[sassafras]

OK I have ordered the Love and Logic, ordered the parenting the hurt child but I feel like thhose books can't tell me MORE than people who have actually parented these kids. CAN they get better? Do I parent them like any other Kid? This child is full of hugs and kisses but more like full of hugs and kisses for EVERYONE. She does NOT follow the rules, lies, steals, etc. You know the drill I am sure! Any advice for the parenting, what works and what does not work? Thanks in advance!

[AmyAnne]

First, get her diagnosed with RAD by a professional.

Yes, they can improve. It will be WORK but they can improve

[sassafras]

Could you elaborate on that a bit? She has already been diagnosed with an ATTACHMENT disorder. Not sure if it's classified RAD or not but attachment none the less!

[Lorraine123]

Is she in attachment therapy? That is the only way she will heal. She cannot be in therapy that isn't attachment, like theraplay or any talk therapy. That will actually make her worse. In attachment therapy you will play a very important role. It is all about you and your child attaching. No one can do it for you. Its hard work, its tiring, its frustrating. But its the only chance she has. Step one - find an attachment therapist.

[AmyAnne]

Oh okay... I'm sorry... I missed that she'd been diagnosed with an attachment disorder.

Okay. Let's see, she has a therapist, then, I recall reading in one of your other posts?

Working with an attachment disordered kid is hard... it requires a lot of patience and moderation of reaction, which believe me is easier said than done! But it can work. I am amazed at the progress my guy's made in one year. He's got a long way to go still but this is not the same child as last year, that's for sure!

I would start with whatever you think is the biggest issue and get that under control first (not perfect, but managable) or I would ask the therapist for direction.

What does NOT work: In a lot of cases, taking things away for X number of days. What I've found works better is "I am taking this item and I am putting it in jail. To bail it out you have to earn it back" kinds of things.

The consequence should fit the crime, if possible.

You may have to keep switching your consequences, or you may not want to tell her the consequence ahead of time because that lets her decide if it's worth it to her.

When offering choices make sure that you can live with either choice.

"I see my necklacke is missing. You have two choices. You can tell me where you put it or you can go sit in your room until I find it." She clams up. "Okay, Go sit in your room until I either find my necklace or you're ready to tell me where you've hidden it."

[lucyjoy]

Parenting these kiddos is all about the attitude. Her goal is to drive you absolutely insane and if she's a good rad child, she'll be fantastic at it. Your job is to never let her see that she got you.

She doesn't do this out of meanness but to her the world appears unsafe. She has to be in control. The one thing she has learned is that stupid adults are unsafe. So, she will test you beyond means to be sure that you are a smart enough adult to keep her safe.

These kids do not learn from their mistakes. However, it is important to continue to give them logical and natural consequences so that they can eventually, as they heal, grasp the cause and effect concept so later on they will learn from their mistakes.

Never ask "why" as it is an invitation to lie. I have one kid who freezes if asked "why". Then he gives an unrelated answer that makes no sense. If I forget and try to reason with him, I'm gonna lose this battle as he will continue to make stuff up.

Try to control the interactions she has with adults. If she has bfamily visits, then she should interact with them and you and no one else that isn't absolutely necessary. She needs to learn to allow you (or bmom)to meet her needs. She needs to be taught appropriate boundaries with affection. Likely she's learned to hug and kiss to make people be nice to her. She needs to be hugged a lot, but by you or bmom, not strangers or other people.

You need to be sure when you look at her, even when you're angry, to do so with loving eyes and speak with empathy and softness in your voice.

Don't try to work on everything at once, you'll drive yourself crazy. If you make a mistake, you'll get an opportunity to try again.

Take care of yourself. You'll be pouring tons into this kid and getting nothing back for a long time. Don't forget to add fun things that help with bonding. Singing, playing, laughter-and this may be hard for her.
Kids need to play everyday-even really snarky ones.

[lucyjoy]

I'd be careful what statements you make. Some of these kids have amazing staying power. My son stole my wedding ring. If I told him to sit in his room or return it, he'd spend the rest of his life in his room even if he starved to death. Not all of my kids have that much staying power, but be careful what you say.

[sassafras]

No birthmom in the picture. I am the adoptive mom. I don't get it. I think she CAN attach to things because she is or seems attached to her siblings and pets etc. We live in a VERY RURAL AREA! I don't how the heck I am going to find an attachment therapist!