[madfostermomma]

Okay it's been over 5 weeks now since my two fost adopt sons have arrived and instead of becoming more patient with them I find myself losing my temper and yelling more than I care to admit. The oldest one ( age 4) calls me every 3 minutes to show me - anything! I understand he's craving attention but after 5 weeks of this-I have to admit I'm losing my mind. I've heard of the honeymoon period being over for kids but do foster parents go through this too?

[Kate1129]

Short Answer: YES!!!!!

I found myself doing much of the same. It takes time, but eventually you get use to it and it does get better!

Hang in there!

[tybeemarie]

It's a big transition to make, that's for sure. Kids from foster care are usually quite damaged and if you feel really angry and frustrated and irritated, that is because your sons INTEND for you to feel really angry and frustrated and irritated. That's the big difference with kids from loving families or even just non-toxic families, and the kids who come to us from foster care. I think in foster pride classes, they should directly tell people: "You will experience levels of irritation that you never dreamed existed. You may very well lose important relationships in your life as a result of being a foster parent. This is, bar none, the most demanding, difficult task a human being can face."

Eventually, you will feel more peace. One, because you will teach the kids how to live in civilized society--how to eat at the table, how to attend to personal hygiene, how to do basic chores--two, because they will feel more trust and may test you a bit less, three because you will become accustomed to living in relative chaos.

If your kids have attachment issues, then they will REALLY be annoying. They will test you by seeing if you will allow them to interrupt your conversations, if you will repeat yourself, if you lose it when they do property damage, etc. Nancy Thomas is the author of When Love is Not Enough, and she has excellent, practical suggestions for how to nip these "Chinese water torture" behaviors off at the bud. I would not get through this without her!

A primary principle of therapeutic parenting is that you MUST take care of yourself. Get lots of sleep. How? Put the kids to bed early. Eat well. Drink enough water. Take time for yourself every day and do something you enjoy. Post here often. Exercise. Meditate. Pray.

The first 6 months I had the kids were so stressful, and those who haven't done it don't know. But the people here do. It will get better. Hang in there.

[Lorraine123]

YES!!! Everyone goes through a honeymoom period. Even other children you have at home. Think of it like this - if you have visitors in your home for an extended time, you are pleasant and hospitable at first even when you don't feel like it. After a while this gets old and you get grumpy. Its normal.

I agree with Tybeemarie. Its very likely that the child is doing this on purpose. This is for a couple of reasons: One, the child may be used to and more comfortable in an environment where the adults are angry and they may be trying to re-create that chaos. Second, the child may be feeling comfortable in your home and the comfort is scary to them. In their mind, they will be leaving soon and if they leave a parent who is angry it isn't quite so hard.

It could also be a control issue as opposed to him craving attention. The child may know that you want to meet all his needs and if he calls you will stop what you are doing and respond. He may be testing you or seeing how far he can get you to jump. You need to set limits. Let him know that you will give him undivided attention at a certain time, but you have other things to do in the meanwhile. It is unhealthy for a child to have that much power if indeed he has control problems.

Make him realize that you are the adult of the home. You decide when you will respond. You decide when enough is enough. The sooner you set these boundaries the better. And in time, they won't be boundaries, they will just be the way the household runs.

[AmyAnne]

Tybee and I were in the same boat. I remember one day, about 6 weeks after Austin's placement. He had been clingy, demanding, pushing me away, and starting fights. I opened the window, saw 3 inches of snow, and realized school would be cancelled and promptly crawled back into bed and burst into tears.

There's still "THOSE DAYS". We're having one today, actually (We're paying for letting Austin stay up until midnight. On the upside, we haven't paid for it with a tantrum. He has been argumentative a little bit until he realized he was losing "points", and then drew in marker all over the box to a board game, resulting in the markers being confiscated and under "adult rule".. which means he can only use the markers with the permission and supervision of an adult and the markers are now someplace he cannot access. He also had to help me clean the sock the black marker got on.)

Tybee's right... if you do not take care of yourself, you cannot be expected to take care of the boys! As she said, put them in bed early. One thing we do here, is we have one night a week when Austin is fed his supper at 5:30 (Tonight! YAAY!) Then I put him through the bedtime routine about 7:30 or 8:00 (whenever his bedtime is that week) while DH fixes dinner or gets takeout. This allows us one night a week where we have "Adult-only" dinner. We tend to break the rules that night... have soda or iced tea instead of the usual milk,water,juice choices we allow with meals, we may skip the veggies or have a little extra dessert. But the main thing is, it's a BREAK from the enforced routine. We usually let Austin have something he likes such as Kid's Cusine (Bleah! but he loves it) or hot dogs or Chinese takeout or grilled cheese so that it's not a punishment to him.

If you are a stay at home mom, I would also look into your local community center or church and see if they offer "Mommy's morning out", where they do a fun age-appropriate activity for 2-3 hours so you can get your hair done or a hot bath or do the grocery shopping without the "Mommy, can I have this?" song and dance. (I am assuming your kids are not of school age, since you said your oldest is 4?)

Anyhow, as Kate said, it's normal to lose your temper especially in the beginning! One of my social workers told me once that it doesn't matter if you lose your temper. THAT is not the important part. The important part is that they can drive you insane and you'll still feed them and not put them out on the doorstep and you'll apologize and hug them and reconnect when you're back in control

[AmyAnne]

Originally Posted by FH-Lorraine123

YES!!! Everyone goes through a honeymoom period. Even other children you have at home. Think of it like this - if you have visitors in your home for an extended time, you are pleasant and hospitable at first even when you don't feel like it. After a while this gets old and you get grumpy. Its normal.

I agree with Tybeemarie. Its very likely that the child is doing this on purpose. This is for a couple of reasons: One, the child may be used to and more comfortable in an environment where the adults are angry and they may be trying to re-create that chaos. Second, the child may be feeling comfortable in your home and the comfort is scary to them. In their mind, they will be leaving soon and if they leave a parent who is angry it isn't quite so hard.

It could also be a control issue as opposed to him craving attention. The child may know that you want to meet all his needs and if he calls you will stop what you are doing and respond. He may be testing you or seeing how far he can get you to jump. You need to set limits. Let him know that you will give him undivided attention at a certain time, but you have other things to do in the meanwhile. It is unhealthy for a child to have that much power if indeed he has control problems.

Make him realize that you are the adult of the home. You decide when you will respond. You decide when enough is enough. The sooner you set these boundaries the better. And in time, they won't be boundaries, they will just be the way the household runs.

I must've been writing at the same time as Lorraine, I missed this post. She's ALSO right. Your FS needs to understand that you cannot and will not come running every second he "needs" you. Austin once had a bad tamtrum because I did not come running to hear some advertisement they play no less than 40 times a day on the radio. The reason I didn't come? I was in the bathroom.

One thing that might work is to try "room time"... this is time where your kids are to play quietly in their own room, independently. You may want to start with 10 minutes and eventually work up to half an hour. They can earn a reward, like a gold star or dessert, or a small trinket from the dollar store or 10 minutes of TV time or something for completing "Room time" without calling you or getting in trouble, because there'll have to be a reason for them to WANT to do this until they're used to it. I usually schedule "room time" for when I need to make phone calls or when I'm trying to cook supper. Austin fought this concept tooth and nail in the beginning but now is okay with it. He may not like it sometimes, but he'll go at least.

We use it for 3 reasons: 1. We are losing our temper with Austin. 2. Austin is becoming overstimulated and needs to calm down. 3. We are doing something that Austin tends to start using attention-seeking behavior during (talking on the phone, talking to each other, etc)

We think it accomplishes a couple of things: 1. He is learning to play independently 2. He's learning that he can play without us and we'll still meet all his needs 3. He has a chance to calm down if he needs it... and in fact he has voluntarily sent himself to have "Room time" recently.

[dadfor2]

well, the honeymoon period can be very short lived for some kids.

but i also wanted to disagree with them 'doing it on purpose' to get you angry.

i think some kids do this, but not all do.

these two boys are very young, so they are looking for attention due to the lack of attention that they had in their pasts.

they need to feel safe, and they probably dont even realize it at that age, but they want to see you. they want to make sure you are still there.

i do think they are testing but they arent doing it on purpose, they are doing it to survive!!!

now here is where people will go after me...lol

my suggestion is cater to those needs (yes, it will make you crazy) but in time those attention getters will lessen.

let them know that you are there and you are very very interested in everything they have to say, show you, or whatever it is they want.

if they demand things. ask them to say please and then get it for them. I disagree that we need to set the boundaries right off the bat, i think some our kids have missed out on the 'when i cry, mommy gets me my bottle' thing.....so for attachment reasons, we did this..(not so much with a bottle, but with the demands)

yes, it became exhausting, but in time, trust build and attachment also. our kids missed out on alot of that stuff.

I think this is extremely important in the beginning to let them know that you are taking care of them and you havnt disappeared.

in time, things should quiet down, but it can take a while. 5 weeks is NOT a LONG time at all...this kinda of attachment building takes alot of work in the beginning, but hopefully they 'get it'

just felt i had to pipe in for the boys, i dont think they are doing it on purpose in a spiteful way, but more for a
survival way and they might not even know they are doing it.....its just automatic for them. just as babies scream and cry when they want something.

our goal is to re-wire their brains and try to fill in some of the pieces of things that they might of missed when they were growing up in a dysfunctional home

just adding my two cents to maybe look at it differently. I didnt want you to think that the boys need to be punished or something because they are asking you to look at something.

I think 5 weeks is way to short of time to really figure out why the boys keep callling you so i would look at the cup half full then half empty at this stage.

lets see what it looks like in a year...

just remember, they will test you, and the reason they are doing this is to see if you can really take care of them, and i think we need to feed them when they are hungry, we need to show we are interested in what they have to say.

now on to something else....
just remember, that i do believe alot of kids like to show people that they care about things they have found, saw on tv, or whatever.

your boys are still very young, and they are still discovering things and that could be it too, just that simple, that alot of kids do that, adoptive or birth.

[aMarylandfamily]

Dad - you and I were thinking on the same page again - could that be dangerous (ha ha).

Wanted to say too that while these boys are searching for a connection, their constant demands may not be on purpose but more a need that has to be answered (some days my soon to be 14 year old wears out that MOM word and he's been around all but 2 days of those years!).

One thing that I do when we have a "spell" with that "come here" thing, is after the second day of it give him the # of times I will run so he thinks ... do I want her now or should I wait ... probably sounds silly but it does work ... start it out as 3 times in the morning and 5 times between lunch and dinner that you will run to see or hear about something ... or they can come to you ... often I think they are actually consoled when you go to them as you fill that need ... and with time security will set in and you'll only have a time or two of it ... except on the days when they wear that MOM out for whatever reason may be that usually disappears the next day ... and then you get the "what do you want" when checking on them ... kids!!!

Happy New Year to all!

[tybeemarie]

Just wanted to say I don't necessarily disagree with Dad and aMaryland about kids consciously aggravating parents. It depends on whether the kids have attachment issues or not.

Mine do, and they absolutely intend to be annoying, as they will tell you themselves. Regular kids don't do that. They may annoy, but that's not the primary purpose. They're just caught up in the moment, in their joy or fear or whatever.

I should also say my kids came to me at 6, 7, and 9. So, that's a bit of a difference, too. But, if your kids have attachment disorder, their capacity for consciously sabotaging peace and happiness in a home will exceed what should be their developmental limitations.

Also, I should say that attachment disordered kids need a lot of time with their parents. The goal is having time-in's rather than time-outs. They need to learn how to be in relationship. You don't want them thinking, okay, I can meet my own emotional needs, and that's the risk to lots of time-outs, that you might be sending that message. That said, I still do time-outs when I need to get some time to myself. If they are driving you crazy to the point that you just can't be therapeutic with them, it's better to take 20 minutes and take a hot bath or read a novel or do a sudoku puzzle or come post on the boards.

I find it takes a LOT of self-care for me to remain calm and accepting and loving while under assault from my 3 attachment disordered kids. It used to seem excessive to me, but I just accepted it for what it is. I also remind myself that there's a lot of people who just wouldn't be willing to do this under any circumstances. So, be kind to yourself!

Also, one thing that helped a lot was the concept of restitution. When the kids drain energy from the family or just me, then they need to put some energy back. Chores are good for that, and even very little kids can do simple chores like cleaning the baseboards or using a little hand held dust sweeper or the whole line of swiffer products. Massages for mom are good for some families.

Also, when my kids start to get squirrely, I'll have them bring me a book to read. They love being read to, and it calms them down. It's nice and cuddly, and if you're kind of annoyed, the book can get you back on track, too. We have some Christian books for kids that have nice messages for the kids to take in. My youngest daughter and I have been reading a nice book called God Believes in You by Holly Bea. It's very sweet and it encourages her.

Hang in there!

[mallory4]

I totally have been there, for me the worst week was week #3, and really until about 6 months I was exhausted, frazzled, and not my best self. Our little guy couldn't even talk, but the whining--oh my goodness, I wanted to take out my own eardrums with an icepick.
After several months he learned to say "Hi!" and would say that every five minutes all day, as if you just walked in, even though you were sitting there talking to him or whatever. Cute the first 100 times, then not so cute!

But, that having been said, a little guy who is only 4 and has been moved so recently, is probably feeling very unsettled. I agree with Dad and others who suggest more contact with him rather than limiting the number of times you will go see what he wants. In fact, I would try to keep him in the same room with me almost all the time, for attachment sake. With our little one, we made sure he had two or three sessions a day of play time one-on-one with mom or dad. It is often more fun to play with a little one when you are doing it deliberately than when you are doing it as one of a half-dozen tasks you are trying to juggle--and it gives you time to work on things you want him to learn (colors, letters, folding clothes, putting away toys, whatever it is, you can make it fun)

One thing I noticed with my bio kids and with our fost/adopt toddler is that they each have their individual times of day when they are most likely to be feeling "empty" and need some one on one time to fill back up, emotionally and energy-wise. I can let 2 year old R play on his own in the am while I make beds, etc., but after his nap, no way can he entertain himself--he needs a snack, one on one attention, and physical activity--or else. I can try to avoid it, but I will only pay with constant whining, etc. My DD had to have one-on-one in the am first thing or the whole day was shot when she was little, but if she had it, she could entertain herself nicely for long stretches before and after lunch.
So, you might be able to fiddle with the scheduling of the attention he is getting and see if that makes a difference.

It could also be that he hasn't learned any other appropriate ways to get attention from an adult. I think it is okay to tell him "I'm glad you are having fun with that, but I will have to see it another time, right now I am looking at what I want to look at." As long as he is getting a couple of periods of playtime with you each day, it won't hurt to let him know you also have your own activities and interests--not to mention chores!

And like the others said, take care of yourself! Don't think your house should look like you don't have those kids, don't think you have to return every phonecall, etc. Give yourself lots of breaks and a big pat on the back--you are doing the hardest thing!

[Lorraine123]

I also am not disagreeing.

I agree that he should be getting tons of attention, that is not what I was trying to say. I would keep him in the room with me as much as possible, I would do one-on-one activities as much as possible and I would do attachment parenting. However, I know from experience, that children with attachment disorder (and I don't know if this child has it or not) will use demands such as this to control their parents. I've seen my daughter do it over and over. And when I finally lose my patience she stops and smiles and will even say, "looks like I won." She is intentionally doing it. She may not totally even realize it what she is doing consciously, but its purpose is to control.

I'm not saying set boundaries as punishment. No, the child should not be punished for it, because it may not be conscious. But, it is inappropriate to demand for parents to be on call at all times. And children need to learn appropriateness.

Maybe, when he does this, go in and pick him up and hold him while looking into each others eyes. Initially, this may be done almost all day, but as the child feels safer, it will decrease.

[GingerR]

There definitely is a honeymoon period!

Our 4-year-old fd's therapist told us that demanding attention is almost always a test. Will they come running? Will they make me wait? Even our one-year-old throws toys out of her crib and pushes them off her high chair, just to see if we'll pick them up and hand them to her, lol.

All kids, especially those who missed out on being babied, want their parents or caregivers to give them as much attention as possible and they will invent ways to get that attention. It's a great opportunity to strengthen your relationship with that child, by showing genuine interest in what they have to show you/tell you, but also teach them invaluale lessons in patience, manners, consideration.

In other words, give them the "ooh's" and "ahh's" they need, give them kudos if they're showing you something great they can do, make them feel like they're important, but do it when you're able to, not the moment they demand it.

And I've found it's very helpful not to overexplain, especially when they're as young as 4. You don't have to defend your decision. Just say, "I'll be there when I'm finished with what I'm doing." Stay true to your word, and they'll learn to trust that you'll be there, and learn to respect your time, too.

[madfostermomma]

Thanks to everyone for the support and suggestions- Thank goodness I am not a stay at home mom or I'd be jumping off the roof. . These guys lived in their bio home and were 2 of 9 children and then at the foster home before mine where they were for 14 months there were 7 kids all together so I have no doubt that it's a novelty to be able to get undivided attention, however I do think they need limits set. My husband and I switch off with the boys at night , each giving them one on one- they get cuddled and hugged and read stories every evening, however when Im on the phone, they need to learn that it's not appropriate to jump up and down to show me their hot wheels they've been playing with for half an hour just because I am not paying attention to them.

We start counseling in a week so hopefully that will help us all.

[shycar]

Ahh the phone. For some reason kids NEED the attention now when you are on the phone. It never fails with me. My kids will be angels all day the phone rings and they turn into monsters. Five yr old wants to show me a toy on tv now and can not wait, the 3 year old wants to tell you he has to go potty (when he already know how to go and never tells you when he is going), the 2 yr old all of sudden is dying of thirst and is yelling wata at your feet, and the baby wants to be fussy, when seconds ago she was passed out. It really never fails. It is so embarrasing to. Well its no help, but I just think its funny. Phones bring a different side of children.

[mossy2]

I have a 16 year old fd who has been with us about 1 1/2 years. Our honeymoon period has been over a long time!!!

I just wanted to add that therapy is a great idea, and as you will hear over and over on this forum, be sure that the therapist you work with has experience in dealing with attachment issues.

We had our first session with such a specialist this weekend, it took me some work to locate one in our region. I have been educating myself on this forum, all the while wondering why the heck nothing seemed to work with her in ways I was used to parenting.

My fd was hospitalized after a scary raging tanturm recently (it was triggered by my not allowing her to go to a sleepover). Her diagnosis in the psychiatric hospital was depression, and things are getting better right now. We have been working with therapists and psychiatrists all along, but it didn't help. She would not open up and things were up and down at home all the time. We were on the verge of giving her up due to the overwhelming stress to the family. The attachment therapist did a great job describing what RAD is to her and she is willing to go to therapy now and is motivated to get help. Hospitalization made a huge difference in that she now is admitting some of her reactions are triggered internally. Not all caused by ME THE MOM MONSTER.

You are in good company!!! Keep taking care of yourself, I will second that one!!!