[cb131]

Sk is almost 5 & she has been tellimg me just lately that I am not the mom she wanted when I am correcting her about something ,I mean just explaining to her,nothing like she is in trouble or anything.I am trying to show her the other side of how to handle something (mostly her controlling her bro)I have not really disiplined for the disrespect but it is escallating & she is CONSTANTLY is talking back,I say cannot go outside because its too cold & she will say no its not (that is a lame ex but I mean about EVERYTHING its like I say no she will litterally say no I think for no reason other than a habbit.)I am confused because I know she would rather live with her family.I know she is saying things to hurt me on purpose. she says that I only wanted her sis & bro & not her I told her God gave her to me for a reason & he gave me to her because he knows something that we do not yet.It has actually hurt me though,after she woke up in the middle of the night & was like sleep walking & I asked her are you alright & she tells me your not the mommy I wanted & all that mean stuff again & She was not even really awake.We had had sooo much fun that day also.I know she has loyalty but it has almost been a yr she has been here & we are starting adoption process,Not that I am changing my mind but I worry for her Anyway her therapy is not till fri. before then should I disapline or no? My gut says I need to just tell her time out every time she talks back so she can break the habbit.

[AmyAnne]

My guess is she's doing this to see a reaction. I would leave it at "Well, that stinks for you. You're the daughter I wanted. You don't have to love me, but you can't stop me from loving you." And give her a kiss, then walk away.

As for the fighting about ridiculous things, that's probably an attempt to be in control. Could be an attachment issue. Could be her just being ornery. Try and give her some choices where you can. Not "you have to wear a coat because it's too cold" but "Would you like to wear the blue coat or the pink one this morning?" On the stuff that really matters, such as bedtime, saftey issues, etc, I tell my son "I'm sorry, this is not a negotiable issue" and then I walk away. If I'm not standing there to fight with, he'll go on and do it.

[Ians mom]

Might it be that she wants you to prove that you are committed to her??
By the time our daughter was 4, she had been through 2 family placements and 2 foster homes. It took several months for her to understand that adoption meant forever. She did the "You aren't my mom" thing for awhile and what finally worked for me was saying it back to her.

Mommy, can I have a cookie?....Im sorry, I thought I wasn't your mom.......

Normally, her response was a smile and "Yes, you are"

Might not work with every kid, but it did for mine.

Just hang in there...It will get better.

As far as discipline goes, the house rules are the house rules around here. If I let my kids get away with breaking them just because they are feeling sassy, It would be constant chaos.
Remember, the younger kids are always watching and learning.

[Kate1129]

Amy's response is perfect! Knock her socks off!!!!

How long has she been with you? How often are visits? I am sure it's a loyalty thing. It's hard for them to just accept our love cause we said so. We do need to keep in mind every lie you can imagine has probably been told to these kids. Actions are much louder then words for her! I would say she's trying to hurt your feelings to see what happens.

As far as talking back, we do time outs for that. Or we have to scrub the tub or the toilet. My J (he's almost 5) hates it, but I told him he wants to use a potty mouth, he gets to clean it!

[Lee-Lee]

"My guess is she's doing this to see a reaction. I would leave it at "Well, that stinks for you. You're the daughter I wanted. You don't have to love me, but you can't stop me from loving you." And give her a kiss, then walk away."

AmyAnne that was an excellent response. I just took a behavioral class last week and learned that what she is using on you is just "junk behavior". It's only purpose is for a response and you shouldn't give her the satisfaction of getting one. The key is to ignore it completely at the time and then address it at another time, usually when it is not taking place. Make sure to reinforce her positive behavior more. When you give her "junk behavior" a response even if it is to discipline her you are in actuality reinforcing that negative behvior.

[Angie20]

Personally, I don't think this has anything to do with being a foster/adoptive child and everything to do with being 5.

My almost 5 year old bio daughter does the exact same thing. She conterdicts everything I say & when I correct her, I'm the "meanest mommy ever"

I know a lot of people with kids this age & it seems to be the norm. Now, what to do about it - I'm not sure. With her conterdicting me, I usually just ignore it & not respond & she gives up. It's annoying, but there are worse things she does.

[leastofthese]

I think that Ian's mom was right on when she said, "As far as discipline goes, the house rules are the house rules around here. If I let my kids get away with breaking them just because they are feeling sassy, It would be constant chaos.
Remember, the younger kids are always watching and learning."

Whether the behavior has to do with attachment issues or is just normal 5 year old behavior, it is unacceptable. If you ingore it on a regular basis, you are basically telling the child that it must be okay to do this because mommy doesn't tell me differently.

Children EXPECT us as their parents to provide boundaries and let them know when they are stepping over them! It is also our job! We do our children an injustice when we allow behavior in our homes directed toward us that would not be found acceptable to a stranger in public. I tell my boys all the time that they are practicing every day to be a man someday. I don't expect maturity that they are not capable of, but I DO expect them to be working in that direction. Yes, 5 is still very little, but now is the time to mold and nurture her into a child who can articulate her feelings in a way that is not disrespectful or rude.

Bio or not, attachment-disordered or not, if the behavior's unacceptable, you have to do something to change it or at least to let the child know that you expect better. Children often live up to our expectations of them, so we need to be sure we communicate our expectations. Ignoring an offense is a lack of communication on the part of the parent.

[leastofthese]

As for the comment that "You are not the mom I wanted." That is such a truthful statement on her part, I would imagine.

Imagine being 4 or 5 years old and not being allowed to be with your birth family any longer. Imagine the disappointment, confusion, anger, frustration, questions...

She HAS to be able to express all of that and at her age the only way she probably knows to express that disappointment, is to say it that way. Gosh, it hurts as a foster/adoptive parent to hear those words, but you know, imagine the hurt of that child who doesn't think ANYONE must want her if even her bio mom won't take care of her.

Maybe you can say something like you've already said, but also let her know that you understand that she's disappointed that she can't be with bio mom, and that you're sorry about that, but this is what God has worked out for the two of you and He's pretty doggone smart, so it must be going to be okay, and can the two of you work together to make this a good thing?

I don't know maybe that sounds silly, but as I read back through your post, I felt so deeply that her comment was less of a cut on you but more of an expression of extreme disappointment that her life has turned out the way it has. And maybe that it isn't so much about YOU and how you parent her as it is about HER LIFE and what she has lost in her few years.

I still believe that you need to discipline for the rude and disrespectful comments. She CAN learn to communicate in an acceptable, pleasant manner. But, she also needs to be able to communicate as truthfully as possible while being respectful.

[cb131]

Than you all soo much.I really cannot allow her to disrespect so her & I talked & I explained that she will be getting an blue x every time she does it so we can count & see how many times she does it ( I believe she has a habbit now & self control is not factoring in) She has 5 days to work on it & then BLACK x's go up & that is when she loses privledges.So she agrees for now & today was pleasant.I took her in my arms this morning & just told her I know God has a plan for the 2 of us & it may not be what we want all the time but it is what HE wants & you just do not argue with God.we giggled a bit & I felt my 2nd wind & then I kept reading the replys & I know we are gonna be alright.THanks again

[brl]

One of the great things about these posts is the variety.

As I read each post I said "My boys gonna get that one"

All children are different, diff. things help diff. kids.

I think that why there is no set in stone manual. It would be the size of a public library!

I'm glad things are better for you!