[ca-bigsister]

FD is 14. New friend was over and was on my FD's computer. New friend went on FD's instant messaging and sent a message using the b-word to one of FD's contacts. Contact is daughter of a major celebrity and new friend called contact the b word. FD wants to be an actress and I will see this celebrity at camp when FD attends acting camp. (Celebrity's kids also attending acting camp).I saw it and couldn't believe it. I was leaving so I didn't make a big deal but did the next day with FD, that I couldn't believe she would let a new friend get on her computer and call her contacts the b word and more.

FD got on voicemail with new friend and said I hated her. I took phone and said no, but that I was concerned about this behavior. Well, new friend is being vicious on the internet, saying how I'm retarded, a burn, and etc.

WHERE IS RESPECT from friends? FD is devastated, doesn't want to go to school tomorrow, has worked herself up into having a cold now. I know what FD is doing on the internet but I feel like I'm the only parent who cares. Should I have just "let it go" with the new friend? What friends do this to other's computers? Most of FD's friends think I'm crazy now and she doesn't want to go to her school.

I teach high school so I'm with teens every day and in fact many students talk to me about their lives. I'm not conservative but my FD's bioparents are both addicts. One's in prison for attempted murder of his own dad during a drug binge and Bio-M is on methadone among other things. Psychiatrist says FD is majorly prone to addiction.

FD has mentioned wanting to try drugs - I think she already has. She has a physical Tuesday. Should I have her drug tested? FD was my Little Sister for 7 years before coming to live with me last year. I can't handle a druggie in my house and the lies, etc that go with it. It's hard enough raising her.

Should I have let it go with the new friend? I feel like I was being a responsible parent on the one hand about what i will tolerate in my house, but it seems that all other parents don't do stuff like that.

Am I nuts?

[Hadley2]

No, you are NOT nuts.

It is too bad FD and her friend blew this up. If it were me, I'd tell FD fine, go ahead and blame me with your friends for the upset and the new rule that is coming down, the rule being that the computer gets shut off, put away, whatever, when friends are over. It is to FD's advantage to have this rule coming from you--this way, she does not have to police her friends' behavior, which might be too much to ask in her life situation at this time.

Let your FD know you care about her and her "rep." Point out that the rule will protect her from so-called friends getting her into even worse trouble with other kids at school. I'm betting this so-called friend knew exactly what she was doing--making your FD look malicious and irrational to others. Be sure she changes her password to something unlinkable to her--this other girl probably has it.

Parents need to be vigilant. It's not just about protecting our kids, it's about raising children to be the kind of adults we want to have in society.

Good luck!

[ca-bigsister]

Thanks for your support!!

[wrekdiver]

I agree with Hadley about loss of computer priveleges. Have you spoken to the other parents? If so, what did they say?

It sounds like you've done a great job of setting expectations and also teaching your daughter about consequences.
Incidentally, how did school go the next day?

[ca-bigsister]

The next day, she was still "sick." But when she returned, someone had written F__k my FD's name all over the bathroom. I know that it was the girl who had been at my house. We got grafitti remover and removed it. But since my FD has attachment disorder and has boundary issues - she soon became BEST FRIENDS again with this girl. I'm still not over but not in front of her because that will just make her like this girl even more. I can't believe that she would want to become friends again with someone who treated her like this. She told me it was her friend who had written it, but a couple of days later, she told me that it was "someone else."

Amazing, huh?

[happyinhazard]

You are NOT nuts! Our computer is in the living room where everyone can see everything that goes on. I tell my son all the time: "If you are writing something I cannot see or that you don't want me to see then maybe you shouldn't be writing it" I don't look over his shoulder but he knows I could if I thought I needed to and I have the guts to look over his shoulder.

I would monitor this new friendship and set boundaries about what behavior, language, etc. you will not accept from this new friend. Your foster daughter is "testing the waters" to see how much you really do care about her....I don't care what most folks say: kids need to know they have limits and that someone cares about them enough to enforce those limits.

What kind of world will we have in 10 or 20 years if we, as parents, continue to allow children and teenagers to "rule the roost"?

sorry for venting -- but I think you are right on and a great mom!

[ca-bigsister]

I don't like to admit this -- but there are programs you can put on the system that reads everything the person types. I have that for my FD and I see a lot about what she plans. Mostly it's just gossip but I know if she's planning something she shouldn't. I don't read it all the time, but you can put in certain words to be scanned for bulletins to you.

Mostly I'm happy to report, she's pretty truthful to me aboutwhat's happening

[swanzie]

I don't think you are nuts either. I "monitor" all the conversations. Sometimes it is good to know what is going on in these kids lives. Especially when they have attachment issues.

I have to say that I don't pull computer priv. for bad language as this is they way these kids talk "type" to each other. However, in real life I do not allow it. I also moved the computer from the computer room out into the living room so FS is not tempted to look at things he shouldn't be. And 9 times out of 10 I am in the kitchen and we have an open floor plan so I can see what he is looking at.

What I tend to do is read (or try to their spelling is horrible!) and then in VERY subtle ways try and redirect his thinking. To take what is going on in his life (without his knowledge) and give him stories that he might put 2 and 2 together to see what is really right. For instance if he starts arguing with his sister and they start name calling I will say "if you don't have anything nice to say do not say anything at all" We talk about that often and how bad words can ruin his reputation and as a man, his integrity means everything - say what you mean and mean what you say. Stand behind what you believe and don't let others force you into a situation.

I've even had him come home where he stood up for the underdog at school, because people where picking on this kid. Now my fs is almost 6 feet at 13 so I am sure that helps when he sticks up for his friends.

He came from a home of constant lying and I've experienced it first hand from his bioM. So I understand somewhat where he is coming from. But he also knows right from wrong and we demonstrate and point out to him constantly why being truthful is always the best.

We had an incident with BioM not following thru on her word. This time it was a major deal to this boy and I didn't say, "I told you so" I never mentioned any of that. But I did have a conversation once saying that you can't pick your relatives, but you sure can pick your friends and make sure your choices are good choices, because friends are a big part of your life and you want to surround yourself with people you can love and trust. And different characteristics that make a friend a friend, and the importance of being true to your word.

Regarding monitoring your foster children (IMO) , via computer, phone, room etc. Here's my 2 cents worth...We didn't raise these children from birth, we weren't there when they were abused or neglected, we have really no idea really what has happened to them - we don't know their bio-families or what they are capable of. I believe that as foster parents we have every right to monitor EVERYTHING. And I do. I need to keep my family safe, I need to keep the foster children safe. and by keeping track of everything that comes in and out of this house I can do that. If Bio's contact child and say they are going to be at their soccer game. (even though no contact order is in place other than supervised visits) I just reiterate before the soccer game, if your bio-m shows up to this game it is ok to say hi, but we can't have a visit - your visits are at the DSS office right now. I do this for monitoring for eveyones safety period. I know where these kids are 100% of the time. I check up on the older one when he says he is going to such and such a place....if he's not there...he's grounded. (that only took one time to correct itself!) If they want to go over a friends house I make sure the parents are there and introduce myself...and leave my # and cell # - just in case. (this is totally odd for my 13 yo fs) But it has curtailed alot of visits and he now doesn't even ask to go anywhere that he knows I would not approve of.

Well...sorry this is so long - but I just thought it might help you feel a little better knowing you are not alone with the monitoring and I think you are doing the right thing!

Regards,

[ca-bigsister]

Wow, thanks for the long reply.
Yes, our computer is in the living room, too. No Computer in her bedroom. She has a TV that is connected to a DVD/VCR so she can watch movies, but not regular TV.

Good news. FD was typing inappropriate things to boys who had asked her "how far have you gone, etc." about sexual experience, etc. I told her she shouldn't tell this to boys. She was genuinely shocked that she didn't have to reveal everything. I told her just to switch the subject or say she had to go.

Last night, a boy asked, "How far have you ever gone?" She said, I have to go, just a second and never answered him. I was so proud because yes, I had made an impression on her.

[JDMonroe]

I am a faithfull user of CyberSnoop. The computer is a "No privacy" zone in my house and it is the DR. I Think you doing a good job and not Nuts at all.