[CANICE]

After reading many of the threads I came to terms with the fact that although I am a foster parent I am in a very different position then most of you. I did not seek this out.
I had gotten news through the family grape vine that a Niece of mine was having her children taken away and that they found a place within the family for her sons but not her 7 year old daughter. Even though they are family I was not close to them or new much about there lives.
I couldn't see this kid going to strangers so I said she could come here for what I was told would be around 3 months. It has now been almost 6. I doesn't look like her parents are doing what needs to be done to get her back so come the end of the summer I have a decision to make that I never, ever thought I would be making. I am not feeling a great bond yet to her and am very confused. Is there anyone else out there in a simular postion?

[Ians mom]

Canice

You said After reading many of the threads I came to terms with the fact that although I am a foster parent I am in a very different position then most of you. I did not seek this out.

Yes, you did seek it out. When you called the sw and got involved, that was a choice. Your niece is the one that had no choice in this situation.

Not to be rude but if you were not close to the children how was it better for her to be with you than with a stranger? If you are not bonding with this little girl then you should think about why she is with you? Would it be better for her to go to a family that wants a little girl?

We were in a similar situation 2 yrs ago when the daughter of my cousin was in foster care. We spoke to her sw, her therapist, her teacher and her fosterparents before we made the decision to take the placement. We thought we knew what we were in for, we were wrong (but that is another post). Did you do this or did you let your heart lead you into this situation without really thinking it through?

I am really not trying to be mean here, I just feel you should sit down and really think about how you would feel if she were in your home forever and how you would feel if you let her go to another adoptive placement.

The rule in our house is that if we cannot love the child, then this is not the place for them. Feeling a bond can take awhile, it was about a year before dd felt like "my daughter" Maybe some counseling for you two together could be helpful...

Cyber hugs for you

[Kate1129]

It's hard! Yes, but you have to decide what's best for this little girl.

I know for us, when we had a placement that was suppose to be short term, in my mind I kept myself from bonding. Playing it safe. It's a frame of mind for me.

Our current placement came to us with the intent to adopt. So I gave lock stock and barrel.

I'd take some time and evaluate your true heart. You may be surprised what's in there!

[Boulderbabe]

I think everyone---EVERYONE---deserves to be the light of somebody's life. If your little neice isn't the light of your life, please consider letting her go to a home where she will be the center of her parents' world.

There are a lot of options that would let you maintain contact with her, get to know her new family, and let you know that she is loved and happy.

She deserves to be the princess.

[skygazer1016]

My husband and I are in somewhat of a similar situation- we knew the family and when mom walked off (dad in prison) we took the 2 kids in. We've had them 5 months now and are going through the licensing process to become "official" foster parents.

I look at it that we may not have asked for it but apparently God felt we could do it and I'm not arguing with Him!

[CANICE]

First Of All I Didn't Call Anyone They Called Me And Said If I Didn't Take Her Then She Would Have To Go To Strangers. I Was Told It Would Be For 3 Months.
You Are Making Me Out To Be A Monster When I Took This Child Into My Home Assuming I Would Take Care Of Her For Around 3 Months And Then Her Parents Would Be Able To Resume Thier Roll As Parents.
So Are You Saying I Should Now Let Her Go To Another Family ????

[mckenna]

i would say if you are not 100% commited to parenting this child, and if you feel resentment towards her and or the situation you are in, you should consider letting her go to another family who is 100% committed to her and are praying right night to be parents.

[Ians mom]

What concerns me the most is that in another post you said you are kind to her but there is no love there. If she has been in your home for this long there should be some kind of a bond forming.

I understand that you took her in out of kindness but you need to think of her long term needs. If this is going to be a permanent situation, she deserves a family that will love her and be totally thrilled to have her.

I dont think you are a monster, I think you are doing the best you can in a bad situation. I do believe that growing up with a person that resents her being there is not in the best interest of the child.

Just my opinion

[TexasJingles]

This was my 1st thought yesterday when I read your post, and it still is today...

If you weren't close to the family, then you WERE a stranger to this girl. What would have been the difference? Blood doesn't really matter (something the child services needs to learn).

I'm sorry they lied to you (they've lied to all of us too). We know how it feels. Some have to come to terms that this isn't what they signed up for, and that sounds a lot like your situation.

To be honest, I think you're actually upset with her birthparents. They just aren't doing what they're supposed to do and keeping up their end of the bargain. Welcome to our world!

So, either vent your frustrations here and get on with loving her (as your neice or daughter, it's still love) or call them to find another home for this little girl. Either way, this little girl deserves to be loved by someone who can love her through the good times and bad.

[Kate1129]

I agree 10000% with TexasJingle!!!

[CANICE]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I feel terrible that I am not thrilled with the situation. It is hard because she is my brothers grandaughter. He and his wife are not in a place where they would be able to take care of her. How can I send my brothers grandchild into the foster system.

You all seem like you are caring foster parents.
I was a foster child once and not all are like you.

[dadfor2]

its odd, though i get exactly why canice took her nieces daughter in.

you dont have to know the 'family' but they are still family.

i actually am kinda taken back that we, as adoptive parents cannot understand this better then most.

if we dont, then we all need to educate ourselves on how some adoptive kids feel who do not their 'birth family', even though they are strangers.

how many of our kids will want to meet their 'birth family' who are complete strangers to them.

sorry guys, i think some are way off base here. you dont need to know all of your family too still feel a connection to them in someway.

now, on to the issue....i think as any person, when you heard three months, you knew that you cannot attach to this girl because she will be leaving in three months. YOu planned on it so you automatically had your guard up.

well, its been 6 months, and this is not what you signed up for and if you are feeling resentful, i can totally understand why you would. being her 'mother' which is a huge responsiblity and not one you wanted, but through the kindness of your heart, you would watch her.

but now things have changed. you need to start to really figuring out what you need to do for yourself and for the child.

my suggestion is get some counseling and try to sort through what you feel you need to do. i am hearing alot of guilt in your post because if you give her up to 'strangers' how would get through that.

i actually found your post very caring and you want to do whats best but you never had intended to be this little girls 'mom'.

i think if you decide you do want to keep her, you feelings might change, and you probably will start to attach to her, but at thiis point you havnt decided that so you are still on 'protect thyself' mood. There is nothing wrong with that, we all do that.

anyway, i just hope that for some of you, who have adopted, that if your child wants to search for their birthfamily you just dont tell them,..."there strangers, why would you want to do that"

[CANICE]

To Dad for 2

Your post brought me to tears. Finally someone understands what I am trying to say.
I was starting to feel that there must be something wrong with me.
I can't tell you how much your post has helped me.
Thank you!
Canice

[wish41more]

Candice, we've had our fs for 7 months now and we're JUST NOW starting to feel like we couldn't live without him. I can honestly say I truely do love him now. That was not the case even just a month or 2 ago. It takes time! Imagine if she were gone and was adopted by another family. You have to really think about that to try and get an idea of how you/she would feel if you let her go. It took me calling our sw and saying I wanted G moved before I realized I would be lost without him. This is not an easy but you need to put her best interest in mind.
good luck

[dadfor2]

i totally understand, though i havnt been in your shoes, i can do empathise with you.

you are in such a tough spot, and thats why i think maybe a professional can help you through some of your feelings.

either way, you need to do whats best for the child and for you and your family.

but i do know, that once you actually 'decide' to 'parent' the child 'forever', something internal happens as time goes on. (if that helps at all)

but you are clearly on the fence, and the fact that she is 'family', makes it even harder.

hang in their, pray on it, and see what happens.

You are NOT an AWFUL PERSON, which ever way you choose!!!!!!!!!!

your trying to do whats best....thats a caring person. hey, you could of thrown her out in three months if you wanted to. BUt you didnt...