[echobunny89]

I'm about at my wits end and wondered if anyone can give me some advice or words of wisdom.

As many of you know, by my "hostile foster parent" post, I have a 10 yr old girl (T) who has been doing weekend visits and will be moving in with us on 12/23 as a pre-adoptive placement.

T's sister, 12 yr old B, also visits with us on the weekends and her permancy plan is to also move in with us in a few months, after T has settled in, also as a pre-adoptive placement. She is currently in a group home and is doing excellent there.

The problem that has come up over the last couple of visits is the constant fighting between T and B. I am at my wits end and finally let them have it today and told them that if they wanted to live together they needed to get along because I can not spend the next ten years playing referee! Also T has a way of insticating my 9 yr old son and gets him so hyped up that he winds up in trouble with me. When T and B are not here my son is the calmest sweetest child (well.... usually ). He becomes definant and won't listen to me or calm down! The other issue is also that B doesn't get along very well with my 10 yrs old as luck would have it T has taken a likeing to her and I'm sure this is causing jealousy.

Well, I have to go and break up another fight!! It sounds like a heard of screaming elephants upstairs and I am waiting for them to fall through the ceiling. I have to admit I've about had it and don't know how much more I can take. I just can't stand the constant fighting and screaming.

[gregorysparents]

Well.....looks like you have your work cut out for you!!!

These weekends are doing what they are suppose to do - they are giving you just a little taste of reality!! After all, you have two girls - one will officially be a teenager in less than a year and the other one will be a teenager in less than three years. AND - you have a son whose job in life is going to be to tease the heck out of his sisters!!!!

All three of these kids are having to adjust. It's not going to be easy. All three of these kids are testing the water. They are trying to find out where they "stand" in the family.

All I can say is.....don't give up on these kids - BUT - make sure that if nothing changes - that you are able to put up with these weekends for the next 10 years - 365 days a year - 7 days a week - 24 hours a day. Oh, make sure your homeowners insurance is paid up!!!

My thoughts and prayers will be with you all!!!

Christina

[radkat]

Not only will it be an adjustment for your three new children, but your bio-children will also go through a period of adjustment as their roles change. It will not be an easy adjustment and there will probably be some serious knock-down-drag-out fights. (We just had one in my house )

There will be jealousy and maybe even some resentment between the kids. No matter how happy and excited your kids are about getting new siblings it's a whole different ballgame when the new kids move in and try figure out how they fit in.

My oldest daughter is 11 and my newly adopted son is 10. Although they do love each other now, it's taken two years for us to get there.

I think the most important thing and probably the hardest thing will be to make sure everyone has their own space or at the least someplace to go to be alone.
I've also had a lot of luck pairing an older child with a younger child for activities and chores.

Best of luck to you and your family,
Kathy

[echobunny89]

Well I have to admit, today has gone much better than today. The morning started out fine and about 11:30am my bio son and 10 yr old daughter started going at it so I immediatley sent them both to their rooms for 1/2 hr. I told them all that we were not going to have another day like yesterday and that was that. The two AM offenders started at each other again around 2pm and I again sent them both to their rooms. Everyone seems to be getting along otherwise.

I never thought about the kids having to work out their own "pecking order" so to speak but I guess that is what is happening here. A good nights sleep also does wonders for restoring my patience.

Thank you for you advice and comments!

[mallory4]

Echo, First of all, I love the baby picture--are they squirrels or bunnies?
Second, kudos to you for opening your heart and home to older kids--it can't be easy, give yourself lots of credit for courage!

About sibling issues, there are a few books that really helped me a lot.

They are: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (by Faber & Mazlish, almost every library has a copy)

Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso

and Siblings Without Rivalry (I think this is also Faber & Mazlish but it has been a while since I've read it--because it really helped!)

One thing I have found is that even though there isn't a "silver bullet" which will give you well-behaved, getting along perfectly kids all the time, trying new strategies from time to time works wonders, even if it is only because it keeps kids from getting into "hostility ruts" with each other --and us.

Good luck with your growing crew!

[lucyjoy]

Sometimes children from traumatic backgrounds that are seperated then reunited recreate their original environments, no matter how bad they were. It is very caotic for those around them who do not want to live with constant drama. If it is this difficult during pre placement visits, it might be necessary to take a look at whether these kids really should continue to live together. It might not be in their best interest.

Has either child been assessed for attachment disorder?
Many unattached kids do well in group homes and RTCs but cannot handle the intamacy of living in a family.

While siblings do argue and bicker, underlying issues like attachment need to be addressed to protect everyones safety. Also, as a pre adoptive parent, no matter how angry or frustrated you become, you have to be careful what you say. Suggesting they behave if they want to live together will likely make them worse. They will question and test to see how far they have to push before you send them away. While I understand getting to that point, other methods of dealing with it need to be used. Since you know this is an ongoing issue, try to plan for it ahead of time. That way, when they begin to argue, you have control and they lose the power.

I have 2 kids now that were arguing constantly from the second they got up. I sent them out back to the arguing spot to work it out. Works very well when it's cold outside.(they solve things so much quicker)

[echobunny89]

They are baby squirrells that I found in my driveway one day. They were raised by a wildlife rehabilitator. I am only good a raising human babies!

[brandydawn]

Just wanted to share.....my little sister and I are 15 months apart in age and at times we got along great as we entertained each other and many times we fought.....over everything. Most of it was competing for our parents attention. When my step-mother's grandsons came to stay with us (around the same as us) there was more fighting....either girls against boys or sometimes the too responsible ones against the two lazy ones.

Today I am 30 and while we don't outright fight we still have sibling rivalry....always trying to best the other.

Not to say it doesn't relate to their prior living situation or any negative experiences they have dealt with, however fighting is pretty natural with siblings close in age.

I wish I had something to tell you what my parents could have done to prevent it....they just sent us outside quite a bit so they didn't have to hear it!

Regards,
Brandy

Regards,
Brandy