[Crane13]

Hi all. Its been a while and I should have posted two weeks ago when I found out about the move, but it has been so hard to find the words.

We brought little D home from the hospital as our first placement. He was a 2 pound preemee when he was born and was 5 pounds when we got him. He stayed for about a year, and then was given to Grandma. Losing him broke our hearts. We grieved for so long. He was our first placement, and we really did not know how to let go.

Then we were all set to move across the country. The day before the house went on the market, agency called and said they needed a home for baby D again. They said that we would be going straight to TPR, since this was reoccuring. So we said yes, and canceled our plans for grad school and a new location.

A year later, and he leaves to go back to his mom and dad tomorrow at 4 PM.

Needless to say, we are broken. This will be harder then last time, because he LOVES us so much. When he left the first time, he was a baby, and babies don't run across the day care playground and collapse in your arms out of joy to see you. They don't sit on your lap and squeeze your cheeks and shower you with kisses.

I don't know how to do this.

Anyway, we are grieving. Everything about this feels like a death. A loss that we can't do anything about. Our friends and family are supportive, but they don't know what to say or how to help. Really, I am looking for closure.

Surely others have suffered tremendous losses. There might even be another fparent out there who has lost their same child twice. I really need some ideas for closure. After a death, there is a funeral. I just want to help myself and help my husband through this as much as possible.

[leaabc123]

Hi,
Not sure what to say but you have my sympathies. We have lost placements before (never the same kids though). We are waiting to see what happens with our girls right now as their case goes on and on.

We also used Artificial Insemination and a donor last year and got pregnant after a few tries. Normal pregnancy, no problems etc. Then on December 30th, I went into premature labor and our son was born 20 weeks early with no chance of survival. I have never felt grief like that before. Took to my bed for weeks while dp took care of the girls and the house.

There are no easy answers. perhaps taking time to just grieve and remember the good times that you had, look at photos, etc.

[hesabanana]

Words cannot express my sorrow at reading your post. I cannot imagine your pain. When we were told we were losing our fs, I could not breathe, and considered these same issues. Thankfully, our situation turned out differently.

The only thing I can think to tell you which would be even remotely helpful (if at all) is to treasure the knowledge that you positively impacted on this little angel's life. Since I am crying as I write this, I realize it would not make much of a difference in my own grief, and that there really isn't anything that can be said to ease your pain.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[mommyto9]

Just wanted you to know I'm thinnking of you and praying for you, that's all I know to do!

We have 2 fs's we are hoping to adopt. Basically all we're waiting on is a criminal trial for "mom". I imagine all sorts of terrible scenarios, she gets aquitted, works her case plan and gets the boy's back. That of course is the worse possible scenario! "R" has lived with us as long as with his bp, and his baby brother came to us at 2 days old, and only knows us as mom and dad.

I truly will pray for you....Pray that God gives you comfort!

[Luvbeingmommy]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There are really no words to express my heart felt sympathy for you and your family. Reunification is always hard ... but since they told you they were going straight to TPR, you were allowed to love this child with a deeper kind of love.

You, this little one and your family are in my prayers.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[amylauren3030]

I know that there are no words to make you feel better...or to lessen the pain of this loss. I do believe with all my heart that everytime a child is brought into our lives, God wanted them to be there, and his ways are perfect. This sweet little boy has known love and trust and all the things that he should expect from a family. This will stay with him forever, even if he is young.
We haven't fostered yet, but we have kept kids for other people and had to let them go. I kept a little boy for almost a year. I kept him 5 days a week and his bmom kept him 2. If I hadn't been working the other two, she would have let me keep him all 7. I thought we were going to be able to adopt him and that didn't happen. We had to move and I had to let him go. I was messed up for a long time.
I think the system stinks. I am sure we all agree on that. I am scared to get hooked up with this foster/adoption stuff. I am scared to be hurt. I know that it will happen. I have to find some comfort in knowing that if we lose one, it is not the one that was supposed to be ours forever.
In my prayers,

[MamaTo6]

Words cannot express my sympathies for you and your family. This just sucks!!! Prayers for a smooth transition for your lil one. Take time to grieve, you are a wonderful parent and even if you dont believe it now, there is another wee one waiting for a good mommy.


Isnt fostering grand?

[ALI143]

I am so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympothies. How horrible that they even uttered TPR without it actually happening.

[hesabanana]

How are you and your family doing?

[Crane13]

Thanks for all of the kind words and prayers.

Needless to say, we are not doing very well. I am thankful for my five year old fs, because we need to get up every morning and put on a normal face and attitude. Our house is so empty. Earlier this year, we had three under 6. Now we just have the little boy. We have gotten rid of everything that we could. Sure, we have our crates of memories - first shoes, favorite clothes, art from day care, and MANY pictures. I am a photographer, so we can't really escape the pictures. But the toddler bed, the high chair, the sippee cups, the little people, the veggie tales dvds - those are all gone.

The day he left was aweful. DH put him in his car seat and D was crying. He kept pointing at the seat next to him and saying "Mommy, Daddy sit!" He had to know that this was goodbye.

Nights are not good. I swear we are not dwelling on the loss, but we are still not sleeping. DH and I seem to take turns being up in the night. Our doctor gave us sleeping pills, but how long can that last?

It is very hard to watch DH go through this too. He is a teacher and had a student die this year. That was a major loss for him. So this re-opens all of those wounds.

We have hopes of looking him up when he is 18, but I think this is crossing some sort of ethical line. For now, it is something to hold onto.

And not many people understand this type of pain. It is not a death, it is not a kidnapping, he is back with a family that rightfully deserves to have him... The hardest thing is when people look at you like you should not be grieving. Even harder is when some nice person does not know he is gone and asks how he is doing.

I do have to say that it is getting more bearable though. We had two weeks to do the transition, so for the whole two weeks, we were counting everything... 3 more naps at home, five more dinners, 6 more goodnight songs, 4 more baths, 7 more sleeps, 2 more veggie tales sing-alongs, one more church service... Everything was numbered, and at least we are passed that now.

Thanks for the place to vent and for caring about us and D. Really, thanks.

[kikibrando]

I hope your family will get through this. I'll say a prayer for your family, and your son.

I really wish DSS offices and their staff were accountable for the things they tell us. I know they have a very difficult job, but oftentimes, I don't think social workers appreciate how willing we are to change our lives for the sake of the children we love.

[niandca]

I feel so bad for you. I have had the same thing happen and I have never been so grief stricken. Nothing prepared me for the horrible pain in my heart.

I was angry because I had broken my own rule about "never taking them back" ONLY because the sw said parents had run out of chances & TPR was a sure thing. Well, no, cuz bp's split up--bdad cleaned up his act long enough to get kids back. My own fault, I suppose--she's an sw, why oh why did I believe her?Fortunately, my mom decided the state didn't have any say in her "grandma rights" so she took it upon herself to contact the family. Fd is almost 11 now & my folks still get to take her out a few times a year. I still have not been able to see her (it would kill me), but she writes me notes & I send her little gifts. Unfortunately, to this day, if I think about the day she left long enough, I still cry. I have had some attachment/bonding issues since then, too.

The last image I have of her was so sad and I spent so much time thinking about how confused she must be and wondering where is mommy...well, seeing a picture of her smiling really helped me get over that.

Maybe the sw could ask the family for a picture after awhile?

[HOPEFULINPA]

I am so so very sorry for your loss.

[bumpkin]

I too am so sorry for your loss. I lost a fdaughter ( a full sib of my twins) 5 months ago. I read so much of what I felt and still do feel in your posts.

It is good you have other children to keep you sane, I know exactly what you mean though - you have to get up and put that face on for the children, but, if not for them.....

It feels like the earth should stop revolving... but it doesn't, life goes on...people go to work, they laugh in restaurants... it is very bizarre - something that is hard for others to really understand.

I can tell you after 5 months, it has gotten better. I can go to the mailbox without panicing because i didn't bring the phone incase they call etc... I'm even going away for a week. But there is not a day that I don't think and pray for her. The nights are hard.

I pray that you can find peace, if only taking one step at a time...it is all we can do.

Will they be watching your little boy in his RU? perhaps the cw can give you updates???? (((hugs)))).

[Crane13]

Just a quick note - P is coming back to us in two hours, again! More later.