[corcor]

Hi Everyone,

We've recently fostered a 2-year beautiful baby boy named Julian for 10 months...then the day before the adoptive parents arrived here in the Philippines, our social worker called to inform us that we would have to turn Julian over to his adoptive family after 3 days. The separation process was so abrupt , the actual turn over happened in a span of 2 hours-- we(foster family) and the adoptive family met at the orphanage and after an hour of talking, the adoptive sister started playing with Julian (Julian being a vry sociable child was cool w/ it)...but while this was happening, knowing that was the last time I'd ever see him playing, laughing...I just broke down crying in front of everyone (so did my mom), the social worker then hurriedly rushed us out of the room & into another room so the child wouldn't see us crying.

After about half an hour, the child started running around looking for us saying "Mama, mama, where? Mama where?" and started trying to open the door where we were locked in... the social workers then told us that because the child was looking for us, we COULD NO LONGER say goodbye to him anymore because it'll be tough for him to leave us. So I felt completely helpless --I realy wanted to at least say Goodbye & not being able to do so just tore my heart into pieces. The adoptive family was then ushered out to leave the orphanage first with us still hidden in the room but we were allowed to peer through the window...and all the more I broke down. I saw the child run to our car (which was parked outside) looking for us then the adoptive father just carried him away...although the child didn't cry, he had a very stioc, glassy-eyed look, confused look...that was the last time I saw him...I wanted to run out to say Goodbye - to hold him just one last time but I couldn't and that just killed me...I was devastated...the pain was excruciating...

I felt this was extremely traumatic for BOTH parties- the foster family & for the child. I was under the impression that the separation would be gradual...our family and the adoptive family gets together little by little familiarizes themselves with the child and when the child gets to a point where he's extremely comfy, that's when the turn over takes place. Am I wrong?

According to the social workers of CRIBS PHILIPPINES and their FILIPINO child psychologist, this is the best procedure. Is this really how it's supposed to be or are these so-called "social workers" and "child psychologists" just plain incompetent?

Can someone please please help shed some light on this? I know my whole family is devasted over the loss of Julian...I don't want Julian to feel as if we've abandoned him....I really just want him to be happy

[Boulderbabe]

That doesn't sound like the best procedure for the child. It sounds like the most convenient procedure for the agency.

How unbelievably crappy.

[brl]

You are not alone. turning kids over at that age is traumatic.

When it is fumbled like that and you can't say your last good bye it is even worse.

I know now you are hurting, but it does get better.
That is not glib advice offhandedly given. It is from one who has been there.

[ALI143]

I am sorry for the cruel way that baby and you were treated. This happens a lot with kids getting taken away from there birthparents abruptly by DHS. It's devastating for them. My prayers are with that little guy and for all the children and families that agency hurts.

[FinallyAmomOf1]

that is horrible. anyone should know that a child, no matter where or with whom they are living, needs some form of closure with a caregiver. they need to hear (whether or not they understand) that its okay to move on. any child workers should know the dangers of doing something like that. i understand they wanted it 'over' and had 'other things to do' but whats an extra 5 minutes???????
Sorry for your pain. I hope that in time it gets easier. I pray for the child and that he understands one day it wasn't his fault, OR his new parents, OR your fault.

[corcor]

Thank you so much for all your replies, they've brought me alot of comfort & newfound courage to fight for children's rights in this country!! There are no laws on proper procedure when it comes to separating a child from their loved ones/foster family/caregiver...they absolutely DO NOT take into consideration the feelings of the child. Am not allowing this to go on! Thank you for your support & prayers everyone! Really appreciate it!

[tybeemarie]

This is a terribly cruel thing that happened to you, and worse, to this poor little boy. They have set him up for an attachment disorder. I also feel sorry for the adoptive parents, who no doubt have dreams of a normal, loving family life. This abrupt, dishonest departure will complicate the chances for that happening. Do you have any contact information for the adoptive family? I would think loving parents would want their child to know that he was loved as a baby, that you did not abandon him. There is a lot of suffering in this for everyone involved. I truly am sorry for the agony this sick agency put you and this innocent child through. Good luck with your advocacy on behalf of kids. It is time well spent. You might look at Ethica, a nonprofit organization that works on making adoption more ethical. Their site is http://www.ethicanet.org.

[TexasJingles]

I think this is very common in over-seas adoptions.

My brother was also 10 months old when he was adopted. My parents had seen him only once 4 months before for a few moments when they applied to the agency in Korea. At least his foster parents had 4 months to prepare (sort of, since they didn't know if everything would go through the system).

However, when the day arrived for my parents to pick him up, it was really walk in the door and hand him over!

I'm sorry for the way you were treated. There's nothing that I can say, really, but perhaps knowing that my brother is now 32, running his own business, and although he has his problems (issues with not knowing his birthfamily, or having an asian connection -- he chooses to live an a very small community with almost zero asians), the fact that he's doing ok, well, maybe it can relieve a little of your pain.

Hang in there.