[Luvbeingmommy]

I need some help coming up with questions to ask bmom. We have gone to TPR and now would be the time for a goodbye visit.
We aren't having the usual "goodbye" visit though. The boys (now 3 and 2 years old) haven't seen her in over a year and so they don't even know her and it would just be so much more confusing to say "Hi, I'm your mom, goodbye".
Anyway we are going to try to go to a McDonald's and let the boys play while bmom and I talk and I was told to write down all the questions that I need to ask at that time.
I do know that mom stated she has used Meth and Heroine for the past 6+ years. She has been in and out of jail for the past two years that the boys have lived with me. Her oldest daughter was with us for a while and said that bmom drank alot and did "drugs" I know I need to ask medical history etc.
CASA told me to make sure that I ask everything now. I know that I would forget something and later wish I knew.
Any suggestions would be great!
Darla

[sspete]

You certainly want to ask her about medical history. What about potential allergies? I would also ask her things about her that the children might enjoy knowing later. Her likes....dislikes just things about her in general. I know my bdaughter was certainly curious about who I was.

I hope your visit goes well....I know it will not be easy!!!

Staci

[leaabc123]

if they were with her as babies, see if there are any bay pictures or things that the kids can have. Offer to reimburse or make copies and send the original photos back (either through the worker or a PO box).

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

When we were asked what we wanted the CW to ask bio father of Bug, we really only had a couple since we had gotten all the medical info from the file.

"What do YOU want us to tell him about you when he is older? When he asks why you left, what would you like us to tell him?"

His answers were very sincere I gained a lot of respect for him. "I left because I knew my life was not a foundation for raising a child. I could not give him the things he deserves>"

[skygazer1016]

Originally Posted by Bug&Bearsmommy

When we were asked what we wanted the CW to ask bio father of Bug, we really only had a couple since we had gotten all the medical info from the file.

"What do YOU want us to tell him about you when he is older? When he asks why you left, what would you like us to tell him?"

His answers were very sincere I gained a lot of respect for him. "I left because I knew my life was not a foundation for raising a child. I could not give him the things he deserves>"

That's exactly what I was going to say- ask what the BMom wants the children to know about her in the future. Is there any funny little thing she'd like the kids to remember her by or something like that? Does she have any special momento she could give you to give to them when they are older?

Wow....I haven't even thought about that part of TPR...no matter how much they irritate you (the Birth parents) that still has to be a HIGHLY emotional time. Wow.

[Davidsmom17]

I'd bring a camera and ask her if you can take a picture of her and also of her with the kids. I am adopted and this would have been a wonderful gift for me to have had. I also agree that you should ask her what she likes, dislikes, things she liked about school, favorite music, talents, etc. I got to spend 2 days with my son's birthmom in the hospital after she gave birth and I learned a ton of info, that I can pass on to him.
Laurie

[wrekdiver]

Myabe what nationalities she is made up of...ya' know...irish, german, etc.
Also, maybe something about her childhood. Like where she grew up, what her parents did.
These are little questions that are way below the medical info., etc. but maybe some good, fun stuff for the kids to know. That way it's not all sterile, legal, and depressing info they have on her. (even though those things are important too.)

[Kate1129]

I plan to ask about the family. How many sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles. Along with family medical history and any other history about them. I also am going with the "what do you want them to know".

[mckenna]

silly things come up for me, like my son just lost his first tooth at the age of 4, i wish i knew when his bparents lost thier first tooth, or things you notice now about your kids and wonder if that came from bmom's side of the family. maybe get some of the last names of gps or mom's siblings just in case you would ever need to find them or if you kids want to find them when they are older. try to find out what mom took while pregnant. i am finding that increasingly difficult as my son gets older. i know she took drugs or alchol but i don't know what kinds or how much??

[LadyBugz]

I would think if you ask anything she doesn't readily know (like medical history) that you won't get an answer. Is there any way to forward some of your questions to her in advance so she knows to start thinking about these things and maybe asking some questions or collecting papers?

My suggestion for questions is about her family history. Does she remember any particularly fond traditions? Do they always name in a certain manner. How did she choose the kids' names? What did she call her grandparents? The predominant religious affiliations of the family. Those types of details. Also, any learning difficulties. Those wouldn't necessarily come up under medical info but would be good to ask about separately. If any of her relatives needed resource classes or gifted and talented. If any were dyslexic, etc. Glasses, braces, and so on.

Maybe just get a typical doctor's office form with all the checkmarks next to everything and go down the entire list!

And do you have a videocamera? She could record a message directly to the kids out of their earshot and/or you could just get a few frames of her and the kids together. Make sure, with video or camera either one, to have a good close-up of her face. That way future comparisons of nose structure and eye color and such will be easy to accomplish.

If she is OK with it, I would also suggest tape recording the entire thing. You can set it in the top of your purse so it isn't intimidating like an interrogation or something.

[Luvbeingmommy]

Thanks!

These have all been great suggestions. I have already purchased one of those little disposable cameras and leave it in the van, so if I forget the camcorder or the good camera I have that at least.
The "what would you like me to tell them" is great -- I hadn't thought of it that way.

If you think of any more let me know!
Darla

[oldenough]

I think you could also ask, "When the kids are old enough, do you want them to find you. If so, is there an address or phone number of someone who will always know where you are?"


In the past, I've moved around quite a bit. I always gave out my father's number to people I wanted to have future contact with. My dad is someone who would always know how to contact me.

Eventually, the kids might want to meet their Bmom, so knowing how to get in contact with her would come in handy.