[dadfor2]

the only thing i am getting out of the OP is 'normal' kid stuff.

Im not saying the kids dont have attachement issues, but i havnt actually read anything that screams out RAD.

when Im on the phone, they need to learn that it's not appropriate to jump up and down to show me their hot wheels they've been playing with for half an hour just because I am not paying attention to them.

very very normal with kids...my nephews do it to my sister.....

this is not an adoption issue, just a kid issue...lol.

let the kids settle in and then see what happens, so far it really does sound like kids that need alot of attention but nothing more then that.

[Zoe_B]

Originally Posted by dadfor2

the only thing i am getting out of the OP is 'normal' kid stuff.

Im not saying the kids dont have attachement issues, but i havnt actually read anything that screams out RAD.

when Im on the phone, they need to learn that it's not appropriate to jump up and down to show me their hot wheels they've been playing with for half an hour just because I am not paying attention to them.

very very normal with kids...my nephews do it to my sister.....

this is not an adoption issue, just a kid issue...lol.

let the kids settle in and then see what happens, so far it really does sound like kids that need alot of attention but nothing more then that.

The OPer isn't saying it in this way, but I always lol when people say kids are so much worse when they are on the phone....umm, might it be that we are more sensitive to their usual loud play, while on the phone?

I try and talk to my kids before I get on the phone, even if its a quick reminder while its ringing. Then while I'm talking on the phone, its just a quiet reminder of what I already spoke with them about.

[AmyAnne]

I do the same with A. I usually tell him he will have to play in his room if he can't be quiet while I'm on the phone. Of course, he's 8, so that's more of an option than with a 4 and a 3 year old....

[Zoe_B]

yeah, mine are 19mo, two, and four. they are still noisy, but its all about setting an expectation, and after the 1234th time, they might start to hear me.

[AmyAnne]

Good point, Zoe

[casstaylor]

I read the replies to your question and frankly, I am scared now We will get our first foster to adopt referral very soon. I have three birth children and a healthy dose of sanity. I would like to keep that so I am listening to all the advice. I don't know what age to prepare for. I mean I don't know whether to put together the crib or hide the car keys. It is so different when you are pregnant because you know what age will be coming out on the due date. WIth this, you don't know.

Cass

[Lorraine123]

the only thing i am getting out of the OP is 'normal' kid stuff.

Not trying to cause controversary, but RAD children do normal children things, they just do it to the extreme. I mean, many of my complaints of my daughter's behaviors sound like normal things and it sounds like I'm nuts. It all depends on the reason that the children do what they do. I read in the OP that the child was doing it extreme.

Yes, all children interrupt phone calls and yes, its irritating. But a RAD child will wait intently until you are on the pohne and then say your name repeated without pausing for the entire half an hour you are on the phone with the purpose of driving you mad.

Yes, all children ask questions and seek attention and reassurance, but RAD children will wait until you are interacting with your spouse or other children and do it then, every time just to interrupt any bond that they may see you having with the other family members.

I don't know if I'm explaining this correctly. Its not the behavior, its the reason for the behavior.

But my thinking was that the OP was at her wits end and that usually doesn't happen that quickly unless there is something else going on. And children with attachment problems know how to do it in such a way that the parents start to question themselves, and they learn to do this at an early age. Its a survival thing for them.

I'm not saying this child has RAD. That I don't know and RAD can't be diagnosed just from a child demanding attention. Just, based on my experience, there is more here than just a child wanting attention.

[madfostermomma]

I dont have any answer yet - I just know I cant stand them at times and I'm not a very nice person lately . Oh I try but the oldest knows every button to push . He bosses the younger one around and the two of them copy each other on everything. If T takes a drink - then J takes a drink. If J falls then T falls. The preschool teacher told me J , who is the young one,does well , interacts etc, until T walks in and then loses his personality and shuts down.
J ( 3 in February) cries if you look at him wrong. Even if you tell him nicely to share- he cries. He's also non verbal basically so that's a challenge

I'll be the first to admit that I am strick so my house is not an easy house to live in. We say please and thank you here and we don't push and shove. I am not really a "reasoner" and I will not make 5 things to get you to eat. We don't hit kiddos here but if you ask me something and I say NO and then ask daddy - you will be in time out. Plus if I have to tell you to do something more than 5 times - I get upset

I don't know anymore - I just know that at the end of the day I feel like I've earned my broom and I keep looking for a house to fall on my head.

I do know that when the counselor comes on Monday eve- I will probably be hanging on his leg yelling DONT GO!

[dadfor2]

im really sorry you are going through this, but the expectation of any foster child to behave and learn to say thank you and please right off the bat, is alot to ask.

It could take years to unlearn certain behaviors that these children picked up in the chaotic lives before coming to you.

I guess sometimes when i read posts, i think of where i was when my kids came to me, and what i thought it would be like and what it actually was, was two seperate things.

I think the first step here is to accept that it will take a long long long time before they actually learn all your rules and behave the way that you think that they should.

i hate to be a downer, but you expectation might be a little high on what kids in the system come in with.

[Lorraine123]

I agree with Dad on this one. To expect a child from foster care to move into your home and follow all your rules right off the bat is wrong. You must pick your battles. To expect them to say please and thank you if they haven't been taught is setting them up to fail. And to punish them for something they don't know is harsh.

Most children coming from this type of background don't know how to live in a family with rules. They have to be taught and, just like in school we don't teach them everything at once, the same is true of living in a family.

I'm not saying that you should let them get away with things that you think are wrong, but explain to them and teach them. Maybe they are picking up on the fact that you expect them to know things and you are frustrated with them because they don't.

[madfostermomma]

I appreciate your feedback but I have to disagree- setting no expectations for a child isnt gong to help them in life. When I said I have to tell them something 5 times, it's at the same time. Like " T don't poke J" and he continues to do it. I understand they will forget some new rules and need time adjusting.

They are hurt kids not mentally challenged- trust me T knows when he's done something wrong. While I know they need hugs and kisses and affection and understanding, they also need to learn what's appropriate and what's not. They will have to behave when they attend school so I don't think letting them get away with murder here is going to benefit them.

They have made strives and are saying thank you and please( J is attempting to at least ) , plus excuse me when they burp- just this morning T reminded my DH to say excuse me.

[Faith65]

Madfostermoma,

Good Morning.

I want to add that we have a 13 fd/ad who is still relearning and reprograming. It takes these kids a long time to relearn and reprogram what they have learned to survive. And when you think they finally have their will be a stress that will set them back. Something that snaps them back to survial mode. It could be someone looking like the abuser or neglectful parent, smells, reaction, Holiday whatever.

Even has they get older and are able to express themselves, their fears, happiness ect it is still difficult on most days for them to stay in the here and now. They have needed these old behaviors to survive. Many of these kids may have died if they didn't go into surviror mode. It takes B lots of hard work to change her old behaivors to ones of what we feel are apporiate, healthy and good and she is 13 and is able to have more knowledge of right and wrong. Why and how come.

Raising and loving these kids are not for the faint of heart and not for all. It doesn't make you a bad person if these kids are not for you either. Please know I am not saying you are doing anything wrong or not meeting these childrens needs you are probaly doing all that and more. I'm just trying to share with you what I see in my home with my daughter and how she responds still to this day. Yes, she is a teenager but there is still a lot of attachment issues and other issues that she will most likely have to work through most of her life at one time or another.

Keep us posted let us know how things work out with the new therapist. Ask for respite too that will also give you time to refule.