[Zoe_B]

Nathan,

Two things:

The eye appointment, shows that Michael has Coloboma, in the right eye. The outward drift in that same eye, is apparently unrelated to the coloboma. It is something that might need surgery in the future, but will need to be monitored with another check up in 6 months.

Our other issue, is his possible attachment disorder. He is a very sweet, lovable guy upon first impression. But, after spending several weeks with him, it is apparent he does not want to be "cuddled" and avoids eye contact for more than a fleeting second. His "play" consists mostly of throwing things, and trying to break toys and books. This has been very difficult to differentiate between "normal" 19 month old behavior, and abnormal behavior...but it just felt like he is MORE in so many ways. After reading up on some attachment disorder sites, he does show many of the "red flag" signs.

We have tried to initiate some of the therapeutic recommendations, and I am sure, given time, these things might help him a lot:

Bottle feeding (as if he was a newborn), with rocking and encouraging eye contact.
Picking him up and cradling him back, telling him "I love you," each time he is doing a "no-no" behavior,

But, with two young children already, it is turning out to be too much for us. Its been survival mode for us since day one. We gave ourselves until January first to decide if this placement was going to work. We had to be honest with ourselves, Michael, and DHS and admit it is not working out.

Please let us know how we can assist in a transfer ASAP.

Zoe

Does that sound okay? I think I feel ill.

[Zoe_B]

Weird, my arms are actually tingling and numbish from hitting the send button...doubt, doubt, doubt, guilt.

[4inma]

hi there,

There is nothing to feel guilty about. Some of these children do bring alot of baggage with them.

I am sorry it isn't working out for your family. But also realize it hasn't been a long time for the child to feel comfortable anyway. He could even be testing, alot of these kids do act out after the honeymoon period.

On the other hand, you know whats best for you and your family, and if it isn't working, then it is probably best to move the child before the child does 'attach' to you.

I would also like to suggest that maybe you shouldn't foster children until your other children grow up some more. Foster kids bring so much too the family and then to have two little ones already in the home is alot. It's just not fair for your birth kids or the foster children. Foster kids need so much attention, that at this point, your children are too young to fully understand why you need to give the foster child alot more attention.

You shouldn't feel guilty. This happens alot. But it should be a good time for you and your family to evaluate yourselves and really think if you are up to be a foster parents at this stage of your lives.

(I did read your blogs, and from what I noticed your husband really wasn't into being a foster parent. It's alot of work, and both of you should really want to do this, some of these children are tough and if you both are not on the same page, it could be hurtful to the child.)

[Zoe_B]

Exactly!

This was our first placement, and it really taught us what fostering is all about. We really had no idea, until we dove in, and it really is a lot more than anyone can know, without experiencing it.

I have learned that it is just not right for us at this time in our lives. I did put everything I had into it, to make sure all our kids are geeting everything they need...but it is leaving absolutely nothing left for myself. And I am exhausted!

[mcnh63]

Don't feel guilty!!!
All things happen for a reason. You are doing what is best for all involved. You have given it great thought and effort. Sometimes it takes more courage to know when it is time to make a change.
Good luck with this difficult time. Our thoughts are with you !!!

[Faith65]

Zoe,

please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. May you find peace in your dession and others that don't parent a foster child/ren don't know the real test. Even trying to explain to them what it is like one just doesn't know until they walk in one's shoes.

Keep us posted.

[Navy_RP_Wife]

I have read so many threads tonight looking for help with our fs B who is doing a great job of making us bang our heads on a wall, B and his sister M are also our first placements. But in a month and a half have learned some valuable things:
1. They never act or react the way you expect or want them to.
2. They actually are waiting for us to get rid of them just like everyone else (we always tell them they are here until they go home to mom).
3. Do to the things they have seen or experienced, they are driven to do things to just get your attention.
4. You can not always treat them the way you do your own. (we are much harder on our bio son than them, though everyone is expected to follow the rules and help around the house)
5. These kids need the most love, time and understanding (even when banging your head on a wall.)
6. Only you can decided if to much is too much. If you feel like you can not do the best by them, then even though it hurts, its time to ask for a move.

We have requested more counseling for B because behaviorly, he is worse then his sister. He is 3 she is 6. These kids really are waiting for us to get rid of them and have told us this in the same breath as telling us they like it here, but wished they were with their mom. That hurts me to hear they wishing they were with mom when she is the one who goofed them up so bad!! No, we do not tell them this or show any indication to them we feel that way sometimes. What I can tell you is that our bio son will be 10 in March and when we found out B and M were coming, we explained to him that they came from a mom who did lots of things wrong to them so that at times they would need more of our time and attention, that he would need to wait. But they would also be told to wait when they needed attention and he was recieving it. Bat the ae of 3 has a history of inappropiately touching others in their private areas and we told K this might happen and what to do if B touched him (which he has and K dealt with it calmly because he knew why and what do). We really stressed to him that they have had a bad life and we were going to be helping them learn how to be kids again. K then felt apart of what this and at his age he needed the information to function properly. Some would disagree with this, but to date the only problems we have had between K and B and M is normal sibling arguements. K even intros them as his brother and sister! Prehaps waiting until your children are older and can understand why these kids do what these kids to would be helpful. Thats a choice for you to make.

Best of luck!

[Zoe_B]

I agree with evrything you say, Lori.

And its not even related to our kids not understanding a decline in attention...or fs being overly needy (well, maybe). Its that I am giving them ALL the attention they need...and all of them are not in school yet, so its just too much for us. Maybe we will be able to start up again when the kids are older.

Plus, I still have my two year old nursing frequently at night. I don't know what I was thinking...but, honestly, life seemed so quiet and boring before, lol. Who knew, one little extra could tip us over??

Thanks for all the supportive replies!

[Navy_RP_Wife]

I am not even close to being in your situation since my kids are almost exactly three years apart. But my bio son will be 10 in March and when he wanted to play outside, he did. When I wanted some quiet time for myself, within reason I got it. NMow, poor K has two of them that are glued to his side, they think their older brother is the coolest thing on earth, lol!! But its not fair for him to try and keep track of a child outside who doesn't listen to anyone about anything. Nor is it feasible for me to be outside as much as B wants. Plus I homeschool K. Thankfully, B started headstart today due to his special needs and its back to just me and K home in the morning. Ahh, what a relief it was to have the house quiet for a change, lol!! I love these kids to death, but like you, sometimes I really miss the simplicity of having just an older child like K. I wonder what the heck we did, why did we bring all this chaos into our home voluntarily. But with these kids being the age they are, its easier because you can reason with them. I believe if I have so many young children as you do, I would be nuts. Heck, I am nuts, lol!!! I know why we did this: we are hoping to adopt but it seems there aren't enough kids for all the people wanting them here in Hawaii, so we decided to help and foster while we wait. I am not sure if this is for us either. WE have secondary infertility and it kills me to see the "damage" this mother so carelessly inflicted on these innocent children. She has two beautiful children and couldn't see that. She is lucky that these kids love her as much as they do, because we are really upset that the state is trying to send these children home again!! She only had them back at the most 8 months when they were taken again!! This is our first placement and it sure makes me upset to see how the state is handling this all. It seems so wrong...

Best of luck!

[Zoe_B]

That sounds so frustruating, Lori! The poor kids. I hope you get your adoptable child soon I have a new found respect for mamas who adopt. We just wanted to foster, and I can see now how much effort it takes to get these kids to develop a healthy relationship with their new parents. Lots-o-work, lol.