[GingerR]

It seems like I read tons of posts about foster children and emotions, particularly when it comes to their biological family. Foster parents seem to deal with a lot of issues stemming from the child's sadness, anger, parentification, resentment, and especially after-effects of visitation.

Has anyone fostered a child, though, that just seems totally, completely indifferent to "everything"? And I don't mean kids who tend to bury emotions and hold everything inside... more like NO emotions, no feelings either way? They could live here, live there, see relatives, not see relatives, etc...?

We went on vacation recently and our 4 year-old fd stayed with her brother for several days. I kept hearing, "Be prepared for the aftermath!" but there was none. It was fine to see him, now it's fine to be home. There's no change in her behavior, and she doesn't talk about him any more than she did before the visit.

Just curious if this describes any children you may have fostered. For someone who has wanted to be a mother for a long time, it's been difficult having one I haven't really been able to bond with.

[leastofthese]

I have no idea if I am even on the right path here, but this was my first impression.

She sounds like a little girl who has become accustomed to not having a "voice" in anything regarding her own circumstances. Because she hasn't had a voice, she has learned to just "go with the flow" and it may not even occur to her that she has a choice whether to like it or not, it just IS. Did that make any sense?

What happens when you try to draw her out with lots of questions? (the kind that require more that a "yes" or "no" -- particularly questions about how she feels about something or how an event made her feel)

What if you watch a movie with her (one that evokes lots of emotion; happy OR sad) and discuss it with her? Does she respond at all?

It is almost like she has totally disassociated?

I don't really think any of that was helpful or answered your question, but you just made me wonder...

Also, does she have any autistic-like behaviors? I know sometimes kids with autism spectrum disorders are totally not in touch with emotions and can have a very difficult time bonding.

[kaylasmom]

I Agree, I Think

[kaylasmom]

OOOOOOOPPPPPS.....ANYWAYS, I THINK LEASTOFTHESE IS RIGHT, i think alot of these kids are use to being shifted and moved, no one askes these kids what they want, they really don't have choise's, when they are removed they can't just say i want to go home and go, so they just deal.

And some deal by never letting you know how they fill. I just had a boy moved from my foster home to a pre adopt home, I talked to him about it for a week in advance, he never let on like it mattered.
He told me, its ok, ive been in 3 other homes. And never said another word no matter what we said.

These children have a way of coping that i don't think anyone other then a fosterchild can understand.

Let her know your there if she wants to let you know how she fills, and maybe you could talk to a theripist about it.

Goodluck

[ingodshands]

I haven't been a foster parent, but was a foster child myself for a number of years.

I think "leastofthese" is right here.

Quote "She sounds like a little girl who has become accustomed to not having a "voice" in anything regarding her own circumstances. Because she hasn't had a voice, she has learned to just "go with the flow" and it may not even occur to her that she has a choice whether to like it or not, it just IS. Did that make any sense?"

Foster children are like any other children in the fact that they all deal with situations and trauma differently. It may be dissociation. It may be numbness from the trauma she has suffered. Sometimes trauma can cause one to just feel "numb" and not really FEEL any feelings at all. They may surface later on in life. It may be purely that she is going with the flow..

I would try to encourage talking about her birthfamily though if you can.

I don't know if I have been of any help at all, but as a former foster child I thought I would try.

Collette

[GingerR]

When she first came to live with us, I started out slowly with the questions, pretty much asking what kind of things she liked to do at her last foster home (response, "I don't know), and I would inquire if she missed her previous foster mom whom she lived with for 8 months and she would just matter-of-factly state, "Nope."

Then after a few weeks she started going to daycare part-time, and I tried so hard to make that a way to communicate. How was your day, what did you do, who all do you play with, what's your favorite thing to do... most of these would get an, "I don't know" but when I pushed I would sometimes get a sentence or two. Then THAT backfired because she would repeat that answer every day... I've termed what I consider about 5 or 6 "stock answers" she has to certain questions.

She's been seeing a therapist since July, and her therapist told me "M" was one of the more difficult cases she'd worked with. She said when she tries to bring up "feeling" related topics, she either changes the subject or gives her a shrug. She also had a psychological evaluation, and the psychologist stated that M is unable to identify feelings on even a basic level.

Add to the mix that she's VERY hyperactive, VERY easily distracted and that makes it even more difficult for her to concentrate, etc., when you are trying to talk to her.

As for movies, she either likes them or dislikes them. She's very intelligent in understanding plots, really surprising us sometimes, but again, she doesn't seem able to tap into the emotional aspects... just what a character says or does.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the symptoms of Autism are but I will look it up. I fear she's just subconsciously found a way of protecting herself, and it seems impossible to pierce. She's been with us almost 10 months and we haven't really seen any change.

Thanks for your responses.

[ingodshands]

You said:

" I fear she's just subconsciously found a way of protecting herself, and it seems impossible to pierce."

This may be exactly what is happening. And part of protecting herself is to NOT FEEL. I would bet it is a subconscious thing that her brain is doing as a coping mechanism, because she is at such a young age. It may be impossible to pierce right now, but I am sure with the right therapy and your love and support things will improve over time. She is protecting her heart.

Look at the foster child adoption stories threads and read my poem titled A Former Foster Child, it explains a little of my feelings as a foster child.

Collette

[GingerR]

I just wanted to add that one thing we have made a priority with M is letting her know when something major has changed, i.e., her goal in foster care went from adoption to reunification literally overnight. Thank God we did not make any promises and declarations about adopting her because everything has been such a mess, we were leary of it all working out anyway. But we were told by the cw she was definitely going back to dad, so we've let her know. I've let her know that if she ever has any questions about why or when or anything, I will answer them as best I can, but she just literally does not seem to care. It's all fine with her, no questions, she's not even curious about what he's like. (he lives out of state and she doesn't remember him).

Thanks for your feedback too ingodshands. I'm always glad to read the perspectives of former foster children.