[wlbjp]

I'm not providing a lot of details - I want to keep this short.

We've had our foster daughter (relative) for 2.5 years. The adoption hearing is in a month. She has thrived in our care, is verbal, bright, happy. Having her has also been an enormous burden on our family and marriage, which is about to fail.

We are told constantly what a blessing we must know we have. We smile and nod. We treat her lovingly, and know she feels loved. But now, after 16 years of marriage, knowing it may end soon (not by my choice) I question whether we should go through with it.

My husband says we can't go back now. In one respect, I agree. But I am wondering how badly scarred she would be if, at the age of 4, she were to go to other parents who truly wanted her. What an incredibly horrible/selfish question, I know. I just don't envision a future of us all being happy together.

[kikibrando]

If you feel this way, I strongly urge you to speak to your social worker and perhaps a counselor about his. If this isn't something you feel is good for your family, then it could end up sadly for all.

It's not healthy, but with proper superivision and transitioning, your daughter will probably bond with another family. However, I think it would be beneficial for you to remain in her life in some way.

[ALI143]

I don't think it's selfish; I think it's honest. And I think she'll be able to benefit from you helping her transition to her forever family. There is a family that truly will love her and want her so much so please don't worry about that when you make your final decision about her future. You've provided a loving home for her and given her a great start that was a blessing. Best wishes,

[AwaitingBeloved]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry your family and marriage are in danger. (((hugs)))

[texastanya]

Just wanted to say I agree with ALI143. I do not think it's a horrible/selfish question to ask. I think it would be best to save/work on the marriage before moving forward with an adoption.
Best to you - may you find peace and joy.

[8isenuff]

In a situation myself with several questions the same. Eight is the number of children. 4 of my own and 4 foster children all with the same mom. I guess the only thing that keeps me going is remembering that you only get 1 chance at childhood. There are no do-overs. Perhaps a little marriage counseling and some alone time (ie a vacation) will help. No guarentees, but at least if you have to make the hard choice, there will be no regrets that you didn't try everything.

[mj77]

Originally Posted by 8isenuff

I guess the only thing that keeps me going is remembering that you only get 1 chance at childhood. There are no do-overs. Perhaps a little marriage counseling and some alone time (ie a vacation) will help. No guarentees, but at least if you have to make the hard choice, there will be no regrets that you didn't try everything.

I agree.

To the wlbjp, I understand what you are saying and too appreciate your honesty. I worry for this little girl. Your vows though are to your husband though. You need to work on your marrige. I hope that you can do this without moving this little girl to a different home which can be devistating. Do you really think it will help your marrige? I guess that's the question I'd ask myself. It would be sad if this little girl left and you and your dh had stress over her leaving and things didn't iron out between you all. I'm sorry for your tough situation. I really do prayerfully wish you and your whole family the best.

[kaylasmom]

I am so sorry for your situation. No questions asked honestly are bad or selfish. If you really think that having this child will harm your family, and if you have kids of your own, protecting your childrens home and keeping it intact is more important then anything else.
I have said for the last 2 years of doing foster care that if it ever started hurting MY kids, I would stop.
Your own children(if you have any) are the most important ppl in your life.

My advise is the same as you have already read, talk to your sw, maybe a counsler before you finalize anything.

good luck, and I will pray for you, your marrage and that God helps you solve this problem.

[WhoKnew]

I am no therapist, but I am wondering if you both feel resentment because this was not your choice. I am assuming you felt obligated to take her because she is a bio relative. I know someone in the same situation, and it has been tough on the parents.

I do think counseling might help you sort out feelings of resentment, guilt, and/or other feelings. Maybe if you are able to see that you do have a choice, and feel that you ARE choosing her, it might help to not only accept the situation but embrace it. I am not suggesting you 'tough it out'. Just try to really understand you feelings and DH before you make a final decision one way or the other.