[lakin11]

Question for those with more experience at this! How much say does the foster parent have in setting up times for regular supervised visitation? Do they let us work with what is best for us/the kids or whatever time the bparents want it?
Thanks!
Shannon

[brl]

I have always been called and asked "is this time ok?"

It has never really been a problem for us.

Of course, we both work, so the only real time we take them to visits is unsupervised to McDonalds or sometihng.

just try and protect nap time if possible. It will benefit you and the bios.

[lakin11]

Nap times are part of my concern. We had a last minute visit set up for Thursday b/c bmom decided she wanted to see V on her 4th bday. It was to be the first visit as previously they could not contact mom to set them up...she gave a disconnected phone and bogus address. Then in court on Monday said the kids meant everything to her. So I was willing to take the kids for the visit (at SW's office) since it was a special occassion. Mom was supposed to be there at 2:15, but did not show up until 3:35. We were told to leave at 3:15 b/c mom had more than passed the 15 minutes. The kids normally nap in the afternoon from 1:30/2 to 3:30ish. I watch a few kids after school, so would not be free again until after 6. During the day we are more than able. However, I know mom apparently has a job, so I don't know if they are going to schedule everything based on whats best for her. Of course she picked the time for the first visit and still didn't make it on time. I know SW said if she misses 2 more consec. visits, they are cancelled until further notice. From now on though, they will be done at one of the visitation agencies, not the SW's office. Just wondering how flexible I have to be when I think the kids need their naps! I know its already going to be an emotional event and if they haven't had their nap, that will only make things worse!
Shannon

[LadyBugz]

I would try to talk to the SW up front. Tell her, "Here are my available times: 9-12 AM or 6-8 PM. I think mornings would be better for the kids, but I know Mom works, so the evening time I can make it is after 6. Or if you want someone else to do transport, then the kids are available after 4." Then she has plenty of times to work within and it isn't like you are being the meany after 2-4 is the chosen time and you say, "No, its nap time then."

[lakin11]

I think the SW will agree to whatever we want. She's not too happy with mom. Of course, SW isn't the one who sets up the time.....I guess the visitation agencies are the ones who pick the day, and ask when you are available. So if we aren't available when mom is, then I guess the SW steps in. I don't know for sure!

[gregorysparents]

Shannon,

My experience has been that the visitation schedule is ALWAYS worked around the birth parents schedules. When Gregory's visitations were supervised, the visits were scheduled around the birth parents schedule then the supervisor doing the supervising. We were then told when the visits were going to be.

In Whyatt's situation, we are TOLD when to have him at visitation. His mommy lives at a girls' home and they call and tell me when to have him there. For example, I received a phone call about two weeks ago telling me that visitations would be as follows: Sundays 8 am - 4 pm, Mondays 3:30 - 5:30 pm and Wednesdays 3:30 - 4:30 pm. They did not ask if my schedule would allow these visits. I really have a problem with doing Sunday visits - it's our "family" time - why can't we do Saturday visits? Furthermore, the caseworker told Whyatt's mommy's caregiver that they needed to check with my schedule and to work with it - which - they didn't. We are suppose to have a visit this evening and since I have a case plan meeting for Gregory, I told the caregiver that I wouldn't be able to make it. She was suppose to get back with me (two weeks ago) and tell me if we would do this visit on Tuesday (tomorrow) - I still haven't heard from her.

I have no problem working with any birth parents schedules. I believe that in order for them to maintain a job and work towards getting their children back - that their schedules need to be worked with. However, I also believe that birth parents need to be flexible and that they need to "give" some when it comes to visitations. I mean, their children are not in foster care because of us foster parents - right!?! We foster parents do have lives. I don't know how some of you work outside the home and still make visitations and etc. I do not work outside the home - I need to (financially) - but - I won't until Gregory leaves us and then it will be a hard decision as to whether to return back to the workplace.

Christina

[tabby]

With our fs's the visits were worked around the bp's schedule. I told them that I couldn't take them at those times and they would need to get a transporter. They did this for about a month and the sw got tired of picking them up and bringing them back. She called a couple of weeks ago and asked me what time would be best for us so I could bring them and pick them up. So visits did get changed.

[Kate1129]

I'd say it depends on who is supervising. For us, we transport an hour one way, so we get to have a say as to when they are. If we lived closer I'm sure we woulnd't have as much say. I know our SW works with us because she does not want to have to 2 hours of the day driving!

[Aaronsmommy03]

Hi!! Naptime has always been a very important concern for our family when scheduling visitation. I am upfront with the SW and tell her what works best for us and they usually do their best to accomodate that schedule. With 4 kids ages 3 and under naps are VERY important!! Good luck.

[lakin11]

Well the visitation center called today and asked when I was available. I told her before 1 or after 6, and Thurs nights were out for us. So she had a spot for 6 on Mondays. She was going to call me back and let me know what mom says, but so far no call......so we'll see!
Shannon

[lakin11]

Its Friday and guess what.....STILL no call. The second number mom gave also does not work. So they are going to write her a letter. She has a week to reply, if not, they aren't going to spend time trying to track her down! Amazing how she cried in front of the judge how the kids meant the world to her, yet keeps giving none working numbers to the social worker. Its been well over a month since she's even seen her kids!

Okay here is another question...how many of you tell the kids they are going for a visit? We did the first time, and were worried since she didn't show, they would be upset.....they didn't act like they cared one way or another. Cried when we got there b/c they DIDN'T want to go, and were happy when we left.
I don't know if we should tell them next time or just load them in the van for a trip....w/o telling them where we are going. I supposed if she makes it to regular visits, then they will know after the first two times where we are going.
Thanks!
Shannon

[LadyBugz]

Lakin,

I had that problem with visits: should I prepare her for it in case he shows or should I not in case he doesn't? I decided that mine would be more hurt unprepared so I went ahead and told. Then I had the problem of explaining why he didn't show. She was angry at me for lying to her and saying he was going to be there when he wasn't. I changed my word choices really fast.

I ended up using words to the effect of:
"We have to get ready to go to the center." (Note the choice of going to the place and not to the person.) How come? "Because Dad is supposed to be there today." and then, depending on her mood, I'd follow up with lines like, "Do you think he's going to be there? You do! We'll see..." (all upbeat and positive) or "Last time we went, Dad didn't show up. How did that make you feel?" She would often tell me to tell him something, like that he was wrong for not coming last time, or that he is not supposed to do something she didn't like, etc. So I would say to her, "When I see him, I will discuss it with him." If she asked when that would be, I would tell her that I didn't know because sometimes he makes poor decisions and isn't there when he says he will be. Then I could turn the conversation to how she was dealing with that. So on visitation day when she'd bring it back up and tell me to tell him, I would tell her, "If he's there, I will tell him." to which she would usually tell me to tell him that he has to be there because it hurt her heart when he wasn't. Then we'd discuss her feelings on it all. All I really could do was prepare her for the worst, hope for the best, and help her through it as best I could.

I found it was best to drop it into casual conversations throughout the week to help her work through the fear and anger and sadness because otherwise, with mine, it all exploded at once on visitation day in a major meltdown. Perhaps your kiddos need to be reassured that if Mom shows up, she isn't going to take them home. That they are only going to play for a little while, and that you will be there and so-and-so (the supervisor) will be there to make sure they are safe, and that they are going to go home with you when they leave. Perhaps getting there a bit early to let them get to know the supervisor would help, too. Or maybe, with them being left so often, mom is really a stranger to them and they need ro be assured that they are just going to have fun playing and will be in a safe place. Figure out what it is that is going on inside them as best you can and then try to prepare them from that angle.