[swsoutherlands]

My husband & I met with our case worker, the kids' case worker, and the Guardian-ad-litem this morning. We were very open & honest about how the past 7 weeks have been and how we don't really consider ourselves to be a longterm solution-- meaning, we don't think we'd adopt our two foster kids if they became available. For over an hour we talked, I cried, they listened, we talked more. The case workers finally decided to find another placement for the kids and told us that it wasn't our decision that it was their's. After agonizing over whether or not to keep the two kids for the past two weeks, the decision is no longer ours to make. Oh, and it's been AGONY!!

I understand the reasoning and everything behind what they are doing, but I never expected how sad I would feel. And guilty and second-guessing. I keep thinking we should reconsider or do something different or MAKE it work. Those pesky "what-if" questions are swirling in my brain right now. It's soo hard to let go even though it was never a great placement and it wasn't what we wanted and it's been a tough, but still I can't help but wonder if I'm failing these kids or making a HUGE mistake or whatever.

I don't know what will happen next. I don't think I have any more tears to cry right now. I wrote on Tuesday about losing my enthusiasm and just haven't had the heart to check back in on the forum until today. Blah. There's no amount of training that EVER could have prepared for me this. I had NO idea it would be this agonizing.

[specialcricket]

I understand how you feel about it never being a good fit. Having two four year olds almost puts me over the edge some days. I have promised myself I will never accept another child the same age as mine. I can do babies all day, but not 4 year olds that compete and fight about everything. I have felt guilt over not being able to do it "forever" and thought how could I make it work, but in the end I know I can't.

So know you are not alone and "your kids" will come along. You have learned valuable lessons with this placement. Hang in there.

[Forever_family]

For what its worth I feel you have done the right thing. It wouldn't be fair to you or the children if you did not feel like parenting them but did it out of obligation. Expressing how you really feel can't be a bad thing. Try not to beat yourself up.

I'm a few weeks into being a foster mom and I already feel like my heart has been broken. I'm thinking its part of being a foster parent.

[brl]

We went through just about same thing.

We were fostering a boy we pretty much knew we would get to adopt (we did) - bio's deserted him early on in reunification process.

We took 2 other boys "foster to adopt" thinking we were going to save the world. Several weeks into it, the feeling just wasn't there. We fought it and fought it thinking it would work. Finally, we decided we could not "fake it" just to provide them stabiltiy and not love. They went back.
GUILT<GUILT< GUILT

A year later a church member told us they saw the boys with their adopted new family in target. THey talked to the parents and the boys were doing fine.

Decisions such as this are so hard! Perhaps there is another family for the kids. Who knows, if we did the deicon would be easy!

[swsoutherlands]

Last night my husband admitted that while he thinks we're making the right decision, he's sad that to see them go. He said that he's enjoyed coming home more because there's always one of the three kids who wants to see him. Our bio daughter has always been a momma's girl and that's been hard for him. Our foster daughter knows that too and has "targeted" my husband as hers in reaction.

I feel more peaceful about it today though I don't know how we'll handle the actual leaving process. And I have no idea when that will be. I sure hope that our next placement feels much better and has much less guilt than this one. I never expected how many times I'd feel like a loser for having such a struggle with this one.

[Withay]

SW -

Know that you are not the only person who has ever felt this way. You would be doing the children a disservice if you kept them out of guilt.

Please, allow yourself to grieve their leaving. I always (even after 35 kids) let myself have one night when the kids are in bed when I allow myself to cry, if I feel like it. The tears are healing and should be allowed to flow. I'm not saying to go overboard, but do allow yourself to feel. I usually cry for about an hour and then, even though I still feel the loss, I am able to handle it so much better.

It never gets easier, but I have found that if I 'let go and let God' share my grief that it helps tremendously.

Talk with another, more experienced foster parent in your area, if possible. Their physical hugs can work wonders.

Sending cyber-hugs and prayers your way.

Blessings,
Lynda

[parentto2teens]

We have been fostering children for 11 years and in that time we have fostered over 26 children. Right now we have a sibling group (G- 13 and B-14) that is leaving in a few days. The fd has reactive attachment disorder and the boy has some violent, sexual and intimidating acting out. We had know them before and took them on a temp basis. Kids had been separated into different homes. The SW said this will not work and they didn't want kids together. We said we wanted to **TRY** becasue they were already here Even though all professionals said it would NOT work and even Psychologist said it would NOT work we tried anyway. We have been told that kids did really well here overall.

During the beginning - before acting out started - bonding had started. This was BEFORE the Boy intimidated me and called me a b***h and dumped garbage on me. He has also been threatening at school to another female teacher and other smaller students. He is 5'10 and 230+. I am 5'1 and 160. My husband is also short at 5'7 and 160. This boy is supposed to be 6'3 + and 250+ pounds and he is already intimidating.

Both kids can you look you in face and bold face lie to you. They have lied to me on so many occasions and minimize actions and behaviors so that I feel like I am crazy because I know what they did.

Just today the FS's principal called me at school (I am a teacher now) and told me that FS had been sexually harrassing another student through the use of Myspace.com. Police were called and the boy even lied to police for over an hour. He (FS) was so good at lying that had the principal not had the proof he wouldn't have known boy was lying. The boy is personable and can be well liked. He was bullied alot and now he has become a bully. He can be superficially charming. My husband and I were concerned that he acts like a wife abuser.

Both kids lie about grades and pretty much everything they can to keep themselves out of trouble.

Girl lies repeatedly about grades - so does boy for that matter. FD was posting provocative pictures of herself on myspace.com.

Also, I recently found out that their aunt has been trying to adopt them for several months. She is in navy and has one child. She is full natural sister to the kids mom.

So, I know that there will never be more than a superficial bond so I tell social worker that she was right and we were wrong and we can't adopt them or keep them. They only came on temp placement and we did try. But, my life has been miserable.

EVERY WEEK it is something new for bad behaviors. The boy has also harrassed other kids. But, he comes off at home as this sweet innocent -- until he was intimidating to me that is.

Also recently found out that my health needs some serious attention for several months - am a diabetic.

Told SW that we just cannot do this. Been telling her all along about behaviors. In previous placement the boy smoked alot of pot, drank beer and tried to build malitoff cocktails. Seeks out pornography, etc.... Girl stole things from FP's and sold them at school, calls FP's b***hes, w***es, etc.... She has not been able to bond with anyone - even her own grandmother she treats with disdain. Grandmother tried to raise them and couldn't keep them. She said that even at age 2 and 3 kids came to them with really bad behavior.

Boy and girl beat on each other. They have threatened each other with knives at grandmothers and police were called. Mind you - boy is LARGE and girl is tiny at 4'10 and 80lbs. Boy sits on sister to suffocate her (triple her weight).

THEN.............on top of everything else, the kids were using myspace and the birthmom found them and emailed me telling me what a horrible job I was doing --- when she really doesn't know how badly behaved her own kids are because she hasn't been with them much since they were 2 and 3. I WILL NOT CO PARENT WITH ANY BIO PARENT. I have been doing this too long (11 yrs) to know how badly it can turn out when I try to do that.

THE SW is upset with me for NOT keeping them when she told me it wouldn't work, the psychologist said it wouldn't work and the behaviors have escalalated with these kids.

So, I feel sad that it didn't work becasue we did put alot of work in over last 6 months. We even remodeled our house to make room for girl becasue I was looking for a girl/girl adoptive sib group ages 5-10.

But it is better to cut our losses and get these kids out.

On top of all that --- they have been triangulating my natural from birth - 16 yr old daughter against me. FD is expert at this. They go to her and tell her how terrible I am because I disciplined them for this or that. then, my daughter tells me "you should hear what they say" and also says that the boy shouldn't talk to me that way - how dare he treat me with such disrespect, etc...

But she is in the middle.

I only see this getting much much worse. All other placements of kids said bad behaviors with these 2 START at the 4-5 month mark and that is when it started.

Another thing.......I am a former CPS SW. I teach now so I am available to adopt and have more time off from work. I just keep getting kids that I can't adopt.

I told our private agency SW that we WILL NOT take any more long term kids. We will only do short term - less than 90 days and respite visits for preplacement to get to know kids before adoption. Goal was adoption. After 26 kids though I am so burnt out.

Next few months I am taking care of myself. I am grieving over loss but am SO very relieved I don't have to parent these kids. I am so relieved that I had the guts to say this isn't working.

Yeah me...........I stood up for myself. No more doormat.

Whew. Comments?