[madfostermomma]

After 5 months of placement with our fost adopt sons- questions are still lurking whether adopting is right or not for both my husband and myself. Both boys age 4 & 3 have severe speech delays but the 3 yr old copes by using gestures and signs. The 4 yr old refuses- he thinks we should be able to understand him so he when we cant understand him , he throws a major attitude. Lately we have also had daily tantrums at school - he punched a teacher , spits at kids and refuses to listen. He is getting a neuro evaluation in two weeks since he was born addicted and his sibling has ADHD. We do have counseling but I feel like I lean on him constantly. They have been moved a few times so they are "cautious" with us. TPR keeps getting delayed( even though mom has not worked caseplan ) so I can make no promises to them long term as of yet.

We want to adopt them but he makes it very hard to get close and my DH and I know this is an uphill battle for years to come.

I dont want to see these guys moved again but on the other hand am not sure I'm up for the battles that lie ahead. Anyone else ever have doubts?

[stevenstwin]

that if you have to ask, you probably aren't ready? I know there are always ups and downs, and days when it seems tougher than others, but I think you should trust your instincts and take your doubts very seriously at this point. At least give it more time. This IS going to be an uphill battle for a very long time, and you can't take it on JUST because you care about the boys and don't want to see them disrupted again. You really have to be sure that it is right for YOU- you deserve that.

[coachmur]

In my experience with fostering kids I have come to realize that the tantrums and troubles often start when the child starts feeling comfortable at your home. I know it doesn't make sense but I think what happens is that they are becoming attatched to you and it is scaring them. Why? because they may have to leave again. Sounds like they have been moved from home to home and the more that happens the harder it is to get attached. My advice would be to be very rigid in your routines. we have a four year old foster daughter right now with many of those same issues. have you read anything on Reactive attatchment disorder? It would be great for you to understand what you are dealing with. I would recommend the book Building the bonds of attatchment, by Daniel A. Hughes. It helped me to understand why kids with RAD act like your older foster son, and it gives very good advice on how to react to them when they act out. Hopefully this helps.

As far as the question of whether you should pursue the adoption or not only you can make up your mind if you are prepared for the battles. I just want you to know there are no guarantees that you wouldn't have the same battles with bio children or maybe even some worse ones. Your fs is making it hard to get close because it scares him to get close. Please read that book and you will understand him much better. He probably isn't near as extreme as the case in the book but there is lots to learn about RAD. Hope this helps

coachmur

[Luvbeingmommy]

When my DD came to me at 3 years old, she had severe speech delays. She had obviously had numerous ear infections (most likely untreated) and could not hear what was being spoken to her therefore she only repeated the garbled words that she "heard". One trip to the ENT and he suggested tubes. She is now 6 and her speech is like any other 6 year old.
Hope this helps!

D