[echobunny89]

I am so flipping angry right now, I am seeing red! I allowed my 16 yr old foster daughter C and my 14 yr old bio daughter go out to the mall with C’s 17 yr old boyfriend and a couple of his friends all in the same age range. I have met these boys on a couple of previous occasions and my opinion was that they were nice kids. Fast forward to last night- I allowed C’s boyfriend to drive them to the mall, which is the local teen hangout, because it is right down the street from my home. At 10pm I get a call from my bio-daughter who is hysterical because C’s boyfriend drove off and left them at the mall without a ride home because the girls would not give “oral favors” to C’s boyfriend. Apparently, the boyfriend and one other boy decided that the girls needed to pay for the gas to drive them home and since they had no money they could give oral sex to the boys in exchange for a ride home. My fiancée just about lost it when he found this out and it was all I could do to prevent him from going and hunting down these boys. Needless to say we had a very LONG talk to the girls and we decided that they won’t be going off unsupervised outside of the house for a very long time. It is not that we don’t trust them, but we don’t trust their choices of “friends” as of late and these “friends” are all of C’s. I am afraid that she is becoming a very bad influence on my bio-daughter who has always had a good head on her shoulders. This is the second time that C has gone out and has been abandoned without a ride home and this is the second time that C has been put in a situation were she was told to “put out or get out”.



What really gets me is that I pulled C’s cell phone records on the computer today and she is still calling that boy! She called him several times last night after 11pm and called him at 7am after I made it clear to her that she was to have nothing to do with him! I also found out that she has been using the cell phone to call this boy at all hours of the night and talked from 1am -3am just this past Tuesday night! 35 hours total cell phone hours used past 10pm in the last 7 days alone! I am livid! I took her cell phone away and don’t know if she’ll be getting it back anytime soon.



I don’t know what I am going to do about all this I am very upset right now especially since I just spent over $5000 building a bedroom for C and her two sisters and all C can do is complain about the color of the walls and complain that she has to share a room with her two sisters. I don’t know. I mean this child has it much better here than she has had at the various group homes she has been in where she has had to share rooms with all kinds of kids- some not too nice. There is no appreciation. Oh, and her new thing is she is dropping out of school as soon as she turns 18. She was truant so much in the 9th grade that they made her repeat a grade and now she is a year behind and won’t graduate until she is 19. AAAAAggggggggg!

[DianeScraps]

ugg, I will say ( and seem to remember being the same) that teens just don't appreciate anything.

But I would also be very careful lettting a foster child ride with anyone who is not 'approved' by the state, I know we are not allowed to do it here in PA

[Lorraine123]

I agree with what Diane said about riding with unapproved people. But, I would also be careful about C spending time alone with your bio daughter. You don't know C's history and actions yet. You can never be too careful. She has been exposed to a lot more than your bio daughter. Just be cautious, thats all.

[lucyjoy]

I thought the girls handled the situation pretty well. My concern is if they feel punished(like not going away from you unsupervised)for calling you to help them out of a situation then next time, they may feel the need to keep the ride they have regardless of the cost. Do you know the boys parents? Can you call them and explain what the cost of gas money is? Guarantee if I got a call like that on my boys, I'd do something.

Of course, since the girl is still calling, doesn't sound like she's too mad about this. I would talk to her about her own self respect and the fact that she deserves to be treated better then that by any boy that wants to spend time with her.

And, being teens, there is always the possibility they made up the story and just needed a ride-hard to say.

[echobunny89]

I guess what I should have written was unsupervised outside of the house with people we don't know. They didn't make up the story just to get a ride home- C's boyfriend was supposed to drive the girls home. He picked them up from the house last night and I spoke to him about making sure the girls were home before 11pm.

[AmyAnne]

You may also want to take the cell phone after Bedtime and return it to her in the morning

[echobunny89]

AAARRRGGGG! Now she won't get out of bed because since I took her cell phone she "has no life". She wants to give her boyfriend a 2nd chance and I told her NO WAY! I called her to dinner and she refused to get up. Said that if I made her eat she would just throw it up.

[AmyAnne]

Echo...

Sounds like what you need most is a BIG HUG and someone to handle this mess while you take a hot bath or a shopping trip. I wish I could help, but know that I'm thinking of you.

[JoEvans]

WOW! Echo.. it must be a "teenage" thing or something. Cuz my daughter is acting up, not neccessarily in the same way, but she too has been talking to lots of guys on the phone, as well as the internet. She is making life miserable for her A-parents and as for herself.

Ever since our reunion, my daughter has been acting up and her A-parents are at their wits end. She was also held back in school. And at first, she was taking about going to college after she graduates, but now, all she talks about is being engaged, and after she graduates, she is planning on getting married and starting a family. She has even thought about taking the GED course just so she wont have to wait another year. In which, she had a difficult time with some of the subjects, so decided to wait and graduate.

Sometimes, I could kick myself for sending that birthday card that opened the "can of worms". But yet, I am thankful I had the chance to reunite with her after 14 years.

Why, oh why, do teens act the way they do?
LMAO.. I swear, I sound more and more like MY parents everyday. lol

BTW, , and best wishes.

Judy

[jackiesbooks]

Your 14year old bio daughter is probably much "younger" than your 16yr old foster daughter. 2 years does not sound like a lot, but between 14 and 16 teenagers mature a lot. Add that your 16 year may have been
allowed to do things(or seen) that your would not allow your daughter to do. It may not be a good idea to let hang out too much together.

[Kay-Ray1]

I have a question/comment...
Since she is a year behind in school will the state pay for summer classes to help her catch up? Maybe that way she will graduate before she is 18. I know here we have a night high school for kids that are failing or want to graduate early.

I agree on the self esteem problem too if she wants this guy back she has to have low self esteem...

I would also tell her if she wanted to change the color paint she could earn the money to buy the paint and paint the walls herself. Of course if you want them paint.

JMO-

[Guppy]

I also think that it was better to choose to get stranded then to "give a favor". So. Thats a big plus. The cellphone time - and her not having life now... that's hard. You have to come up with logical consequences (Love and Logic). if she doesn't want to eat dinner, that i think is fine... nothing will happen to her (if she's not anorectic).
Love and Logic parenting (lifesaver)

[lovemy6]

Just my 2 cents, take it or leave it, but she hasn't been with you very long. I know they're older kids, but in the beginning it might be helpful to treat them with attachment style parenting so they can bond with your family, before being allowed so much freedom and alone time. We kept our kids with us the first 6 months they were home (they were 11 and 12 at the time). We still spend a lot of time together. My teens are allowed to go to the mall with friends, but dh or I stay. We sit in the hall while they're in stores. We stay a "safe" distance behind them to give them time with their friends.

Also, I know it doesn't work for all families, but in ours, our rule is no riding with a driver under 18 and once our kids are 16, they can not have anyone else in the car until they're 18. It's a safety thing and reduces a lot of arguements.

[oldenough]

Please don't "kill" me for saying this, but:


I think that calling you for a ride instead of "giving favors" shows that she is capable of making good decisions. Granted, it's not good that she's willing to give her bf another chance, but it's not something you really have too much control over. She can see him at school, etc. If she wants to see this guy, she'll find a way. I think the best thing to do here is guide her to make even better decisions for herself in regards to what she's willing to do with her body and self esteem. The choice has to be hers. She will be the one to suffer the consiquences, unfortunetly.

I know you want to protect her, but there's only so much you can do.

If she doesn't want to have dinner, it's not going to kill her to skip a meal. She's mad at you. Let her be mad. She'll get over it. Taking her cell phone away won't stop her from talking to this boy either. If she doesn't "get" that she's not respecting herself by continuing on with this boy, nothing you say to her will cause her "get it" either. Chances are, she'll end it in her own time...or he will because she won't put out. I think she should make this decision for herself. I know she's only 16, but if she wants to bad enough, she'll find a way to be with him. Wouldn't you rather know about it than have her sneak behind your back?

As far as bio daughter goes...maybe you could talk to her and tell her that hanging out with C isn't such a good idea and that she should try making her own friends. By the way you talk about bio daughter, she seems to have a good head on her shoulders--and maybe she's just waiting for you to not let her go anymore?


HTH.

[Happy123]

Your story reminds me of when I let my worldly 14 year old foster daughter go to the mall with my fairly sheltered 14 year old daughter. Talk about a suprise when I turned the corner in my car towards the mall and saw them all next to a police car. Not long after that the foster daughter was transferred to a group home.
Does she have free night minutes? I sure hope so.
Good luck,
Happy123