[smiles4398]

Please help! Maybe I am just needing to get out my frustration or my anxiety, but I am really having a hard time. My husband and I are foster parents and have been for over a year now. We have a little boy who we finalized the adoption on not all that long ago. He and I bonded immediately and have a great mother/son relationship. However, we now have another foster child that is 7 months old. He is so beautiful and a real special child. However, I am having a very hard time bonding with him. He took real well with my husband and really wants nothing to do with me. He won't allow me to pick him up without crying, if I pick him up from daycare and my husband doesn't get home for a while he will cry until he does. Which has made bonding with him very difficult. I have attempted to play and hold him, sing to him, read to him, but to no avil he wants nothing to do with me. I feel like a total failure and feel as though I am doing something wrong. Any suggestions? Has anyone else been through this? Please Help, all I want to do is help this child.

Desperate for Help.
Smiles4398

[mcnh63]

I don't have any suggestions since we have not received our first placement yet nor do we have children. I wanted to bump this up since I also would like to hear what others have to say about this.

[Shoshana]

Sometimes, if a little one has had a traumatic and/or broken bond with a female, then it will be risker for him/her to attach to a female. Your foster son is so young, he desperately needs to attach to you, but it is threatening and uncomfortable to him. There are all sorts of sites on attachment parenting (and maybe someone with more experience/info on attachment will chime in) -- but in the meantime, there's plenty you can do.

Skin to skin contact (bathing). Lots of holding, carrying -- get a maya wrap so you can 'wear' him.
Play with him, on his level -- hand pieces of food (cheerios?), play peek-a-boo, feed tiny bites of ice cream -- anything to make him look at you.
Try to be the primary care giver -- you change diapers, bottle, put to bed, carry, etc. Try to limit contact with people outside of your immediate family. Most of all, cuddle. Remember, he doesn't know --how-- to attach, it's scary, and it hurts -- he needs you to show him. He needs you to meet his every need. This child cannot be spoiled. He has learned that adults either don't meet his needs, and/or hurt him.

You're not a failure, it's really hard to be rejected by a child. It helps when you understand the 'why's' of the apparent rejection. It's because he's been hurt. Your hubby is safer. If this continues with no intervention/change/improvement, that won't be good -- his attachment to your husband won't be a secure one because he will not have healed from the earlier trauma. He really needs you. As far as your feelings about not bonding with him -- well, that's perfectly normal given what's going on. I am pretty sure that if you learn about attachment parenting, and practice with him, your feelings for him will grow. Until then, pretend! (seriously).

There's another forum here specifically related to attachment -- you might want to post there as well.

Best wishes...

[leastofthese]

Shoshanna gave you excellent information. When my little girl came to me, she was 2 and had been in many placements previously. I pretty much carried her every where I went. I did the feeding thing, we spent lots of time rocking and I would hold her sippy cup for her (like a bottle), lot of talking face to face, playing sing-song-y games face to face, etc. No one else took care of her. I still am very strict about limiting who and how often she has sitters.

I refused to send her to preschool/daycare, because the LAST thing she needed was more people to try to "bond" with. What she needed was a MOMMA! That's what your little one needs--YOU (I understand that stopping daycare is probably not an option, I'm talking about the rest of the time you are with him). When your hubby gets home at night, even though I know you are beyond frustrated and don't want the baby to cry, try to not hand him over right away. Also, see if your DH will make a big deal of making it seem like a WONDERFUL thing for the baby to go to you or to stay with you.

The best advice Shoshanna gave you was "FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!!!!" It seems almost deceitful, but this baby NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS you to LOVE him. It DOES work, usually, too. The more we make a conscious decision to treat a person like we love them, more often than not, the genuine feelings of love eventually emerge.

Don't give up on this baby or on yourself. I'm sure you are doing just fine. It isn't you and it's not the baby's fault either. It's just the environment he came from. He's not used to how it feels to be taken care of and loved. You have the awesome opportunity to TEACH HIM!

[tybeemarie]

Poor baby! He is at high risk of attachment disorder, so that may be what is going on. It's not you! Check out Nancy Thomas's amazing book, When Love is Not Enough. It has good, concrete suggestions about how to encourage babies (and older kids) to attach. Attach China also has a very good site: http://www.attach-china.org/. Good luck! I never had a baby, my kids are all older. I'm sure it's tough! The good news is that it's great to start the healing when they're babies, they can really heal so much easier. I wish my kids had a caring foster parent like you when they were babies!

[wish41more]

I had an EXTREMELY hard time bonding with our fs. He's 13 months now, we got him when he was 8 months. He cried all the time, specifically at me! He wouldn't let us hold him, feed him, change him, basically any nurture he had to accept from us he resisted and still does. It got so bad that I told our sw that it wasn't a good match and then BOOM a couple days later his behavoir started to change. I really believe God had everything to do with that! Needless to say he is still with us. Things are much better and we're moving forward with the adoption but it is still very challenging. We are working with an organization that helps foster/adoptive/guardians bond with their children. We have an attachment therapist and we're starting Theraplay next week. The most difficult part of all of this was that my expectations of being a foster parent were unrealistic. I thought that it didn't matter what baby it was, I could love all of them. Well, it turns out that there are plenty of times that it just isn't a "good match" and it's ok to fell that way. I would say try everything in your power to bond with this child. Search the internet for ideas, ask you social worker, call your dr. Whatever it takes. After you do all of this if you still feel this way, it's ok!
Obviously, every move a child has to make is devistating but it has to be the right fit for your family. When I asked our sw to remove G from our house I was devistated. I felt like a failure, like I was giving up on him. Through our therapist I have learned that bonding with a child can be extremely hard and it doesn't always work out. The best thing I did was to be honest with myself and ask for help, EVERYWHERE!
I know now that God put G in our life and he's suppossed to be with us but it's been a loooooooong hard road...........

[Faith65]

Everyone is giving great feed back. I have a 13 yr old with big attachment issues. And have cared for infants in the past too. And I would say "fake it" it will happen especially with an infant. It's so much harder with an older child because they don't fit in your lap, they can walk away or worse physically harm you, and their words sting too.

I would suggest all that everyone else has too and when you take a few minutes to yourself do something very specail like a nice warm bath, meditate, get your nails done anything that will fill you back up. Because you are the one that needs to be primary for that child.

Came here to when you need to get refilled too. We can help with that!

[smiles4398]

I want to thank everyone for your replys and I am taking them all to heart and will try everything.

Last night was a better night. I sat and rocked him for quite some time and even got him to sleep and held him way after he had been to sleep for a while, and things were much easier this morning, he allowed me to feed him and I even got a little giggle out of him.

I just keep praying that everything will work out, he is such a sweet baby and his case is so heart breaking (aren't they all though).

Thank you again.

[Kate1129]

We had the same problem. Our fd was 1 years old and wouldn't let my husband near her! We tried everything, finally it took me leaving for a day. I left the house before she woke in the morning and was gone till her bedtime. She had no choice but to see my husband as the provider. After that it was good. Not great, but good. Now she's a daddy's girl all the way around!!!!