[lakin11]

Hi everyone,
I know there are probably threads about this, but I couldn't find one.
My DH and I are becoming foster parents (hope to licensed by Jan). We have no bios, so we had no kids stuff, other than what toys I had for my niece who I watch everyday. We bought or found cheap/free bunk beds, cribs, toys, clothes, and misc stuff. We were told that as soon as we get licensed, we will probably get placements soon.
My questions/quandry is this...noooooooo one has offered to have a baby shower for us. No one has asked if we need anything...other than a few people willing to donate some of their kids clothes. I don't know how I feel about this. Part of me is thinking it would be nice to have some new stuff/gifts. Not to be selfish, but we've spent a fortune getting the house ready! I don't know if people don't offer b/c they don't know what we are going to get (our ages are 0-8) or if they just don't consider us really being parents. I know most a lot of family and friends don't really see what we are doing as parenting.
We are hoping to adopt one day and may even have bios. I'm sure in the case of bios, they would give a shower. How much does that leave out the adopted children!!
I just don't know what to do. Should I be offended that no one seems to think we need anything or should I just let it go and move on?!
Shannon

[leastofthese]

I know what you're saying about folks not considering what we do actual parenting! However, I would just let it go and move on. Even our parents, who were foster parents themselves had a hard time treating our foster placements the same as our birth children. They've come a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG way since then and now no one would know which were which by the way my parents treat the kids.

Even though it's frustrating, I've found that it's best for me to just go about doing what I need to do with my kids and buying what I need as it comes up, expecting nothing from anyone--that way I'm never disappointed, and even occasionally pleasantly surprised. I really am a much happier person since I stopped expecting anyone to be fair or to understand.

Yes, it leaves out the adopted kids, and yes, fostering really IS parenting, but the bottom line is, unless a person is actually doing what we are doing, they can't really understand. Does that make sense?

Good luck and I hope to hear you have a placement soon!

[turbett55]

Shannon,

I think that with you wanting to foster children between 0-8yrs old it would be hard to have a shower because of the age gap and no one would really know what to get. What I have done is my mom and mother-in-law had me make up a list for Christmas and all I had asked for was a gift certificate to Target or Walmart. That way I can get what I need for the children that one day will be placed with my husband and I.
I did have a friend that had asked me how it will work with a baby shower and I told her that when we are able to adopt a child/children that is when we will have a "adoption shower".
I really personally wouldn't be offended because they probably don't know what to do for you. But, maybe the gift certificate idea would be one that would work. That way you could get the child/children something brand new when you do get a placement. But, if by all means your friends are offering to help you with hand me downs I would take them up on it. Hope this helps!

Christy

[lakin11]

I'm all for handmedowns....our church has a ton of kids and plenty of clothes make the rounds. I just hate that everything we have so far has been previously used. I want something new for the kids. I do plan on making each foster child one of the fleece blankets (they can pick the print) to keep forever. I don't even think its the shower part that bothers me as much as the lack of support in acknowledging us as parents. A shower would just be a little sign that they are all for what we are doing.
Maybe once we actually have the kids here, some of them will think its parenting. I know the most important thing is that we feel we are parents!

I guess the shower thing is not a huge deal, I just wish maybe people would just ask if we needed anything. I have to good friends who are pregnant and people are falling ALL over them offering to buy this and that and the multiple showers, etc. A little jealousy maybe.

Shannon

[punchkin]

Hi Shannon, just wanted to add my 2 cents. First congrats on your journey to foster/ adopt. I hope you find it as rewarding as we have. I wouldn't be offended if I were you. Doing foster you never know how long a placement will stay. Sometimes it feels like we have a revolving door. If I had a baby/child shower everytime we recieved a placement, family and friends would have abandoned us by now, lol. I don't know if you are only doing long term placments or not. Also in my state the kids get a clothing allotment when they come into care. It takes a couple of weeks to get it though. I was also asked if I needed a stroller, babybed, etc. My last placement just went home. He was here for a week. He came with nothing. So I ordered him some clothes on line. Guess what? He left before they came. Now they are packed up waiting for the next little boy to come along. Don't worry. Before long things will start accumulating and you will wonder" now where did all this stuff come from
Happy fostering

Almost forgot. Save your shower for your foster to adopt child/children. Makes it really special

[DianeScraps]

While we were a little different in that we only went foster for our specific girls and the goal has been adoption .....

I can say that my friends (that have been honest) have said that they just do not know what to expect with adoption (and foster care).

Another thing to keep in mind is that foster placements can be short term or long term - or somewhere in the middle. It is hard for friends to get excited about a child that they may be gone in a month.

Personally, I have asked for no showers/big parties until the adoption is final. I think the potential pain of them not being here forever is bad enough, I don't want the guilt of a shower for them when they aren't here on top of that.

We did have a picnic at my parents over the summer for close family and friends and there were some gifts for the girls but, by request, gifts were small like books, coloring books, craft kits. (We didn't want the girls overwhelmed either)

Diane

[kforkids]

While I know it is frustrating, how realistic is a shower? You don't know what you'll be getting or when. Clothes would be ridiculous. So would a stroller if you get an 8 year old. Your friends will likely ask what they can do WHEN you get a child placed with you.
On the flip side, it is also heart wrenching to have family and firends buy you incredible things specifically for a new child and then have that child go home or to a relative and then you agonize over whether to send on what is likely to be heirloom to you and know it will likely mean nothing to the birth family.
It is a hard thing we do- and a shower for every child you help would break your friends and family's backs...

[gormancrew]

Hi, We didn't ever have a shower given before we adopted our foster twins. We brought them home from the hospital, and obviously they had nothing. That didn't bother me as much as the lack of anyone offering even to fix us a meal. Generally, when someone at church is in the hospital or has a baby, there is a list of folks who will cook dinner for them for about a week. We brought two medically fragile babies home, and nobody even called. That is when it hit me that nobody thought we were parenting. Since we have adopted them, we had a diaper pounding at church, where people bring bags of diapers and or wipes. What a blessing that was!! All I can tell you, is be prepared to do it on your own, and if someone gives you something, be pleasantly suprised. If you don't want everything the child has to be second hand, I suggest putting some money aside now for a shopping trip at Wal Mart when your placement arrives. It is definately a huge investment being a foster parent, both emotionally, and money wise, but the rewards are so far above what we give!! Good luck, and keep us posted.
PS We threw an adoption party just after we finalized our adoption and invited all our friends and relatives to help us celebrate the "official" family we became. It was a wonderful way to re-welcome our babies into our family.

[wrekdiver]

Yeah, getting ready for a child of unknown age/size can be daunting
I had my first placement for only 24 hours! I had gone out the night before and spent about 300$ equiping a baby room
Then my second (current) placement turned out to be THE ONE. We are moving forward with an adoption plan. When my coworkers heard that I was going to adopt, they gave me a baby shower-even before the adoption was final! I was really overcome by their thoughtfulness.
So, yeah, when people hear that you actually have a placement and get more details, the offers start rolling in.

[TexasJingles]

I know how you feel!

At my work, they throw a shower for 1st weddings and babies. They threw a shower for one lady right after we took placement of our 3 and I jokingly asked one of the office staff "Do I get one?" I wasn't really expecting one since my kids were 8,9 and 10 at the time, but they do it for everyone else (including the one that adopted an infant).

She said that as soon as the adoption was final that they would. I'm not holding my breath.

The best thing that happened was a friend at another school gave me her son's handmedowns, which looked brand new! That was great for the one that came in with just 2 pairs of pants. And one of my kid's teachers went out and bought them each some shirts and pants. I was shocked at that...she didn't even know me. The clothes were the wrong size (they are starting to wear them now, a year later) but the fact that she went out of her way was just awesome.

But, like you said, it's not the shower so much, but the recognition that you are a parent, and a new one at that. I guess that statement of "life's not fair" applies here. Oh well... hang in there!

[vernellinnj]

My job was very generous - they gave me a shower. I received a few gifts but most people donated toward $500 in AMEX gift checks. The money really came in handy as I used them as I needed them.

My friends had a potluck luncheon for me on a Sunday afternoon.

All of this BEFORE I ever had a placement. I am blessed (and grateful).

[locoenlacabeza]

I understand how you are feeling, but honestly its not very realistic. While fostering IS the same as parenting, it is different in that it takes your family and friends some time to bond with these kids; and possibly even yourself and Dh. It is different in that if you were to have a bio child, first they would have 9 months to get "excited". They would automatically love that one because it is yours and they love you. With fosters its different. They aren't yours, and sometimes no one really knows how long they will be with you. And many people will hold the fosters at arms length because they don't know how long they will be with you. Fostering doesn't just affect you and your Dh. Your loved ones also have to learn to let go when they move on. Everyone deals with that differently. Don't put to many expectations on yourself and those you love.

Here are some suggestions that I have as far as accumulating stuff.
First as soon as a child is placed with me, I let the SW know that I will be needing funds ASAP so that I can buy them the new stuff that they need.
In the mean time, if I have nothing for them, then I go to places like the dollar store and buy whatever they might need.
I keep packages of tooth brushes on hand.
When I see a good buy on stuff I buy those things, to fit the kids that are in my home....If I have not boughten it with THIER money, and they out grow it, I put it away in a box to keep here. If it was a gift, or I bought it for them special or it came from thier yearly alotment and they have out grown it, I put it in a separate box for them to take when they leave. I also keep special papers they have made, maybe letters they have recieved, or pictures.
Also, and this maybe something to look into. Here, we have several foster homes that store extra clothing for emergencies. Anytime we need something we call one another and if that person has it, then we take it and replace it as we are clearing out our own homes. We keep things like diapers, wipes, formula, clothing, diaper bags, backpacks, school supplies etc etc. Anything that might come in handy.
Hope this helped some!

[lakin11]

I agree its going to be hard for the family to get as attached to the children b/c of the "foster" part. And as far as the shower goes, I'm not expecting a big party with a ton of gifts. I know that there is no way you could anticipate what kinds of things we would need for the possibilities of the children that might come here. I guess its just, again, the fact that no one seems to think we need anything. Its very frustrating when other friends get lavished over and we get nothing....
I know, life isn't fair! I just have to get over it
**Maybe when we are going to adopt, we'll have a party. However, it would probably something we organized.
Shannon

[Faith65]

Shannon,

I know how you are feeling because I have felt and at times still feel the same way.

We knew the child we are fost/adotp this is a family members child's. She is 13 my family and friends haven't offerend a shower, help ect. Some friends did give us hand me down cloths. But my parents??? Nothing! But when my brother has had his 6 yes 6 children each and everytime they bought car seats, cribs, cloths, toys ect. When B came to us she had nothing. We had nothing for her including a bed. We went out and purchased all. My parents are not even planning on getting her gifts for Christmas. Mind you this child has been in 13 different placements in the last 4 years. She came with very little and mostly not good. My mother stated she is giving to Red Cross this year. Which is nice and very geniorsy but what about her own?

It's not the fact of the shower but the recongiztion of this child being our daughter of us being parents. We are moving to adopt in 2006. I have no bio of my own and cannot. B came with a lot of behavior and emotional issues. None of which my parents what to share. They only want to hear the postives. It's like they don't want to be reminded that their son is failing as a father and what his lack of parenting skills has caused. WE love our daughter and will move the stars and moon to help her grow into a healthy adult. It's a shame that others don't or can't share in our family.

B is going to be our one and only. She makes our family complete! With or without the support and love from others.

Shannon, I cause what I am saying many see or can't see what we are doing as parenting. I can understand if we where going to be doing fostering and only that it would be alot and I would not expect anything but maybe a meal or how are from time to time. But this is our daughter and she has not been treated like that.

[swsoutherlands]

Our Foster Care trainers have two foster care moms that collect baby/kid stuff. One home has all the things: strollers, cribs, toys, etc. The other home has all the clothes. All these things are donated by the community or by other foster families and are all free of charge to foster parents. Luckily, my husband and I hung onto everything we used for our daughter and were set. But it is nice to know that there is a place I can go for free to get what I need. I wish all of you had access to a place like this too.