[roomformore]

I wondered what I should take in to the visits with the kids parents? I have only met them once and birthmom was really rude to me. The office people I guess told the kids worker and she confronted the mom with it. Of course she denied it. I gave the parents the diaper bag for the kids so she would have diapers/wipes/snacks for the visit. I later asked the worker if their mom should be providing this stuff. The worker said "no" why should they have to buy diapers when they will only use a few. Kinda burns me. I mean if their mom bought a pack of diapers then it would last her for lots of visits. The 2 1/2 year old came unpotty trained and I am trying to train her. And would it kill the mom to bring a snack or even a small toy or something for them? A picture.....anything. Does everyone else provide everything for the kids visit? And how do you deal with rude birthparents??? I was very kind and nice but afterwards it kinda galled me. I mean I would be nice to whoever was taking care of my children. Duh!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I provided everything. I assume that is the norm because I did for both boys. Their birth parents never brought a thing. Later, after forming a rapport of sorts with them I sent pictures and letters too. It kind of helped to personalize myself to the parent so that they realized that I was not the bad guy...just talking care of and loving the child.

[ALI143]

I always expect that the parents would bring their own items but they never do and they expect me to do it. So I do and don't give it a second thought. No one (fingers crossed) has ever been rude to me. I wouldn't totally blame them though (having kids taken and not feeling like it was justified would be hard to handle), but would wonder if they think that's the best way to treat the person caring for their kids.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

That is why we have never attended a single court hearing, or meeting with the CW. We try to separate ourselves from the "state"...allowing them to be the bad guys. "It is my job to be the bad guy" one CW told me. By sending the pictures and little notes they realize that you are not a threat and that regardless of their choices, there is one common thread...you both love this child. The results are amazing. With Bug's sister Bmom threatened to kill them, etc. With Bug, when he was 2 months old she sent ME a note in the diaper bag. Asked me to adopt him then was gone...the last time she ever saw him. I think it is natural to hate foster parents, but there is nothing I wouldn't do to make things easier in the end. With most of these parents they are so strung out and feeling so terrible about themselves that they really treasure the small things. Don't get me wrong...it took a VERY strong will to become the bigger person when all you want to do is slap the crud out of them for bringing their children into this mess!

[mckenna]

i usually use as a rule of thumb if they are still at the supervised one hour stage, i send everything they would need. if they are at the unsupervised stage, i don't send anything. for me, at that point they are showing progress in getting thier children back and if the state feels they are responsible enough to be unsupervised with thier children, they should be responsible enough to take care of all thier needs.

[roomformore]

I dont mind providing the stuff because I take the diaper bag with me everywhere anyways but it just seems presumptious on the parents part. It just seems like they should be showing that they are trying to still provide/care for their children. Its like they show up to the visit with no forethought. And its like "oh, when can we work a visit into our busy schedule"? And it just really burned me when their mom was so rude to me. I dread seeing her next visit. I mean I understand her upset but it is not my fault they are in care. These parents had six months to get their act together before the kids were taken and they did not comply. So why blame me? I am doing my best to care for these two toddlers and make them part of our family for now. They are so good. How best to deal with hostile mom?

[wrekdiver]

Originally Posted by roomformore

How best to deal with hostile mom?

The best thing to do is let it flow off you like water off a ducks back I try to go the extra mile to seem as non-threatening as possible. I try to just treat them like anyone else who is rude to me. If she says something nasty but isn't directly speaking to me, more like she is just saying it to the whole room, then I just ignore the comment all together. But if she is looking directly at me and being nasty, then I put on a sympthatic face and mostly just nod.
If I'm in a good mood, I then I think about how difficult this must be for her and how she must not have very good way of dealing with anger if she is blaming her inability to get-it-together on me.
If I'm in a not so good mood, then when we leave, I just smile and think how she can say anything she wants because I have her children and cw thinks I'm a good parent.
So, is she just being nasty in general or is she commenting on something specific?

[hubbyswife]

We've only had 1 visit w my other FD we had. Being new at the time, we didn't know what to take, I think we gave the SW the diaper bag. But bmom brought her own diaper bag and things. The baby had been taken a couple of days before.

In the future, I would have a separate diaper bag for the bparents to use that just had a diaper and wipees in it and probably a bottle or sippy cup.

As far as dealing w hostile parents, we haven't had to deal w that b/c CYFD keeps us confidential and such, BUT we have court soon, so let's see if bparents show up. They haven't had any visits (nothing) w FD and it's been 10 months but they did show up for previous court hearings.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

The other thing I always did was have my own diaper bag and one that was sent for visits. Initially I put everything in there, then would replenish whatever diapers or formula might have been used. It also made it easy because I knew that the times that she would no-show for a visit, it was still good to go next time.

[standup]

After we had numerous items broken or missing after the visits, we stopped bringing a diaper bag all together. I spoke to the Sw, and we agreed to only bring enough formula for the visit (we get formula thru WIC). The birthmom claimed to never have enough money for a diaper bag, however, she always had snacks and treats for the older children. She was angry, but after dealing with her wet and hungry son for a few minutes, she slipped out and went to the drugstore next door and bought supplies.

If it continues to be an issue, bring one wipe, diaper, and a bottle. If she wants anything ewlse for her child, she will have to provide it herself. Keep in mind, we brought a diaper bag for nearly a year before her issues got to be too much.

[LadyBugz]

When I was in the same situation, I became upset and stopped taking anything. Upon pick-up, dd's diaper was soooooooooo full it was like she had been dipped in a swimming pool. I couldn't even hold her she was dripping so much. Not even so much as an apology from bd, either.

And then I changed the diaper and saw the terrible diaper rash beneath.

After that, I decided to send whatever she needed. I convinced myself that she would have needed it had she been home and I didn't want her to suffer, but it still angered me that a fully grown adult couldn't pick up some diapers for his own child.

When she got older, I started sending food and found out that bd was eating it. So I had to load dd up right before the visit and have snacks available for right after.

So maddening to deal with it. And worse when the system overlooks the fact that they refuse to meet their childrens' most basic needs.

[leaabc123]

I send one diaper for little D and that is it. When they are on formula, I either feed them before the visit or send one can for overnights (had that happen once). They provide everything else.

They are supposed to be working towards getting the kids back. That includes caring for them at visits.

[formerbuckeye]

Hi I am a new poster been a lurker for awhile.


We have our first foster child (2 1/2 month old girl taken at the hospital) whom we hope to adopt. Dad has weekly visits when he can make it . He can barely care for her during this supervised hour. Honestly, I would not trust him to care for my fish overnight if you know what I mean.

I have a visit bag that I send fully stocked including a change of clothes (not a favorite outfit), a bottle with water, just enough formula, diapers, wipes, a toy and a book. I also include a note about what she is up to, doctor visits, etc. I sometimes also have the time to talk to him about things. The only thing he has ever touched is the bottle and formula (which was probably the workers doing) - he even has failed to give medicine.

I want the visits to go as well as possible for this little girl to minimize her stress. Also, if I provide everything and he fails to use it then he fails. I email the child's attorney, child's worker, and my worker weekly letting them know what he said to me (he has no filters and sees me as a friend) and what was or was not used from the bag. Trust me the judge will know that he does not give medicine, change diapers, etc.

Yes it can be frustrating but I really think it is in her best interest.

[bjhv5]

I learned my lesson, I NEVER SEND new outfits or our favorite outfits for the visit.It is only for 1 1/2 hours everyother week I send:

sippy cup with juice, 1 diaper for K& 1 bottle of formula ,2 diapers and wipes for S.I do not send snacks or drinks for N & F because they are older and can drink out of regular cups.
If we get to the point of unsupervised visits( including over night) then I will still send the same for transport but that is it. At that point they should be able to provide what the children need.

[Boulderbabe]

My son's parents were expected to bring diapers, wipes, bottle and/or snack for him to each visit. Being prepared for visits was part of showing that they were responsible enough to take custody.

Of course, they blew it half the time. They'd bring cow's milk for him (he's lactose intolerant) or food he couldn't eat, like grapes, or they'd just bring nothing at all.

My view was that visits were only an hour, so if they had a hungry/cranky/poopy kid on their hands, that was their bad. (But of course I usually fed my son before he left for visit, just in case. The poops they were on their own with, though.)

HTH