[Aaronsmommy03]

I have been a long time lurker, but have never posted. I have a problem that I am hoping someone can help me with. We currently have an 8-month old FS that has been with us since September. He was placed with us due to SEVERE neglect and malnutrition. Then a few days before Christmas they called and asked us to take his 2-year old sister they were removing due to the neglect they had witnessed during the visits the birthmom was having with the baby. So now we have both of her children and she is having visits twice a week with both of them. Well, I get a call from our SW yesterday saying that birthmom had called her and said our FD came to visits last week with bruises on her face and neck. I was floored....the only thing this child had was a small scratch on her nose that she woke up with a few days before - I'm talking very small. I explained this to the SW and she didn't really say too much and kind of dismissed it due to this not being documented by the visit supervisor. I am really concerned that this woman can make up lies about us and we just have to take this? I brought her to the doctor today and had the doctor check her all over and document that she had no marks or bruises on her body....the only mark is a birthmark on the side of her neck. Do I just need to suck it up and grow a tougher skin....or is there something I can do to protect our reputation? Thanks for letting me vent and any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!!
Darla

Adoptive Mom to Aaron & Ariana 2 yrs old
FM to D 8 months
FM to D 2 years

[hesabanana]

I would bring the accusation to the visit supervisor's attention, and ask him/her to document the children's physical condition in his/her notes. He/she sees the kids twice a week; significant bruises would not heal so quickly that they would not be evident on visits.

Unfortunately, I think this kind of thing happens fairly often. Protect yourself, but also learn to grin and bear it.

[BlessedByTwo121]

At each visit, before the birth mother arrives...I would have the social worker document the childs physical appearance. I would call in and document all falls and scrapes. its a pain in the butt but worth it in the long run. Sorry you are going through this.

[LadyBugz]

As you already have excellent advice, I won't repeat.

However, there is one thing I want to add. It is VERY common for birthparents to lob these types of accusations. Your reputation is not going to be ruined. I know it feels like such a massive blow to you personally when you are working so hard to take care of these children for HER and then SHE makes such wild accusations. But really, don't get worked up about it.

You are kind of an enemy right now. You have her children. The social workers know how it goes. Do like the others say (ask the visit supervisor to document the child's physical appearances) and just let the rest roll off your back.

[leaabc123]

This is pretty common. Since the visits are supervised, they should be checking the child out as well.

If our kids have any kind of cuts, scrapes, etc that are evident around visit time, I make sure and let the worker know.

B-mom for our girls will comment on any and everything that she can, from scrapes to runny noses, to hair styles.

[mab_123]

I had a situation where a teenager we had would tell her dad things like we were stricked and she can't get away with anything. The father would call me and chew me out because he felt like we were being to hard on his daughter. This went on for a few months and I just sat back and took it. Well finally I got tired of it and told the caseworker. She said to just take it with a grain of salt, that he hadn't called her and complained and if that did happen she would support us. I guess our situation was a little different than yours, but I do agree with the other posting with advice. As long as you have it documented and someone else(doctor, supervisor) then you should be ok.

[kforkids]

document, document, document! You've been given excellent advice- I'd suggest a notebook at home to document "things" in too. Yes, a pain, but so worth it...

[Aaronsmommy03]

Thanks so much for all of your advise. I did call the visitation supervisor this morning and asked her to give the children a "once-over" at each visit and document their appearance. The birthmother had never made any accusations like this about the baby, so I was stunned when this came up about FD. When we took the baby we were all under the impression that our home was full. We have two adopted children already (both 2) and with the baby....that was enough. So, when they called about our FD, we agreed only because she deserved to be with her brother and it was Christmas. Also, this child has no language skills (says about 5 words) and no social skills. So, needless to say, she is a handful. So I guess on top of all the extra stress of caring for her as well as the other 3, this just seems like a low-blow. My husband also agrees that I just need to let it go and concentrate on the kids....so that's what I am going to do. Thanks again for your kind words and advise.

Darla

Adoptive Mom to Aaron & Ariana - Age 2
FM to D - Age 8 Months
FM to D - Age 2

[brl]

I have fostered for six years, got only 2 abuse compliants by the same bio mom.

bruises!

After first complaint, took him to hospital, got him checked out.
no problem, gave copy of report to sw.
After second one took him to doctor had him checked out.
no problem , gave copy of report to sw.

Didn't wait for third one

started taking him to visits myself, would walk right past birth mom and take him into a changing room have sw sign kid was o.k., and make two copies one for the bio mom and one for the state.

no more problems!


I have a very high profile job, not high profile pay, just visable in the comminity. It drove me nuts to think this could destroy my reputation with these allegations. But, its part of the job.

Just remember, boi's have to prove this agianst you, they can lob complaints all day. If there is no smoke, the worst is it will be filed away unproven, or not even filed at all.

[ally123]

and I definitly understand your frustration. We have a 6 month old fs who has been with us since he was 2 weeks old. Bmom is always looking for something. Once she said he had redness on his privates and thought we were abusing him. She brought him to the doctor and refused to let the sw come in with her (sw should have gone in but didn't). She then lied about what the dr said and dhs had to do an investigation to be sure he wasn't being abused in any way. It was very heart wrenching. She complains that we don't keep him clean and that he is sick all the time because of us. He is a very healthy baby but in the month that he has started overnights with her he has had croup, 3 ear infections and a mild case of pnemonia- of course she blames all of these on us. One thing that helps us is that he goes to daycare and our daycare center helps document how clean he is and how well cared for is. Also the cw is aware of everything. I never hesitate to call the cw. It is hard emotionally though because we love this little guy so much. All the advice you have gotten is great. I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. Everyone tells me it is the bmom's mom of expressing her jealousy and anger at us for being the ones that have her child.

[radkat]

Allegations are pretty rough, but you learn to deal with it. It just goes along with being a foster parent. My son told his biomom he didn't have any shoes. The caseworkers had to come out and count his shoes and make sure they fit. (He had 5 pairs)

Always keep a camera available and photograph ANY marks you notice on the child. If you know where a bruise comes from write up an incident report. Just basically write down the date of the incident, time, what happened and if there were any witnesses. Keep these on file as long as you have the child in your home. Document everything.