[hesabanana]

As some of you know, my fs was freed last week and my husband and I are thrilled.
But...we also have our fd, our fs's sister. We have had her five months and truly believe it is in her best interest to stay. In her case we have a 19 year old who claims to be her father who has as many problems as her bmom. We go back to court for her on 1/24.
How do you all handle the constant anxiety of this process? It is really difficult not to allow it to consume me.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I understand what you are saying. We finalized Bug on Dec 30. We still have to wait for TPR of Bear. Bmom relinquished, but b-dad is still trying to fight for "his rights". Let me say that b-dad is in JAIL!! We are talking 10-LIFE. Why?? Because he is a sex offender. The reason he is currently incarcerated is because of his actions that led to the conception of Bear! Bmom was 13 at the time of conception. You would think that they would not even give him the time of day. BUT, he is allowed his day in court. Crazy isn't it?

As we understand, he will be denied, they will grant TPR, and we are supposed to file the adoption petition RIGHT away. Unlike Bug wehere we had to wait the 30 day appeal time, they are expecting him to appeal, and the appeal to be denied. At the 30 da mark they want us to go in and finalize so that bdad's mother can't then petition for custody. They can just say "he has been adopted".

That is my anxiety. What is there is some loop hole that she can eventually come back and have the whole thing overturned? I wish I could offer some support in how NOT to go crazy, but I have a hard time with it myself at times. I guess sometimes just knowing that you are not alone is often comforting. Best of luck to you.

[mallory4]

Hesabanana,

Sounds like an anxiety-provoking situation, alright. There have been times when I have thought about R's situation and it has made me feel sick to my stomach with nerves.

What worked for me, to help me feel less anxious, was to make a list of everything that would have to happen in order for the worst-case scenario to happen. In our case, that was that R would be given to his bdad or bgrandpa.

I don't know just what your worst-case scenario is, but as an example I will use fd being given to the 19 year old.

First, paternity would have to be proved--he may not be the dad.
Then, he would have to be given a plan to work or pass a homestudy--which he might not do.
Meanwhile, he might be allowed visits--which he might no-show for or otherwise mess up.
Or, he could send in a relative--who also would have to pass a homestudy--which they might not do.
Meanwhile, as time is passing, she is spending that time in your home, which may matter when the judge is deciding TPR or placement. At the very least, it will matter if she is sent to bios and then in the future is put back in foster care--you may get her back.

Making my list like that made me see how likely it was that R would stay with us, and how, even if he was sent away, it wouldn't be suddenly, which was my real horror.

Also, I posted the facts of his case as I knew them on the foster to adopt board and on the social worker point of view board, and asked people to give me the odds. They did, and that helped me relax. And it turns out they were all right!

We read so many times on the boards about kids being sent home, it is easy to be scared. But there are also lots whose parents never get it together.
Hope this helps some, take a deep breath!

[madfostermomma]

I didnt realize an appeal could be denied does anyone know if thsi is true for all states?

[teachtofost]

I know how you feel. I didn't worry about adoption until the CW told me that they were ready to file for TPR. They haven't identified the birthfather. So they would be terminating on an unknown father. I have had baby since birth, 6 months, and no birthparent visits yet.

Before I could just pretend that it would be a long time. It helped me not worry about what could happen. Now I worry about some family member coming forward at the last minute and taking him.

So right now I just try to enjoy each day and not think about the near future.

I hope your case goes smoothly and works for the best of your child.

[Boulderbabe]

Seriously......I worked and worked on a way to deal with all the anxiety. And in the end, only three things really helped:

1) Crying
2) Drinking
3) TPR (the only one that worked on a long term basis!)


Sorry....wish there were some way to make it easier.

[mallory4]

Madfostermama,

It depends on what you mean by denying the appeal. I don't think he can be denied the right to appeal in any state, but he can appeal and the appeal can be denied, which is what I think Bugs & Bearsmommy means.

According to our son's GAL, once the TPR court date is set, nothing the bparent does is likely to change the outcome--unless they or their attorney shows that there was a flaw in the legal process leading up to TPR. For example, if they weren't correctly notified of their plan, hearing dates, etc. Since this is usually gone over and proved to be in order before TPR is ordered at the TPR hearing, the odds of a parent having legitimate grounds for appeal are slim. So the appeals are usually denied.

According to the attorneys at R's TPR hearing, most bparents only appeal because the lawyer is free.

Hope this helps.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I am sorry...that is what I meant. His appeal on the TPR decision will be denied. I also forgot to mention that he is in for 10-life. CW has been in contact with the state atturney general and he has confirmed that regardless of how liberal the Pacific Northwest tends to be, there is no way anyone would rule in his favor. Where he even thinks he has a shot in you-know-where is beyond me. As for HIS mother, the reasoning there is because he IS a level 3 offended (non-rehabilitatable) and he continues to live with her whole he is not in jail...she is not a good placement. Just sickening isn't it.

Maybe I should try the drinking thing??

[hesabanana]

And so it goes...we attended our fd's service plan review today. The county worker totally backed down from his hard line stance because bmom's attorney was there. Bmom is back at the same long term rehab she was thrown out of over the summer due to use, and they are insisting she can't stay unless our fd is there with her (it is a program for women who are pregnant or parenting). This facility is unbelievable, covering up positive toxes, offering to supervise visits yet no staff were present when I arrived to pick my fs up, and conducting visits (picking my fs up and having him for three hours) when bmom isn't there so that she doesn't get in trouble for missed visits. She just surrendered our fs last week, the day of her termination trial. Thankfully, the county worker's boss was there today and held the line. But, we go back to court on 1/24 and God only knows what will happen. Please keep us in your thoughts.

[Luvbeingmommy]

Any updates? What happened at court?

[hesabanana]

When we went to court, bmom's attorney requested referral to a drug court. Apparently, although the oversight in this court is stricter, there is the expectation that parents struggling with addiction will relapse along the way. Also, bmom is in a rehab that requires that she be pregnant or have a child in her custody within the first 90 days of placement (by february 28) or else she has to leave, and the drug court would be more inclined to place the baby with her. Strangely, the law guardian did not object to the request as he had stated he would, which worried my husband and I. The judge agreed to make the referral, but scheduled us to return on february 14 in the event the referral was not accepted. The judge sent bmom and her attorney directly to the other court for an intake assessment.
After court, the law guardian spoke with us and assured us that he was confident bmom would not be accepted at the drug court. He further added that he had no expectation of the baby being returned to bmom prior to february 28 as bmom currently gets only one hour of supervised visitation weekly.
The law guardian called me at work about an hour later to advise bmom was not accepted at the drug court.
Thanks for everyone's support!