[MomInAL]

Has anyone out there been through this? Our three siblings were TPR'd last week. The oldest is a 15 year old girl. CW has explained to her that she has a choice of being adopted by our family (which we are willing to do) or she can choose to remain in long term foster care placement with our family. Either way she will not have to be moved again (which has been a real problem for her).

Today she asked me if we would be upset with her if she chose to not be adopted but just stay with us. I told her in no way would be upset or hurt and I assured her that we loved her no matter what she decides. We talked some more and she told me that it is hard for her because she feels like there is no one that really understands what she is going through.

In our country 99% of the children in care are under 6 years old. (OK that might not be an "exact" number, but very close!) Any FP meetings that we go to it is always little kids and our three are always the oldest ones there (at 15, 11 and 9). We have asked other fp about it and no one is aware of any older kids in foster care.

I really feel like I don't know what to say to her on this other than to assure her of our love and support. She lost her bio-mother on Christmas Day and her bio-dad signed TPR papers over last week. She feels abandoned by her bio-family. I'm looking forward to hearing back from you guys on this one.

MomInAL
DD 18, DD 16, guardian to D 16,
FD 15, FS 11, FS 9 (siblings - TPR on 2/16/06)

[nsanders]

Our dd (fos-adopt) is 11.

Maybe she is just upset about TPR. Stick with her. That is a tough age for any kid.

Congrats on TPR.

[echobunny89]

One of my foster daughters is 16 and she goes back and forth about whether or not she wants to be adopted. I have told her that I support her either way. She once asked if I did adopt her, would it be ok for her to keep her family's last name instead of taking mine. I told her this was ok too. I think it is harder on the older kids because they have more history with the birth family and still carry a sense of loyalty to them.

[MomInAL]

Well CW called last night and told me her new therapist is going to the school to talk to her today! Hopefully that will help her some also.

She says she has worried about her brothers for so long (she has practically raised them) and that now she knows her brothers will be OK and that they will have a forever home and she just doesn't know what she wants to do. I think in some ways she feels "doomed" to repeat her parents life. I have told her she has so many opportunities in front of her, but she is just not seeing it that way right now.

I am honest with her. I told her I will not say "I know how you feel" or anything like that because I do NOT know how she feels. I also told her maybe God was preparing her to be in social work one day where she could look straight at the child and say "I KNOW how you feel" because she has been through it. She smiled at that one.

I still feel she will be with us long term (even if she decides not to be adopted) but I just hope and pray that she will come to terms with all that is happening in her life.

MomInAL
DD 18, DD 16, guardian to D 16
FD 15, FS 11, FS 9 (siblings - TPR on 2/16/05!)

[Gryph]

There seems to be some strong feelings of guilt. The 17-yr-old that we adopted wanted to change his name back to his birth name, after someone else had legally changed it.

[mylilangels]

I don't have any imput on this especially since our 13yr old left us a few weeks ago, and it was so painful. We are looking at adopting our newborn, and I know most families around here want young ones to adopt. I think it's great that you want to make these older babies your forever children. I pray my 13 M comes back so we can keep her. they sent her to a group home after they promised her if she behaved in my home she could stay. She calls me and tells me she wants me to adopt her. It's a great thing. It took my M a few wks to figure out what she wanted, she was the mom to her 3 younger sibs so she came to us wanting to continue to be the parent. She started to learn how to be a child, but you can see the loyalty she still has to her mom..It'll get better in time.

[jhmarmstrong]

I have just adopted three - 13, 9 and 3 -- from foster care. My 13 assured me three years ago when she moved in that I would never adopt her, she would never call me mom and she would never take my last name. Time made a huge difference. We talked often about what adoption would mean to her future - a forever home even after college, a place for her children to call grandma's, people she would be able to count on to help move her, be there for her wedding etc. Though we would have been there for her anyway, the guarantee of it helped her. She also had asked during the three years for things like pierced ears, going away to a special camp etc. etc. She hated to hear me say - I'll ask the county for permission. It's wonderful for all of us not to have to ask the county anymore ! She still doesn't call me mom but who knows, that may come too ! Good luck.

[Faith65]

About 6 yrs back I took in 2 of three neices. Then 10, 8, and 2. The two yr old went with her biof. The 10 yr old will be 16 next month, well she still doesn't want anyone but her parents. At times she has talked about beging adopted by others but never has. When it starts to get close she falls apart and regresses and her behavior! We won't talk about that now. But the 8 yr old is will be 14 June. She is back here with me and my finace. State worked on reunifaction with biom and girls. Neither are with her and TPR has begun finally for B. Biom and E are still trying on family life together. Mom can manage her and wants her.

B wants me and finace to adopt her! She wants a permant family for always. She even wants to change her name. But, at the same time when we run into someone that knew her and her mom and siblingings she wavers. I beleive this is normal. B will always be my daughter no matter what. And remeber your fd just lost a lot. Her biom to death and her dad just sign them over. Which was in thier best interrest but still a loss. She maynot believe or trust permancy. And permancy to her may mean loss at this time and place (death is very permant and huge loss, there is still biof and a possible realationship at sometime and place).

Go slow with her like you are. Get her into theraphy. Be her friend and contuine loving her. Teen yrs are so hard normally never mind to be thrown curve balls the way she has. Does she allow you to touch or hold her? When talking will she allow you to hold her hand, hug her, rub her shoulder or arm? I would slowly do lots of this. Even sit next to her while watching tv. Or driving down the road, rest your hand on her arm or leg. Sometimes just contact will connect her to you. Will she allow you to help with her hair or picking out her cloths? Can you get her to cook with you, or even enjoy breakfest out together just you and her? I know with B doing all these things with her has helped build that tight bond we have together. Oh and believe me there are days she hates me. Won't let me near her but I push her to be near me. I will even tell her she has to get a book and come read on the couch with me she may sit at the other end but we are in each others presence. I have her do homeowrk in kitchen while I prepare dinner. What ever you can don't let her isolite from you or the family.

You are doing a great job. Do you still have a sw worker that maybe she can hook your fd up with another one so they have a bond or someone to share with? Another great thing is a mentor for her? B has one who was adopted as an infant but they are still able to share and relate. This really helps B in terms of not feeling so different from peers and mentor reinforces that this is a good thing.

Keep us posted, keep doing the super job you are doing with not just her but the other kids! Hugs

[nonnazwild]

There are many teens in care, and most are aging out of care because families aren't willing to take chances on them. Just be patient with her and keep telling her that you love her no matter what. I've seen teens go back at 19 and ask to be adopted. I love fostering teens and kids...none of them are easy though!