[redfred]

How do you handle family members and friends who refuse to acknowledge the presence of a foster child? I guess I’m particularly annoyed this time of year with Christmas coming. I have a very dear friend who wants to have nothing to do with any foster child – not even the one we have been in the process of adopting. I’ve pretty much decided (and acted) on the philosophy that if she cannot love ALL my children regardless of their legal status (or at least act like she loves them), then I do not need her in my life. She called a week ago and indirectly said some very hurtful things… Also, what do you do when the one not even acknowledging a child is your mother-in-law?? It’s kinda hard to say…oh well, we’ll NEVER see you again… Our latest fs is only a few months old so he doesn’t know what’s going on with these people, but I do and I know that my other children are eventually going to pick up on this. Anyway, I guess that I just wanted to know how you all handle these situations??

[echobunny89]

All I can say is WOW! How can some people be so cruel?

I know that in my situation, I have made it very clear to my entire family (luckily I don't have to deal with the in-laws anymore because I am divorced!) that these children are to be treated as if they were biological family and if my family members could not abide by my wishes, then they would not be welcome in my home and I would not bring the childen over theirs. Thats that! As far as I am concerned my foster children have had enough neglect and rejection in their little lives and I will not allow them to be subjected to it while they are with me.

I think your approach with your friend is exactly what I would have done. As far as your mother-in-law is concerned, I would put my foot down as well and say you will not tolerate it. That is just my opinion though, maybe others here will have a different take on it. You have been entrusted to protect these children physically and emotionally. I can tell by what you have written that you take this seriously and I applaud you for it. My pre-adoptive daughter, who is moving in with me this Friday is coming from a foster home who treated her like nothing more than a boarder who paid rent to live there. The foster mother didn't even acknowledge this child's birthday and her Xmas presents were always used toys from a flea market but the bio-daughter was treated like a princess.

[kretzklan]

I would agree with your first instinct - it's the whole family or none of the family. Tough I know - I'm going through it with my own family. But, I don't want bio kid to learn from a negative example and I don't want akids to be treated unfairly. Really, there is no reason to continue contact...

This is the family we chose - the family you chose. If they love US, they would love our children. End of story!

[mallory4]

Well, I have tried to take it as an opportunity to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

Those freinds and family members who are supportive and reacted to the arrival of our foster/adopt son like they did the arrival of our biokids all moved up a notch in my mind, and those who have been rude or indifferent about it have inched that much closer to the curb--or right off of it!

Luckily for us, none of the indifferent folks live anywhere near us, so there is little opportunity for thier attitudes to affect any of our kids.

The family member who is my closest relative is also one who has been least enthusiastic. I was very honest with her, letting her know that I thought it was rude, but that I saw it as a limitation of HER character that she couldn't open her heart to a child, and that in the interest of her own mental health she might want to spend some time looking at why that is so.

I am not a religious person, so I can just laugh at the fact that the most "Christian" branch of our family is also the branch who is least in favor of our adding to our family through foster/adoption. Apparently, they have read a different Bible than we have--theirs says that what Jesus would do is put a big cross in the yard, and rant and rave about homosexuals and abortion, but not care for "someone else's" child. Different strokes!

If it was me, and I really cared about the friend, I would just tell her that her behavior/attitude is hurtful to you and as a friend you are asking her to change it. If she doesn't apologize and respect that, I would cut her loose.

About the mother-in-law, that is tougher, but I still think honesty is the best policy. You could start off gentle and see where that gets you, then toughen up as needed, while always being respectful.

Maybe there is a way you or your spouse could ask her what is behind her actions, in a way that made it clear you want to help her be more comfortable with the idea. If that doesn't work, maybe you and your dh could work together to decide how to spell it out for her what you need (e.g. the foster child gets a gift when the others do, send a birthday card, display photos the same, no verbal comments that set the child apart, etc.)

My own experience is that dh is more willing to confront his mama than to have me do it, so I would give him the first chance. If she didn't straighten up, at least he would know you had tried everything and perhaps he would be more supportive of whatever measures you decide are needed (not inviting her to birthdays, etc.) to protect your kids' feelings.

[leaabc123]

Sometimes it is tough for extended family to understand the process. Our extended family has treated the kids well but there is a fear of making connections and then seeing the children leave.
As you chose (and we chose) to foster, this possibility was made clear to us. There is no training for other family members to help them understand that.

That may be some of the reason. You need to be very clear about how all the children should be treated. They will need you to stand up for them.

[diane beth]

We are not foster parents yet but should be shortly after the new year. We have decided to not expect our extended family to treat them as our children. Some have already shown that they do not want to. If they want to be Aunts and Uncles and gps then we will encourage it and call them as such. If not then they will be addressed as Mr or Mrs. Smith or Miss Jane. I figure they will miss out not the fc. We cannot force others to take foster kids as their own relatives. If we would adopt then we will expect it or we will not be a part of their lives anymore. I don't think it would happen if we were to adopt. Merry Christmas ~diane

[jackiesbooks]

I think my Dad went into not considering them the same as my bio children, but the first time they called him POP - that was it!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Maternal instinct kicks in here! I am with you...ALL or NONE!! That would include any of MY family or in-laws. I know the inlaw thing would be difficult, but often times it takes something as drastic as that for them to open their eyes and expand their narrow mind.

Not for my adoption, but for other reasons, I ceased any and all contact with my father's family. It was not hard because they live in IA and I live in WA. He passed away, and it was something that my aunt had the nerve to berate me for. She refused to see how the situation impacted my life. I simply told her NEVER to contact me again! She has since seen the light and talked to my other sibs about it, but I can't get over her hurtful words (how ashamed my father would have been of me) she said. I just might never.

Maybe if you take a firm stand they will learn from their ignorance. I just can't stand people who can't see that these children have already been thru SO much and only really need the most simple gifts...acceptance and love. It breaks my heart to hear stories like this. My thoughts are with you.

[jandn]

I just wanted to offer a different perspective. When we choose to become foster parents we go through alot of training, homestudies, waiting and soul searching. We know (somewhat ) what we're in for and we've chosen this path.

I remember how horrible I felt when my second foster daughter had been with us since birth and then left for a kinship placement at 7 months. My mother had loved her and was crushed when she left. She didn't understand the system and I realized that she had been thrown into the role of foster grandma without too much warning or consideration.

Maybe your MIL is just guarding her heart because she doesn't know what to expect?

[madfostermomma]

I'm sorry I dont buy the point that the in laws didnt get training therefore didnt know what to expect. My parents were ripped to shreds when my fd left after 15 months but when I took our next placements - they were supportive as were my in laws. They are supportive for 2 reasons. 1 they love us and 2 they are mature enough to realize it IS NOT the children's faults that they are foster children. None of them asked for this. They are simply kids and they depend on adults acting like human beings. I do not tolerate having any child in my home treated less than they should be - I have a brother in law who is no longer allowed in my home for that very reason. Until he grows up and realizes he is ignorant about things - he will be banned from our home. We took these kids in to protect them and teach them about love. I dont believe foster parents should subject these already hurt kids to more negativity - they'll have years to learn about that as they get older.

[redfred]

Thanks for all the feedback. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in this issue.

My MIL has always been a horrible, two faced person…especially toward me (her son had the nerve to marry a person SHE did not select type thing). We’ve had to limit contact with her for other reasons related to the safety of our children. Although they only live 2 hours away, we only see them once or twice a year. As to my friend, I’ve pretty much decided that she is not going to be invited to our home again. Not for the big birthday bash in Jan or for Z’s finalization and party this spring. I do believe that she doesn’t want to get attached to a child that is not going to be with us forever, and I respect that side of things. We are all entitled to our feelings and we are all entitled to guard our hearts if needed. What I cannot and will not tolerate is blatantly different treatment of children in my home, ever. They are CHILDREN, not issues, not at risk legal process, not the mistakes of parents, not problems that should just go away. CHILDREN! Anyway, on the other side, we have been floored by how many other people in our lives have fully embraced these children for whatever amount of time they are with us! Their willingness to love our foster children unconditionally lets us know that we have chosen our friends well! I even got a few presents sent to our newest fs (nine weeks old). Those small toys were like gold to me… I could not have asked for a better Christmas present!!!

[Kate1129]

If my MIL were to treat our foster kids different, well that would be the last time she seen me or the kids again! I also know that my husband wouldn't see her either.

If there are already issues with your MIL, well it's not going to get better. I am not sure what I would do, I do know that it would be to protect the kids NO MATTER what the cost!

[jandn]

If your MIL is a horrible two faced person and you're worried about the safety of your children, that's a different story.


Good luck.

[Guppy]

My best friend's husband doesn't like my child. His reasoning is that he doesnt' like my exhusband and "child looks just like him". I mean...

He was not nice towards my child. I don't let my child near him. It's very hurtful, I think. I truly hate it since we are quite good friends otherwise. I am now anxiously awaiting him to become a father - hope that will change his views. But generaly I just never take my baby near him...

[echobunny89]

"They are CHILDREN, not issues, not at risk legal process, not the mistakes of parents, not problems that should just go away. CHILDREN! "





I am giving you a standing ovation!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't have said it better myself! I too, feel that children are not asked to be brought into this world, and it is our responsibility as adults to care and protect any child who comes into our lives, biological or not. Our children are our future and are precious gifts from God regardless of who their parents are or what mistakes their parents have made.