[wenrl]

This was also posted on the special needs board...

We are moments away from switching our adoptive license to foster care. We're hoping to foster one girl between 5-8.

Our original plan was adoption, but that looks like it won't go anywhere since we want to stay in state and there isn't really a huge need for adoptive parents for girls in the age group we feel would be best for our family -- they mostly get adopted by foster families and visiting resources -- hence our change.

While we were waiting for an adoptive placement we furnished a room but didn't decorate and bought a small amount of toys and kept them packaged. Before T. moved in, we decorated the room and opened all the toys, so they were ready to go. We quickly regretted it because she wanted to know whose room she was taking and who used to own the toys. With this next placement I wanted her to have the option to do her own decorating and know the toys were just for her, because they are brandy new and untouched. I thought it would help her with the sense of "this is your home."

However, with a foster placement, even if it's longterm, I'm thinking all of that is not a good idea. I will leave the few toys in her room and let her keep them whether she stays or moves on, but I don't think she should be brought in with all the decorating and so on advantages of a permanent placement, not because I am an evil jerk, but because I think that would be too confusing and probably traumatic for a girl that age. She will probably be hoping to go home soon and the goal may be for her to do just that.

What does everyone think? What are some helpful and not helpful things to do when a foster child moves in? What will help them feel safe, loved and comfortable without giving them the impression you want to take them from their birth families and keep them forever when that goal isn't part of their plan at the time? Where is the line between welcoming a child and overwhelming her?

[LadyBugz]

Good question! I look forward to the answers!

I think one point that really sticks out is the impracticality of foster children making decorating decisions. You might be re-doing the room over and over and over again. That would become quite costly.

An idea that occurs to me would be to have a location where the child could really show her own flair. For instance, a blank bulletin board. She could decorate it with fabric, paper, art, photos, writings, etc. You could do a rather neutral room that was warm and inviting but not individualized. It would reinforce the message that she is in a safe place without imposing on her that it isn't her own.

You could also have a couple picture frames with neutral pictures that she could choose to put pictures of her family in. Then you wouldn't make a girl who doesn't have them feel bad (looking at empty frames) or a girl who does have them feel bad (not having frames to put them in).

Not having been in this situation, I can't comment on more, but I look forward to the responses from those who can!

ETA: Here's an example of what I was meaning. (Mods, it goes to an Opera how-to page and is not selling anything.) Click on See Demonstration.

That one is actually a bit more personality than I would want but I had trouble finding a page that wasn't a commercial link. However, what I have in mind is more of a B&B type feel. Warm and inviting, and yet quite neutral and classical. Traditional. That's the word! A place from which you could build on if the time ever came.

Personally, I would be weary of using pink for the central color. It would stink if you had a child who despised the color. No other color (in its presence or lack thereof) seems to illicit the same type of response than the one from a girl who hates pink.

[shycar]

I have two plain confortor. One is red in one side and other side is navy blue for a boy. Then I have a confortor that has purple on one side and pink on the other side. I also have simple lamps. The bedframe and dressor and the nightstand is white. I would just have simple blanckets, conforter, drapes, maybe a solid color. I also buy a stuffed animal that could be used for boy or girl and put it on the bed. You will see that the room starts out very simple and plain, but with time the child will start putting things that show her personality.

Like I said our little girls room started with just a plain conforter color purple and pink, and plain drapes. Now it has a pretty throw blanket that she choose. Stuffed animals she choose. Posters on the wall she choose. Drawings that she and her friends have drawn on her wall. Some small items that look cute on her dressor. her desk has her pencils she choose. So on and so on. Now its all her. When she leaves she will take all her things and I will stay with what I started for the next child.

Hope this helps good luck.
Shycar

[TexasJingles]

We got a bookcase headboard bedframe in white. For bed covers, I bought one that had different colors, kind of purple, blue and some burgandy. The room has burgandy carpet and navy blue blackout curtains (the window faces the street and we didn't want car headlights waking up anyone in the room). It would work for either boy or girl, but we had girl in mind. We bought a large teddy bear and put it on the bed.

Besides a dresser, that was it at 1st. Now, she has posters on the wall, pictures on the headboard, her favorite books of the moment, dolls all over the place. Oh, and when we adopted (or, when we signed placement paperwork rather), grandma bought her a bed set of her choice. The boys too.

OH yeah! I made a welcome poster for each of them, saying welcome to our house and that we were happy they were with us. That stayed up for months and months. I think C still has hers up. The boys ??? well, it's under some other posters I think (they have a corkboard in their room that was there from the room being an office). That's something I would have bought 2 of, had I known when I bought it years ago. It's large...2 1/2 ft by 4 ft or so.

[wenrl]

Thank you for posting. Those are all great ideas.

The only problem with "neutral" in my house is that neutral isn't in my vocabulary. White walls are banned from my home. Every room has a theme. Every room has color. Currently, our extra room is blue and purple with a few hints of pink. We will only have girls, so I thought that was a safe mix. Anyway, a neutral room in my house would be the "one of these is not like the other" room. Plus, my daughter who has the room across the hall is living like a princess in her bedroom. Her room is highly pink and full of Bratz houses, cars and play sets. My hope is that whomever we foster will be with us long term and have the same quality of life as our daughter while she is with us. I'm attaching a photo of our daughter's room.

I will keep the theme to the new room as neutral as possible without making the room look out of place in our home. I'll paint some artsy cat prints myself and put them up. There is a Hello Kitty quilt on there now. I love the bullitin board idea! I'm ordering one of those with criss-cross ribbons, so pins aren't necesary. I'm going to finish up the room over the weekend so it'll be ready to go. That's pretty exciting. I love decorating! It's a major obsession for me.

By the way, someone on another board mentioned getting a bucket with some personal care goodies: a hair brush, elastics, toothbrush etc. as well as a few school supplies to be placed in the room as a sort of welcome and this belongs to you thing. I think that is a fabulous idea!

How do you introduce new foster children to your homes? We visited with our daughter for a while before she came home, so there weren't any major surprises, because she already knew us and had seen photos of everything. Do you normally give a little tour right away and explain rules and safety etc.?

[wenrl]

This is the empty room as it appears now.

[karenw]

What great rooms!!! Even the "undecorated" one looks inviting. Even just changing the comforter could make a different look if she doesn't like Hello Kitty. What a lucky kid-keep us updated.
Karen

[TNfostermom]

When the sw brings the child they stay for about fifteen minutes. They introduce the child to you and give you some papers to sign. After they leave is a good time to show the child their room, the bathroom and then the rest of the house. We go shopping the next day (for clothes and whatever else they need) , you could also let the child pick out a poster for their room. A welcome basket is a great idea. I had a comb, brush, toothbrush and toothpaste on hand because most of our children have come with nothing but the clothes on their backs. Having a couple of summer and winter outfits in the different sizes of the children you will be taking will keep you from having to rush to the store, as well as nightgowns and panties. I keep all these in Wal-mart bags with the size written on it.

This would be a good thing to let your daughter help you with. Have her help you pick out things to put in your basket.

[tybeemarie]

Wow! What a beautiful room! I am amazed that's your idea of undecorated! Any little girl would be thrilled with that pretty blue room! I love the basket idea, too. You are very thoughtful!

[hubbyswife]

Well, DH and I decorated 2 rooms that had to be neutral, which was challenging. No, we don't have white walls either. One room we painted lime green, my dh and his friend were like that's an ugly color, but once it was on the walls they both loved it. Lime green can go with pinks, purple, or blue, greys, it's a neutral color. Well for the bedding I, that was hard without getting a solid color, I found a cute dog and cat bedding set that is neutral and went beautifully w the lime green. The other room, well we painted it a tan but it came out peachy, but I decorated w bold colors, red, blue, green, and I made it into a farm animal theme. It came out really cute. Then for the comforter I bought a beige comforter with some green sheet and striped colored pillow cases that had blue, yellow, red, purple, black. That room came out great too! I guess I'm just saying that neutral doesn't mean white walls. Also we just bought furniture for our FD room, it's tan w the blue top. Either war we can dress it up w accessories that reflect a boy or girl. The other room just has a captain bed that used to be DH's but it's neutral. As far as toys, we have a container with all kinds of things in it, some from DH's youth, and other things that are neutral, such as balls, blocks, legos, chalkboard, chalk, bubbles, crayons, stuffed animals, puppets,trains, cars, stamps, ABC electronic games. We didn't have any babies or specific girl/boy toys, I bought my FD a baby and then w Xmas she got around 4 more. Our FS we bought him things he liked, transformers, cars, spiderman. Those were his toys to keep but the neutral ones that we started with we keep. Hope that helps and makes sense.