[6furbabies]

Hello,

I am single and I am starting my training classes this week. Yesterday, I was talking to a single friend who has also been considering foster care. We were talking about how much our lives will change once we become foster parents. One thing my friend brought up was dating. Of course, I am aware that that part of my life will change some (although I have to admit, it's not like I'm going out on dates every weekend or anything anyway!). She seemed to think that dating while being a foster parent would be a very bad idea. Her point of view is that it would be difficult on the children and besides that, who would want to date a foster parent?

I thought this over some and I feel that just like any other kind of parenting, it is a decision that will need to be based on the individual child and the individual parent. I would never leave a newly placed child to go out on a date, first of all. I realize that we will need time to bond to each other first. But, I don't see how it would be detrimental to the child if I was to go out after I feel the child is settled and comfortable with me and my home. I haven't thought through the details about who I'd leave the child with. My mom is the logical choice and she's been very supportive of me thus far with my talk of foster care. But, in my county, you have to be a certified foster parent in order to watch the child for more than "a couple" of hours. Is this normal procedure? I know that 2 hours is not really set in stone, but I also don't want to do anything to get myself in trouble!

Lastly, as for the question about who would want to date a foster parent... I wouldn't want to date anyone who wouldn't want to date a foster parent, so that's not something I'm going to bother myself with!

[TexasJingles]

The only rules we have with who can watch our foster kids are:

1. respite care provider (with our agency, we earn one paid day of respite per month and you can collect them). This means either the kids are at their house, or some will do respite in our house and the agency pays for it.

2. authorised care-taker -- which for us was dh's mom. She took 3 classes that were required by our agency (as well as a background check, which we did on everyone in her house...just in case) and then she could watch them at our house. This came in handy when the kids were sick and had to come home from school. Also, when we want "date night", which even married couples need.

I wouldn't listen to your friend about dating and fostering. If the person is right, then they will encourage you, not walk away. If you just need a night out, then do respite like the rest of us (which can be the day, night or weekend at our agency).

[echobunny89]

Hi there! I know where I am (Rhode Island) you can have someone babysit a foster child as long as they are at least 18 and the child's SW has done a background check on them. You just can't leave the child with the babysitter for longer than 24 hrs.

I am engaged now but was a single parent to 4 very young children (2,3,5,7) when I re-entered the dating scene 8 yrs ago. It never seemed to scare potential dates away and that was probably because men see me as a very independent, successful woman who also just happens to be a mom of 4 (now 7!). The men I did date usually told me it was my independence and the fact that I was able to support myself without a man is what attracted them to me. Usually when a man sees a woman with child(ren) in tow they will get scared away if they think the woman is just looking for someone to take care of her and her kids. I remember being asked out, within weeks of each other, by a single-dad in my girl's ballet class and also the bakery manager at the market I shopped at and thinking "Good God! Don't they see all the kids I have? If I was them I would go screaming down the street in the opposite direction!" But the funnist thing I remember is being approached by a very ethnic Portuguese nieghbor (his family was straight from Portugal) with a marriage proposal (I had only dated him a couple of times at this point). Apparently his family thought it was time for him to get married and figured since I was so good with kids, I was the perfect canidate! I kindly turned him down and are still good friends with him today. I was recently asked out by a professor friend (I was in one of his classes a few years ago and we became friends) and the fact that I now have 7 kids to tend to didn't bother him a bit. Of course my finacee wasn't too happy about him asking! But again, it was my independence that caused his attraction to me. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think that being a foster parent will detract men from wanting to go out with you and it is a good way to weed out the men who don't like children. Of course, on the other end of the spectrum, be careful of who you do go out with and make sure they are not asking you out just to get access to your children (child molesters ect)

Just because you become a parent (bio or foster) doesn't mean your life has to stop. We all need to "get out" once in awhile and be adults. As long as we put our kids first, we shouldn't feel guilty about needing some "me" time. I think it makes me a better parent to get away from the kids for a few hours and recharge my batteries. I try to get out maybe once a month but I will admit it has been a couple of months since I've gotten out with my fiancee because transitioning the girls is taking most of time nowadays.

[AmyAnne]

Furbabies,

In VA you can use a respite service, or you can have a friend go through the background checks, at which point they can watch your child but not overnight. For overnight, we used waiting families within our agency who had completed training. We tried to use a respite service but it didn't work out for us, they were so disorganized!

[6furbabies]

Thank you for your responses! I'm glad to hear that single and married foster parents are still able to go out sometimes without the children!

AmyAnne, do you know if this is the whole state of VA? I have a family member who lives in another county than I do and she has a foster child. Her county (she didn't go through an agency) told her it was fine to have the child stay with another relative overnight. The other relative had not been through any training and hadn't even had a background check! Yet, my county said no one could watch the child unless they'd at least had a background check. They had to be a certified foster parent to watch them overnight. Again, we both live in VA, just different counties. Thanks!

[AmyAnne]

I went through a private agency, so I really don't know if it holds true for all of VA.

[6furbabies]

My training starts tomorrow, so I'll just add this question to my list of questions I have started already! Thanks.

[mckenna]

when i was going through training, i had anyone i thought i might use as a baby sitter fill out a background check. you never know when you will get a placement and i wanted to be prepared. it worked for me cuz i had a wedding to go to a couple weeks after my first placement and i did not have to stress about rushing to get background checks on my parents, so they could babysit.

[brl]

You are doing a good thing preparing before hand, it will change your life, it is 24/7, but it is not a jail sentence.
Is there a foster parent assn. in your area to find out about who can keep kids in your state? They always have good advice.

About Dating? When it is right, all the foster kids in the world couldnt' stop the right man from dating you!

Also, the kids might run off the crumbs you didn't need to waste time dating anyway!

[Boulderbabe]

I'm also a single mom. It's possible to date, but the logistics can be complicated!

What worked best for me was becoming friends with three other families that were in my support group. It seemed like there was always somebody who was willing to just take my kid over to play with their kids if I wanted to go out. And since they were certified foster parents, it was perfectly fine with DSS if my son stayed overnight.