of luck to you.

[shy_bear]

Stand your ground when you speak to your caseworker; she is prob. going to try to convince you not to have them removed. I followed your posts and agree with so many others you are a strong and caring woman who has given a lot to these girls. Your children have to be number one. I hope things go well.

[rtsmedley]

I know that was a tough decision for you and your family to make. It is wrong that respite is not more of an option. Here in CO, we pay for respite out of our monthly stipend.

You have to do what is best for your family. I wish you the best of luck!

[Faith65]

Echo,

Good Morning. No matter what anyone has said or not said about your three girls that you have been fostering they are specail needs kids. They all have issues of one kind or another if not more. You have tried your best and realize that this is more than you or your family asked for. Each girl needs some very indivual time and attention to heal from their past.

Would you consider keeping maybe one of them if not all 3? I had a sibling group about 6 years ago as kinship. Together they where way to much. Wanted to separate them but everyone said no. I asked for thier removal. They had been with me for 13 months. From my home they had 3 more placements within 6 months and finally where separated.

After 5 long years and B having more than 13 placements she is back with me. On the 21 we will celabrate our one year anniversy as a family! TPR with Bio's are finally taking place and we will be adopting B as she will be adopting us! B is thriving! We are thriving! Live is good!

Please know you are thought of often. You are in my prayers, and look at all the options. Keep us posted and best to you and your family,

[stevenstwin]

I think you may be on to something there, Fairth. I was just reading a book titled "Attachment in Adoption" by a therapist named Deborah something-or-other. Much to my suprise, she said that sibling groups often SHOULD be split. Conventional wisdom is to keep them together so that they don't suffer a further loss, but she said often their needs can not be properly addressed unless they are the ONLY special needs child in a family. She was even talking about situations with 2 parents and no other kids, and saying that a sibling group might be too much in many cases. Looking at Anne/Echobunny's situation - she has a total of 7 kids, 3 with special needs, and she's single-parenting for the most part! No wonder she's worn out, poor thing! I'm beginning to think that it might be best if sibling groups were split so that they could get more individualized attention, and ideally still have contact and visits.