[msdoie]

I hate when people say they don't want their children to go into the foster care system. A lot of us are dying for the opportunity to become parents because we are unable to have children on our own. We jave so much love to give to these precious children. We not only have to jump through hoops to try and get pregnant, we also have to jump through hoops to try to adopt. Most of us can't afford expensive medical treatments or regular adoptions so foster care is our only hope. We are good people who just want a family. If birth parents aren't able to provide a loving stable home, then why not send the child into a home that will love him or her unconditionally!

[LadyBugz]

Because foster care is not set up to provide kids for infertile couples. It is there to provide families for family-less kids. Its goal is to send the child home to its original family and only makes provisions otherwise when those attempts fail. And a person who is already a part of that child's family does not want to step aside and acknowledge that that child has no family when s/he is standing right there and is family.

The reality is that an average child in foster care is not going to have a perfectly wonderful life. It is going to be full of grief and loss, even in an ideal fost/adopt home. And many homes maintain a minimum standard, but are not ideal. Those on this board are by far and away more informed and/or dedicated than the average foster family. The reality is that a judge, a social worker, a guardian ad litem, a psychiatrist, a school administrator, etc will be making decisions for this child's future. That is not the ideal situation.

It is wonderful that we have that system in place because there is a definite need for it. (Unfortunately.) And we do have a responsibility as a society to protect the defenseless. So foster care might not be ideal, but it sure is a great thing for many, many kids who need it.

Surely you can understand how a person would be willing to take in a niece's child to avoid the child being "lost" to the system, though. As the family member, your priority is the assurance that THIS child will have the life YOU desire for her. Not that some great family somewhere has the child ideal for them.

I know this sounds rude and I don't intend it to be. But the bottom line is that when a family member steps up to avoid the child going into the system, it is about the needs of the child. And that is where the focus should be.

Originally Posted by msdoie

I hate when people say they don't want their children to go into the foster care system. A lot of us are dying for the opportunity to become parents because we are unable to have children on our own. We jave so much love to give to these precious children. We not only have to jump through hoops to try and get pregnant, we also have to jump through hoops to try to adopt. Most of us can't afford expensive medical treatments or regular adoptions so foster care is our only hope. We are good people who just want a family. If birth parents aren't able to provide a loving stable home, then why not send the child into a home that will love him or her unconditionally!

[dadfor2]

msdoe

i dont think anyone is bad mouthing foster homes, but i also think that EVERY child if at all possible should remain in the care of their birth family if possible.

please dont take offence, but i think foster care should be consideed the second choice when finding a home for a child that needs to leave due to neglect or abuse. the first place should be other birth family.

Most of us can't afford expensive medical treatments or regular adoptions so foster care is our only hope

im actually offended by this statement, children in the foster care system was actually our FIRST choice. i dont consider foster kids the last stop.

foster care kids arent their to make you a familiy, they have alot of losses in their life. If you are going to adopt through the foster care system, you need to have a different mind set on why you are going through the foster care system or it might not work.

you are not going to get a lovely little child, you are going to get a lovely ANGRY littl child.

I hate when people say they don't want their children to go into the foster care system.

i hate to see any child that has to go through the foster care system, no child should have to do that. the only way a child gets through the foster home because no one in their family can take care of them or even wants them.

i hate when people think that the only reason why we went through the foster care system because we couldnt have kids of our own....they are shocked that my DW really didnt want to give birth to a child because there were to many kids in that already needed homes.

my kids are not second best to anyone. im sorry you couldnt have a child of your own and im sorry you couldnt afford the medical treatments, and im sorry you couldnt afford private adoption and im sorry you have to settle for a foster kid.....

im sorry, you offended me and my family.

[Lorraine123]

msdoie,

Your post was quite offensive to any of us who have adopted through the foster care system.

Other people do not "owe" you a child. You must realize that your "gain" is a child's loss.

I hope that you will do more research on the issues that the child will have when coming into your home. They will not be grateful to you, instead they will blame you for taking them away from their birth families. They will not be happy for the new family they are given, instead they will grieve their old family, no matter how abusive or neglectful it was.

Your post sounds like foster care is a last resort for you. I certainly hope you do not adopt a child with this mindset. For me and my husband, foster care was a first resort. I don't know if we could have children together biologically, but I assume we could. However, we felt that we could provide a home for a special needs child. And thats what we did. I can tell you without reservation, if we went into this thinking this child would love us and be grateful to us, it would not have worked.

Please research the issues of foster care children prior to bringing them into your home. Their purpose is not to provide you with a family. They have been hurt too much to fulfill that role.

Editted to add - I didn't read Dad's post until I posted mine. We repeated much of the same information.

Also sorry to take this off-track.

[hotspice58]

For the record: I got a call about a 6yo boy. Mom stopped taking her meds and was hospitalized and stepdad was an SOB. It was supposed to be short-term as there was a "grandmother" who was going to take him. Long story short, she wasn't his biological grandparent (he had different fathers) and she lived in another county. I kept him for almost years. When my house was re-certified, the cw said to plan on a minimum of 9 months, as the parents have to take classes and there are usually waiting lists. That said, the girl deserves to be with a family who can bond with her. If that doesn't happen, she'll most likely end up in a gang, able to shoot and kill because she had no love coming up or pregnant at 15, 16 and down the road. Family counseling may help as it may help you figure out why you can't bond. Is it possible you're acting the way your foster parents acted?

[dadfor2]

i really dont think its unsual that it takes people longer then 6 months to bond and love.

ido believe for some it was 'first site' but for others, it just doesnt work that way.

did yuou fall in love and marry your DH/DW in one month, 3 months, 6 months?

how long did it take? it is different for everyone. there are no right or wrong here.

but for some 6 months, really isnt a long time to bond and attach especially when you are not suppose to...and the plan was that you dont.

alot are saying that she needs to move the child to a better family that will love her and attach her, but its only been 6 months.

i have met some adoptive parents who actually adopted and did not attach to their child for a long time, they just acted as if.....doesnt make them bad people, or make the child feel less loved. It just means it took a little longer.

i think canice is on the right track, shes talking about how she feels, shes confused in what direction to go....and i do feel she has feelings for this child, othewise she wouldnt be on here looking for some support.

its a hard decision she has to make and i would hate to be in her shoes right now. but she is not abusing this child, this child is not going to end up in a gang or shoot and kill people...

If that doesn't happen, she'll most likely end up in a gang, able to shoot and kill because she had no love coming up or pregnant at 15, 16 and down the road.

I think you have been watching too many law and order episodes

there are many children in the system who dont join gangs, shoot and kill people and are pregnant as a teen...actually, i will say that most likely they wont do those things....

not sure where you got that idea that 'most likely'

i dont think we need to analyze so much, the plan was for her NOT to attach and bond, because she was only going to have her three months....

i find it very 'normal' for any of us, as we have built in protectors.

the question is, does she want to become this childs 'mom'....if the parents cant get their act together. And that is a major decision......

i think some people are reading way too much into this..

maybe its me, maybe im reading to little into it, but thats what i see is the issue.

[ajrl]

Canice:


I can understand your situation. First it's great that you took on this task to care for a family member. It is hard and the aact of giving oneself to another has to be felt on both parties in order for both of you to bond. I am a foster mom, birth mom and soon to be an adoptive mom. At the same time I got my Foster kids my brother and sil took a relative of hers to foster. These kids have so much emotional baggage and problems that it takes a long time to bond. Dont be discouraged. It took my fd 6 months to finally come around to calling me Mom. She knows I am not her MOM but I am here for her in every way. I am like her mom. She refers to me as her Mom and her MOM as her REAL MOM. Since most of these children come from abusive homes or neglected homes we just have to do our best to love them for what they are and what they can give to us. IN AS MUCH as what we can give to them. A great home, no worries, love and trust. Once that is established then everyone bonds. I know that the CW is probably steering you now towards the time then TPR is emminent, you should now just sit back and look at the bigger picture. Can you eventually love this child as much as if it was your own for LIFE!!! If the answer is yes, then you are moving towards your bond w/ her. If you are not certain then you have the right to say no. Dont feel pressured, take your time. Dont forget that the CW's job is to find someone/anyone for this child and they will do and say anything to get you to do their bidding. You have to feel comfortable with your lifelong "NEW DREAM!!!" if this is what you want for this child. No one here should put you down or question your feelings. You are asking us for our opinions and in our own ways we are giving it to you. Just look at what is in your heart and what is best.

AJ

[happyinhazard]

Originally Posted by CANICE

To Dad for 2

Your post brought me to tears. Finally someone understands what I am trying to say.
I was starting to feel that there must be something wrong with me.
I can't tell you how much your post has helped me.
Thank you!
Canice

Canice,
I understand too. I have two neices and two nephews in another state who I fostered for eleven months when they first went into the system five years ago. Due to circumstances beyond my control, they were removed from my home and placed with another aunt (my sister) where they could be closer to their birth mother (another sister of mine) while she was trying to get her life on track.

Meanwhile, I moved out of state and re-married. About 18 months ago, we get a call to foster/adopt these children because they were removed from the sister and place in foster care. We have jumped through all the hoops, been lied to by numerous social workers, etc. putting an addition on our house to have enough room for all four children....the list goes on and on...

At the beginning of March, we are placed with a short term 14 year old boy who is to be adopted by a family who are finishing up their paperwork to become foster parents......while dealing with him, his issues, doctor visits, therapy visits, dental visits, etc....I have come to realize that I am not willing nor able to adequately care for FOUR more children under the age of 11 !!

That was a heartbreaking realization to come to but I believe it is the best thing for my neices and nephews.....after talking with their social worker AND therapist, the plan is now for us to foster/adopt the oldest nephew (he remembers me and wants to live with us) the next oldest neice will stay where she is to continue with her medical care she needs from a birth defect (she has the most wonderful doctor and I really think she needs to stay near him) and the two youngest children will be adopted by the foster parents who are wanting to adopt them, have cared for them for the past year and a half added to the fact that they do NOT remember me and I would be a total stranger to them!

Sorry so long but I had to get all this out.....I just understand how you feel. You are not a horrible person.

[shycar]

Canice-no you are not a horrible person. You are honest and a caring person. It is hard to bond to an older child and it does take time. Sometimes though no matter how much time passes you are unable to bond with a child. It does not matter if its family or a stranger. I right now have two girl in my home that are legally free for adoption. They have been with us for 6 months and my hubby and I had to make the decision not to adopt them. My hubby is having problems with bonding with them. He cares for them, but does not feel that father and child loves twords them. I also have a hard time with the youngest. I can not picture being a mother to the youngest. So we talked it over and it was not fair to keep these girls from a family that can love these girls like their own. So we made the decicion that is best for the girls and us. We decided to let them go. I think being honest is better then keeping it inside. If with time you can not bond with this child then maybe yes its better to let her go to a family that has been waiting to have a child. It does not make you a horrible person. Actually the opposite, you cared so much that you decided to let go for the childs sake.

I think thats what Msdoie meant. I think a lot of time family take children in becouse one they feel they have to becouse they are family and two becouse they think its only for a little while. Let me tell you these children are not easy to care for. And if a your not strong enough it can tear you up and your family. I think Msdoie is saying that family members need to be honest with themselves in taking children from family member. Can they honestly care for this child or would the child be better with another loving family. This is what happened to my fs. His b-grandmother and aunt wanted to take him sooo bad. They love him sooo much. But deep down they knew he was better off with us. They knew they could not give him what we could. They knew that he would suffer more seeing a father coming and going out of his life like his older brother was. Not knowing when daddy would come back to see him again. So they decided to let us adopt him. They decided that it was better for him to grow up with a mommmy and daddy that loved him very much. I admire them so much, becouse that was a hard decision for them, but they put him first. Sometimes family is not what is best for the child.

I know canice that you have to make a very hard decision. I always think about what if my nephews would end up in the system would I take them in. Could I raise them as my own and not resent them being in my home everytime they misbehaved ( let me tell you two of my nephews are very violent). Its a tough decision. I admire you taking this little one in your home. For giving up some of your life for this little one.

Good luck
Shycar

[Hadley2]

Canice, we are in almost exactly the same position--fostering a young niece. In our case, we knew it would probably be a forever thing.

You have done and are doing a WONDERFUL thing. Don't let anyone suggest otherwise. You have honored this child's right to her family and met her psychological and emotional need to know that she can depend on her own family, the people who are supposed to care the most and take first responsibility for her, to take care of her. Again, the CHILD'S right to her family; the CHILD's psychological and emotional need for family to meet her most basic needs with love and support.

Family is a verb as well as a noun. Little ones grow into big ones who know what family is supposed to mean. Little ones grow into big ones who either have the comfort of this knowledge--my family was there for me when I needed it--or don't. Having it is a profoundly positive gift for a child.

Yes, you have a lot to sort out now. It isn't easy. It is natural and probably healthy to be detach somewhat with love while a case is still open. It is natural to bond differently at different rates in different ways with different children.

Please don't let the anti-family lobby here discourage you or impeach and disparage your good intentions. They are here, I know, I ran into them too awhile back. Look to the positive posts and into your heart for the answers you need. They'll be there. Feel free to pm me with specific questions.

[shycar]

Hadley2--Im am offended by the "anti-family" comment. I am not anti-family. I do believe a child is better off with family. But I have been a foster parent for years now and I have seen many cases where a child is handed to family. The family member takes the child out of guilt and is truelly not ready to raise this child. What happens is that they realize they can not handle it and ask sw to find another home. A lot of times this child was in a good home with a family willing to adopt. Now instead the child is again being moved around. Or I have seen where a child is moved around between family members back and forth. I do not think that is healthy for a child.

I just ask for family members to be sure the reason why they are doing this. Is it becouse out of guilt or truely out of love. If it is out of guilt in most cases it does not work. I have seen family resenting a child they had to raise and Im sorry but that is not what is best for the child.

I think what canice is doing is wonderful. Its not easy to take in other peoples children, especially ones with issues. But if she is going to resent raising this child then maybe its better for someone else to do it. Some one who will love this child and not resent them. Believe me this child will know if aunty resent her.

I will be having an open adoption. He will and does know who is his b-family. I truelly believe that it is very improtant him. He will know how much they loved him. They loved him soo much that they let him go so he can have a good life. Yes they felt guilt, but they put him first. They told me these exact words "we want him raised out of love not out of guilt". Yes he MIGHT grow up with issues on family, but if a child is raised with family that resents them then they WILL have issues on family.

I just want canice and other family members out there to really think why they are taking in a child that belongs to another family member. To be honest with themselves. I think that is something fair to ask . Fair to themselves and to the child.

[Hadley2]

shycar--I'm sorry you took my post appearing after yours as a direct reply. The anti-family comment was not aimed at you. Some of the early posts, as Dadfor2 acknowledged, seemed to be heading toward discounting the family connection altogether ("blood doesn't matter") and putting Canice down for her good intentions.

Perhaps I am sensitive because I have seen some amazingly disparaging remarks on these forums about relatives who want to foster or adopt. My concern was that Canice feel free to think through her thoughts and feelings--the same mixed bag of thoughts and feelings many/most foster parents have when faced with the same decision--without the confusion of having her original good act questioned and condemned.

As a general aside for the whole discussion (that is, not you in particular), I think it is more accurate to say that most relatives are acting out of a sense of family love and personal/social responsibility, not "shame" and "guilt."

[Kay-Ray1]

My stepmother took in her two neices for the same reason, they were family. Well they didn't really have enough room or money to take the girls. My dad didn't want them but felt obligated to my stepmom to take them. I hate to say it but he was down right mean to the two little girls ages 3 and 4. I called DFAC and told them what all was going on and nothing was done. My stepmom finnally called them and told them to come get them.
Now they are with a foster family and are doing so great. It's not even like the same two kids. They are so loved and have so much more confidence.
I agree that you should do what is best for the little girl.

[TexasJingles]

What "I" meant (because it is my remark some are quoting), by blood not mattering is:

A child knows when the people they are living with care for them or not. They know when it's a babysitting service or real care. It does not matter at that point if the people providing basic care are blood related or not.

What matters is who is going to shower this child with love? That's the point I was "trying" to make about the system. Most times they put "blood" before "love" no matter what.

Trust me, kids know the difference. They know when someone really cares (kind of goes in the face of that "fake it until you make it" phrase), especially one 7 yrs old. (sorry Dadfor2, I disagree with you on this point... there is a HUGE difference between someone trying to attach and someone just visiting as a babysitter).

I've read some of Candice's posts on other threads...I don't know if there really are feelings for this child. I don't know if she really is trying to attach. But that's not why I was so blunt in my 1st post.

I resented the "I'm better than you" because "I didn't ask for this" statement. Perhaps Candice didn't mean this, but that's how I read it, how I felt it.

Candice... about all I can do is pray that you'll find peace in your heart for whatever you decide. I can tell you from personal experience... the girl already knows your delima.

[CANICE]

I AM BETTER THEN YOU BECAUSE I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS??
Where on earth are you getting that from.
My "I didn't ask for this" heading" was just stating that I didn't plan on becoming a foster parent. I thought I was helping out a family member for a few months.
Maybe you should think before you type. I have been in foster care as a child. I am sure I know 100% more then you what these children are going through.
You need to get off your high horse. Either that or get the chip off your shoulder.