[Jensboys]

I have debated posting this because I dont want to be attacked and really, to be honest, its quite embarrassing!!! But I figure I can't be the only one this has happened to.

I have fostered two infant babies full time before, 6+ years ago and never had this issue. This baby I am RESPITE for her grandma and have her a day here and there (maybe 25% of the time). I adore her, love her to bits BUT I LOGICALLy know she is not "mine". She is NOT a preadoptive placement, we were NOT looking to either foster or adopt - it just happened, and we are helping out her grandma. I dont feel entitled to parent her, and although all things being equal I know I could certainly "BE" a mother to her, I know (at least logically) I am NOT.

The problem is when she is with me I have a STRONG physical reaction to her. I havent breast fed in 5 years and yet when she is with me I feel perpetually in a state of "let down". If you have breastfed you know what I mean - that painful, achy feeling of NEEDING to feed your baby. I hate it! It hurts! And obviously I am not breastfeeding her. Within an hour of her going home it stops, and I feel physically "normal" again.

I dont know why this is happening - but I have had some possible thoughts ... she looks EXACTLY how I pictured my "biological daughters" for all those years BEFORE having my blond - blue eyed biological boys. Could it be a unconscious psychological reaction to those "dreams" of parenting a daughter, that I thought I had let go to? Is it because she is happiest being held in "that" position while she sleeps?

Or am I losing my mind and should immediately quit fostering?

[Shoshana]

" Could it be a unconscious psychological reaction to those "dreams" of parenting a daughter, that I thought I had let go to? "

Jen -- I should admit that I've certainly never had this experience and cannot begin to imagine what it even feels like!

However, you know that I am far from adverse to resorting to psychological interpretations but in this case, I just can get there. I'd say that instead of an unconscious psychological reaction it is an inescapable biological response!

Chuckle chuckle (oops, didn't mean to sound unsympathetic!) Good luck. Perhaps you should foster MORE so you habituate to the intensity of the emotional/biological reactions!

[echaos]

Hey Jen,

I've never breast fed, so I don't know the feeling, but I get it too! And I'm not fostering! I get it any time I'm around a crying newborn....even if it's just hearing them on TV!!

I live in fear of actually leaking and having to explain it to people I just try to avoid the situation, or walk away if I have to.

I chalk it up to hormones. You're not crazy. You're body is saying... hmmmm here's a newborn, I better get ready to care for it.

[Shoshana]

REALLY, Andy, you too? What's wrong me me??? Hey Jen, can I help you take care of the little one? Nah, if I didn't experience this with Xiomara, I can't imagine I'll ever have the, ah, pleasure!

[Jensboys]

I guess thats the part that bothers me - MY BODY reacts to her. I can control my mind to a certain extent, and I am desperately trying to control my emotional investment in her (for my own sanity) but the uncontrollable physical reaction is HARD to take!!! My body is reacting to her like she is MINE LOL and I want it to S-T-O-P!!!

[Shoshana]

I see the dilemma. It must be disconcerting to know how hard you're working to be emotionally reasonable and to have your body provide obvious contradictory information. Humans ARE biologically programmed to care for the young. I think what you're experiencing is as old as our species. Perhaps with intensive biofeedback and relaxation therapy you could learn to control it but by then she'll be two!

[Jensboys]

LOL Well I am going to break out the ice packs. That will be quicker! Gotta figure out how I am going to explain that to the NINE pre teen boys I have around here all week

Now that Andy mentions it, I have had that "twinge" before when around other newborns - that confusing reaction to a crying baby that my BODY knows how to comfort. THANK GODNESS I AM NOT LEAKING -- if FEELS like I could but obviously I am not producing any milk. OH MY!!! I dont even want to GO there!!!!

I guess because this is a much longer exposure than just hanging out with a baby and when she is here I am "mothering" her my body goes into overdrive. Crazy thing is, I did not enjoy breastfeeding when I did it - its not like its tied to a plethora of happy memories but apparently my body thinks thats what its supposed to do.

Thinking I will trade it in for a less responsive model

[ally123]

but never admitted to anyone until now!!!

We got our first placement in August and he was only 2 weeks old. (we still have him and are waiting for tpr hearing at the end of april) but when we first got him we definitly thought RU was going to happen. When I was feeding him I would have that same feeling and thought I was going crazy. It was weird. Its not like a had a huge desire to nurse- I just had weird physical reactions like you mentioned. HOpefully it doesn't mean that we are both crazy!!!

[Jensboys]

LOL well if they commit us, at least we will be together (with our sore boobs! )

Jen

[Lorraine123]

Jen,

Breast feeding isn't a conscious thought (to let down your milk). Your body does it for you. And I also get that feeling whenever I hear a baby cry. Our bodies are made to do that and we can't stop it any more than we can stop digesting our food or circulating our blood. It means you are a mom.

[lambeausam]

Jen,

You have a mother's body. A friend and I were walking in the mall one day. She was still breastfeeding her child, but the child wasn't with us. We encountered a mother with a child that was crying. After a few minutes of hearing the child, she encountered let down. I can't imagine that this is much different that what you are feeling. You are a nuturing person and your body, unfortunately, just wants to help you be nuturing!

Sam

[Kate1129]

I've never breastdfed, but the way you explain the feeling, I've had it. It's very uncomfortable, but it's a natural thing.

I just don't tell people

[bjhv5]

When we got S I too had the same tingle and had breastfed my 3 bio children.I thought I was crazy.I told my dh and he said it was because I wanted a baby so bad that my mind made it happen what ever! I have done ALOT of research on breastfeeding adopted children and have everything I need should we ever get a straight adoption newborn and the fact I had this reaction shows me that my body would work for this!!!

So NO you are not crazy you are a mom palin and simple!!

[Jensboys]

Thanks guys I feel better now. I wish it would stop because it IS harder to be rational about caring for this precious baby when my body is reacting in such a strong way to her. I really thought I was going nuts and havent mentioned this to ANYONE in my "real life"
Jen

[Shoshana]

That's why WE'RE here, Jen!