[BrandyHagz]

Today was canceled appointment number two…but that’s not why I’m upset. I expect unexpected things to pop up and require the caseworkers attention.

Here is the issue.

She called me and said, “Is Jerrett violent?”

What!?

I said, “No, of course not – he reacts to situations in inappropriate ways sometimes, but that’s all part of his diagnosis, why do you ask?”

She said, “I talked to M today and he said Jerrett beats him up all the time.”

Ok…

M is taller than Jerrett – a former FC who has been adopted and he’s dealing with his own set of issues. Jerrett and M had a “run in” almost TWO years ago (M doesn’t even go to his school any more and Jerrett hasn’t even talked to him in almost a year!) and it was nothing more than name calling and kid stuff. I even took Jerrett to apologize to his mom, because that was the right thing to do.

Anyway, she gets kinda quiet and says, “We’ll have to look into this matter further.”

Ok…so we hang up and about 30 minutes later I call her back and I said, “S, listen, I don’t want this to hurt us…this frustrates me!” and I explained the “issue” M and Jerrett had and that it was a LONG time ago, and she said, “Well, I just can’t have a kid beating on the foster kids”

BEATING ON THE FOSTER KIDS!?!?!

My son is teased relentlessly at school because he is different. There are 7 boys in his 5th grade class…there have been 4 birthday parties in which EVERY boy in the class has been invited, but Jerrett…YES, when Jerrett gets to the breaking point, he loses control…it’s part of his “issues”.

In my opinion, the issues we’ve dealt with regarding Jerrett makes us FAR more prepared to deal with foster kids…more prepared than say, someone who has no experience with anything but a ‘normal’ kid.

Clearly, this boy has misrepresented the facts of the “run in” that Jerrett and he had almost TWO years ago – and this seems to be troubling our worker a great deal (OH MY GOD).

How can we reassure her that my son is NOT a violent person this other kid (who has been a party to the teasing and picking against my son) claims he is!

Can this 12 year old boy, who hasn’t had anything to do with my son in almost a year, keep us from being licensed!?

I am about to lose my flippin mind!

Please give me some advice!

[Tudu]

I am so sorry. That does seem a bit dramatic to say "beating on the foster kids".

[shy_bear]

I don't know your sons whole situation, but could you get some documentation from his teacher or other staff at the school saying he is not a violent child?

I am sorry you are having a tuff time!!!

[crick]

I second Shy bear's suggestion....

Unfortunately, the sw has to cover her butt and in light of all the nationwide abuse cases, they might be in "hyperbole", kwim? I'm not saying she's right, not at all. But sounds like she is going to need documentation to prove that Jerrett is not a violent kid.

I'd get 3 separate letters from adults who know him well that would state that Jerrett is not a violent child and that he would actually be more sensitive towards a foster child etc. Or whatever they want to say that shows the cw what she needs for her file.

[lakin11]

Wow Brandy,
I have no advice, but I think this is just stupid! What about what a foster child could "do" to your child? We are willing to take that risk when fostering. I mean granted, they aren't going to put a foster child in an abusive home, but kids are kids! What makes them think that b/c one time, your son had an issue w/ another boy that he's going to beat on the foster children! How did this story get to her anyway? If M is a child, how would he even know you and your family were attempting to foster? Is she going out there asking people about you? If so, I'd think there would be some confidentiality issues if they aren't your references.
I hope that such a stupid incident would not keep you from becoming foster parents! Good luck!
Shannon

[kllee4]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through with this. I also agree that she may be covering herself just in case this comes up later and she coul dbe responsible. What did M's mother think when it happened? Is there anyway that she would also notarize a statement? That may help if she did. I would also agree that signed statement from others would be helpful, especially if they are current and show that your son hasn't had any other major problems since then and has never been violent. If he had a history of violence, it would have been documented at least by the school, so I don't know why she would have to take his story. It could simply be a story of each child's opinion.

I know it's a pain in the butt to have to get more letters from people on your son's behalf but it might help in the long run. I also thought about getting the opinion of S's supervisor but, then again, this may not be in your best interest if she's over your case. Good luck and keep us posted. You're right, with your son having special needs, you guys should be perfect candidates for providing foster care.

[BrandyHagz]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I am just really frustrated over this - I understand the need to look into things, I do. What I don't understand is the lie...why this foster parent would allow her son to lie like this...unless she is one of those kinds of parents who believes EVERYTHING her child tells her, regardless of the truth.

I am going to make an appointment with our school's administrators today and ask her to write a letter - I hope they will

[BrandyHagz]

Well, I spoke to the principal, I explained my concerns, she offered to write a letter of support after she contacted the legal department for the district to make sure what she could and couldn't disclose.

That's good news.

I'm still very frustrated and I hope this will be enough!

[Shoshana]

Contacting the principal was a good idea, Brandy. I can understand why this is really annoying!

[ajjhmf]

Brandy,

I know this isn't quite the same, but during our homestudy, I had one of my references call into question my mental stability. I was so angry and hurt I couldn't see straight. What we ended up doing was an independent psych exam to determine my mental health status in regards to parenting. Actually, we did exactly what the court order birth parents to do when they are trying to get back their kids. It worked and once the cw had something saying I wasn't a mental risk, they were fine to approve me.

Anyway, is it possible that in addition to the letter from the school, you could also get letters from other experts on your son (doctors, therapists, etc). Maybe even ask the cw (or her supervisor if she isn't receptive) what you can do to prove that you son is not violent?

Just a thought.

Blessings,
Jenny

[Roon63]

first off, I recommend taking YOU out of the picture and your son.
Look at the SW response: she is protecting any child that is placed anywhere!! That is very important, as she cares! She wasn't very tactful in explaining...but truely, fosterkids coming in have been thru H Ell and back and placing them in a place with a doubt of safety(even if it is wrong doubt) is a important to know.
You are handleing this good, I too would seethe...but try to see that she (SW) is doing her job, and doing it right.
Good training for fostering, documentation, document all...as some of the lies in foster (both kids, parents, and sadly SW's) will totally confound you.
Brandy! You are going to be a great fostermomma, and your son is going to be an awesome fosterbrother!!! I believe this, and I have visions of him being an example to the foster kids that come to your home and heart.