[swsoutherlands]

I don't often talk about how hard/painful/heartwrenching it is to not be able to have any more kids. Mostly because I get really tired of people trying to be helpful but who just don't understand. Yesterday I tried to communicate my sadness to my mother-in-law and she got MAD with me and told me I ought not to make a big deal about it. I was baffled and did a lot of self-talk trying to convince myself that her anger was HER responsibility and not my fault. I ended up bawling into my pot roast during dinner yesterday because of the sadness in my heart. All my friends are getting pregnant and having babies. I still haven't heard from my case worker and I'm desperate for another baby.

So, that's it. I'm tired and a bit numb right now so I don't have a lot to vent. Mostly I just feel safe here saying it hurts to be infertile because--even thought I know this isn't an infertility forum--I know I'm NOT the only one who carries a lot of hidden sorrow inside because I can't have babies and other mothers can (including birth moms who'd be better off having their tubes tied!).

Thanks for listening.

[momofmykids]

I've had ten miscarriages...I feel your pain.

Vent all you need to here...that's what we're here for.

[yanknrebel]

I have had 2 bio children, now 21 and 19. My husband and I (he had no children) tried for 10 years to have a child together. My kids were 4 and 6 when he and I got married. We tried and tried. We got married in 93. Finally in 96, on my 30th birthday, we found out that I had ben pregnat but had suffered a miscarriage. The next year I got pregnant again. This time we celebrated the news, until at 8 weeks I had to go to the OB and found out it was an ectopic. I went into surgery, found out there were TWINS, one in each tube which is very rare. I lost one tube and damage to the other. Ob not sure if I would ever get pregnant again. We then tried IVF shared. I harvested teh eggs (28 in all) and gave a couple who paid for my meds, half of my eggs. SHe got pregnant with twins, I did not. Then we had a private adoption that all we had left to do (after we had paid the atty's fees and were days away from the birth of the baby) was to wait on the birthdate. Well biomom changed her mind 2 weeks prior to birth. That baby ended up just where we knew he would. In foster care just like her other 5 children had done. We lost that child because we were in TN and he was in LA. Biomom had to be able to "visit". SO, as a fluke, we got into foster care knowing this baby would be taken away. That was in Oct 2001 wehn we were licensed. I had my sister get pregnat twice while I was going through all this. Friends and cousins geting pregnant. I HATED getting baby shower announcements. After awhile I would make up excuses not to go. 2 of my very dearest friends got pregnat and enither wanted to tell me because they knew the pain I was going through. I was luckier than most. I HAD 2 bio children, but that did not lessen the pain. I just KNEW that God would not put the desire to be a mom again, that was so strong in my heart if he did not intend on making me one again. ALl my family kept saying " Just wait. You'll be a grandma soon enough". I wanted to be MOMMY again, not just grandma.

Well the LORD finally said yes to my prayers (he hears all prayers, sometimes the answer is no and sometimes it is wait a while). Well we were blessed 4 months after we became licensed with a newborn beautifu lhealthy baby girl. It took us until she was 34 months to finally get the adoption done, but she was finally ours. Then we were blessed with a set of boy/girl twins at 5 months of age. They turned 2 in Feb. The bf surrendered, biomom was tpr'ed, but appealed. SO now we are awaiting the appeal and then hope to adopt. SO I got to become a mommy again, to not 1 but THREE children, one being hte set of twins, that I had so desperately always wanted. To put the icing on the cake, my daughter, who was recently married, just made me a GRANDMOTHER for the first time to a beautiful grandson Aidan Pryce. Who born at 29 weeks, is coming home TODAY!!!!

SO, while I know it is hard, you just have to keep praying and beleiving that it is going to happen to you. WHen you least expect it, it will happen.

Oh yeah, a month after we had gotten our first placement (who we did adopt) I had gotten pregnant again. It happend the same month we got her. Only it was another ectopic again, so they had to remove the other tube. I have no way of ever concieving again, but that is ok now.

Keep praying and it will come ture for you.

Mary

[shy_bear]

I also feel your pain. I have known all my life I would never be able to become pg. I still to this day get the pang in my heart. I don't think it will ever go away. Some days it still makes me cry; I will never get to experience the most natrual thing in the world. I do still feel though that being a mom was always my goal and I have fulfilled that. It does make me sad that I didn't get to feel them inside me, but I have so many more memories and things to look forward to.


As far as others, I don't think anyone who has not experienced infertility can truely understand. I don't think my mom or my sister get it all. My sister is due any day with her first baby, which is a whole story in itself.

I find comfort here in others who truely know how I feel!!

[mom2GRLC]

My life in the last 4 and a half years has been filled with 39 kids three of which I've been able to adopt and one we are in the process of adopting.

All the children in the world will not (can not) take away the pain that you speak of. I am so blessed to have been surrounded by so many wonderful kids/babies.....but my heart will ALWAYS long to become pregnant and have my child grow inside me.

I could never love a bio-baby more or less than my other wonderful adopted-children, but it's the actual experience that I long for more than anything!!!

I hope you get your baby soon.

[bjhv5]

I too feel your pain.I had 3 bio children by my ex remarried to a great man who had one dd that we had to fight to find(mom hid her so dh could not take her away,we now have custody) but we wanted a child together.I NEVER in a million years thought I would have trouble getting pg.Well after several probable miscarriages and 6 years of trying I got pg on dh's birthday went to get it confirmed and got hit by a drunk driver lost the baby and almost my life.

Well during this time from 95- 03 We were told 2 of my children were sick and would die before they turned 20.JJ and Hilly kept asking when were we going to have a baby and all I could tell them were we are trying.
Now in 2003 We lost our JJ days before we were to start IVF so we postponed it when we did do IVF I just knoew Iwould get pg well I did not we tried twice with no luck.
Well after 10 years of trying 5 confirmed miscarriages and working at an inner city hospital seeing how many babies were being taken into care( I worked on the maternity floor) we decided to go into fostering and felt as if GOD did want us to have more children ,maybe just not the way we thought!!
After the orientation we were wondering if it was the right thing to do.When we got home on the front steps was a package..When we opened it we cried,It was from the support group that were are involved in from the childrens disease in the box was a night light .It is a boy angel holding a butterfly and an ingraving from the memorial wall at the conference.We said it was JJ telling us it was okay because before he passed he would always talk about his room being the baby's room we could not figure it out.
Well now there are two little guys in that room one we are waiting on the TPR and the other we will find out in MAy if it is going to go to TPR.
Sorry to ramble all that to say this=
I too feel your pain no it is not the same as someone who has never been pg or had a child but that longing and hurt is still there,The fact your body let you down or failed you.It is very hard to deal with friends being pg and I do not go to baby showers anymore it is too hard.
I get told all the time by people "you should be happy with the children you have" or "dont you have enough to handle without adding to it with more kids" It makes me so mad when I hear that.
People just dont understand that feeling inside to hold that baby in your arms.
I will get off my soap box now Sorry so long!

[oldenough]

I, too, am infertile. I thought I made peace with it until last month we were invited to visit DP's brother and his family. They got pregnant last year when we were trying. If I had actually conceived, we would have had our babies around the same time.


I cried and cried because I didn't want to see our niece. I know it sounds horrible that I haven't seen her yet (she was born in November)--I know I could see her...it's just that it was sprung on me so suddenly--with no time to wrap my mind around it. I feel so bad because I'm avoiding this (we're not that close to her brother) but it's just what she represents to me. It's so hard for me to get over this especially when I know I need to.

I don't really have the desire to try again. I would if someone told me it would work-no problems-& I would have a healthy baby in 9 months. But, no one can say that and I'm happy to do foster care. It would just be so neat to look at my baby and see my eyes staring back at me.

I have always known I'd be a foster mother. It took a lot for me to finally get here. I was pretty wild in my younger days and knew that I would NOT be responsible enough to have a child, so I was kinda thankful I couldn't have kids. All my life I just "knew" my kids would be from the foster care system. I just happend to get a wild hair thinking I'd like to actually give birth to my own.

I don't believe that anyone who hasn't suffered from infertility can truly understand what it feels like. I felt defective and broken.

I feel your pain. I'm sorry your MIL was so mean to you about it. You're not alone and there are many here who understand just what it feels like.

[hubbyswife]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

All the children in the world will not (can not) take away the pain that you speak of. I am so blessed to have been surrounded by so many wonderful kids/babies.....but my heart will ALWAYS long to become pregnant and have my child grow inside me.

U know, I don't know what it is but I was very sad yesterday. I cannot have ANY biokids. Never!

My DH said something to me that just pizzed me off and made me sadder. I was telling him how sad I was and that my friend is PG. So, he tells me "I just realized something you'll never be able to love FD like she's your own!" That has nothing to do w my sad feelings. I love my FD so much and thank God for letting us adopt her. But it doesn't take away the sadness i have. I'm not always sad, I have my moments thru out the year. Probably when I'm ovulating, which I never know when that is b/c I have no period. Never have.

I realized then that even tho he tries hard to understand, he just doesn't get. Not sure where to go now. I feel alone and sad and just want to cry.


*He did take it back and said that's not what he really thinks. Still doesn't make it any less hurtful!

Edited: My MIL doesn't understand anything. Blood means everything... but somehow she does love FD and treats her like a lil princess, just hope that continues once her other son has a baby.

I'm in a bad mood & depressed.

[mj77]

(((hugs)))

I thought our day would never come that we would have a child. I prayed and prayed and I started not to feel worthy of being a mom. I was an emotional wreck. When we found out later about our infertility (after trying to adopt) it was another blow--though suspected. Yet for us, we'd begun the process so it was a bit easier. I didn't find many that understood. I don't think many knew how to support us. I had later learned there was only a few people that I knew I could confide in. This site was helpful when I longed for a second child--which I felt less worthy of since I had one baby.

It will happen. I found just writing to vent was very helpful for me.

Take care, MJ

[Ashbre]

I first started dating my hubby way back in the spring of '86 and have always wanted to have a child with him. Over the years, we would split up for sometimes up to a few years and then get back together only to repeat it again and again and again.

During the times we were apart, he had 2 children with the woman he started seeing after he left in late 86 and then I had two girls from my first marriage.

I’ve been trying to have a child with my hubby since we got together the last time (and later actually married this time) in late ’96. I went to the RE doctors who put me on clomid only to find out that like birth control, I can’t take it. Next step was planning on artificial insemination. It took a while to finally get it set up and what happens, my period didn’t show up for two months and I never miss a cycle, not before this and not after. By the time my ovulation came around, my hubby’s insurance company had changed and the new one wouldn’t pay for the procedure anymore. The only times I've been pg were with my two girls. They will be 16 and 17 this summer.

I've been diagnosed (if you can call it that) with secondary unexplained infertility and short of coming into a LOT of money to pay for procedures, there's no hope for us.

The heartache never seems to go away. I’ve watched so many people have babies that really had no business doing so – some of whom did have their babies taken away eventually and some who should have. It gets so maddening having to sit back and watch them screw up not only their own lives but their childrens' as well.

We don’t talk about it much anymore as it just got to be too painful. My girls even used to ask Santa for a baby brother or sister when they sat on his lap at Christmas time – those were the days that really tore me up. Now that I finally do baby showers again, I tend to overshop and spend too much but I just can’t help it.

I wouldn't hold a nephew when he was little, absolutely refused to do so which drove that sis-in-law nuts but I just couldn't do it. I can't even remember the last time I held a newborn - oh wait, it was probably about 6-7 years ago. I don't think I even held my stepgrandchildren when they were newborn and if I did, it was only long enough to pass them on to someone else.

I absolutely HATE being told "well, maybe its just not meant to be..." so started getting pretty sarcastic and ugly in my response - surprise, no one says that to me anymore - lol.

Anytime you want to chat, just let me know. Private messages are great for this!

Hugs!

Donna

[ALI143]

I've had to mourn my infertility (and revisit this issue) even when it was practically by choice.

Comforting Soft Hugs

[MBelt8402]

I want to thank you all for sharing. It's so hard sometimes, and its worse when you feel so alone. None of my friends can understand, And its so hard when they all seem to look at men and pop out healthy babies. I stopped going to baby showers years ago. I just send a gift, along with my regrets that I will not be able to attend. Somethimes I hate myself for envying them. Most of the time I am content in telling myself that this is Gods plan. I just get my children differently, but somedays I'm just so angry at God. Boy that must just sound horrible. Ok I'll stop now. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

[GingerR]

In some ways being a foster parent has helped, and in others, it's caused a lot of frustration, seeing first-hand how those who desire children can't have them and others treat their blessings like they're nothing.

My husband and I can't have any due to his infertility. For some reason, people always assume it's me who can't have children, and will sometimes even be brazen enough to ask, "Why can't you get pregnant?" when I tell them we're foster parents. Then I've had friends who know why we can't have children, and will STILL say things like, "I would gladly carry a baby for you!" Ugh, you know?

I just try to have a sense of humor about it and let it go, but yeah, there are "those days" of longing, even though I realize had it not been for our issues, we would never have our precious fd. And I can't bear to think of life without her.

Anyway, you're not alone! I think it's a longing that never completely disappears.

[swsoutherlands]

Yesterday I got test results for an MRI I had done on my hips and the radiologist wanted to make sure that I knew that I had cysts on my ovaries and fibroids on my uterus. The doctor's office asked if I knew about them. No, I didn't. It just becomes one more thing that blows out the dim hope of having another bio baby. Add these two to the endometriosis and sigh.... I'll be taking the MRI results back to my fertility doctor later this month to see if there's anything else she recommends besides IVF (which I don't want to do).

I told my husband it feels like my reproductive organs have leprosy or something. They feel more and more broken when I kept hoping that they were fine.