[specialcricket]

Hey everyone. I am not sure where to even begin. I have two FS who are almost 4yrs and an infant. They really are not bad kids at all. I thought they would be gone relatively soon after they came. Now, there has to be ICPC and no gurantees they will go then. So, it could be a long placement. My issue is childcare. There is no place close to my home for the infant to go. My husband will have to take kids 4 different places the days I work. I have already had to take off work due to no childcare.
The second issue is the BF. I stupidly gave the BP's my home phone number. I was majorly put on the spot when asked if they could have it to call and check on the kids. The Bmom called the day before Thanksgiving and talked to my husband and said she would like to see the kids. He told her we would be out of town until the weekend. She called yesterday, I returned the call and she didn't get the message. So, she called back and said "I left you a message." I politely told her I returned the call and left her a message. Then she starts in telling me how she doesn't want her kids to get hurt and she doesn't want them to have any bruises. And if they do, she will be "real mad." Was she threatening me? The more I have thought about it the more angry it has made me. I am not the one who made the kids come into care! I would happily let the kids go today if I could. I plan to talk to the workers tomorrow. I don't intend to keep these kids and be threatened the whole time they are here. Am I wrong? I will never give anyone my phone number again. She also told me she wants to see the kids. I explained I have nothing to do with visits, she has to talk to DCS to set those up. Then, she tells me, "I don't have a car and you do. Can you come here for visits?" I have to drive about 45 minutes to the meetings and then she wants me to drive that far for visits too. Gas is not cheap! They weren't at the last visit due to no transportation. Of course, they didn't bother to call and let anyone know they weren't coming,,,so I got to drive there anyway. I have been doing this less than 2 weeks and am really ready to say forget it and have a normal life again!

Sorry, I needed to vent. My husband is gone until the 1st and I am a bit stressed.

[mcnh63]

I don't think you are wrong at ALL!!!
No I don't think you should have given them your number but that isn't the issue anymore. I would call the caseworker and talk to them. Sounds like ** is going to give you a hard time throughout. You will have to decide if this is worth it to you. I think every family has to be truthful with themselves as to what they can and can't deal with.

[Guppy]

If I was you (and I don't know that much about fostering), I would stop all communication with BP. I believe there is no obligation for you to answer the phone or call her. If they wont' get through to you, they will call worker and that's what you want.
I hope your situation will get better soon.

[moogiesmom]

I have at times given my cell phone # out, but not home phone, Kinda funny how ** doesn't want her kids " Hurt" when they were taken away from her for who knows what??, deffinatly talk to sw about moving them, and try tell parents not to call anymore that all communication is going through the sw, if you have caller ID don't anwser unless you know it's NOT them. Sooner or later they will get the message, also because of the transportation issue, if you have a set time for visits, you could talk to sw about her calling you after parents have arrived, then when you get there, their visits start, it's only fair, you should not be put out like that.
hope it works out
Renee

[specialcricket]

Thank you all for your replies. I can not get this off my mind. Unfortunately I don't have caller ID to screen calls. And honestly, if she wants to call and talk to the older FS I don't have an issue with it. But, don't call and tell me you will be "real mad" if your kid gets a bruise. ALL kids get bruises..it is part of being a kid. I should have known there would be issues. The second they saw them at the first visit they started checking them over. The older came with a healing scratch behind his ear. They immediately wanted to know what happened. Then, he has atopic dermatitis...they wanted to know what was wrong with his face..why did he have a rash.

I think maybe I am intimidated too easily...but I really don't need this stress. I should have said "no" when asked to take the placement. The older one is way too close to my daughters age and I really want age 2 and under. They play, but they fight too and he has a big vocaulary and is very bossy in that tone of voice. But, there was the part of me that really wanted an infant...so I said yes. Anyway...I will talk to the workers tomorrow. The bmom is supposed to call today to talk to the older FS. We'll see if she does and what time. He takes a nap and goes to bed by 8:30. Last night he was already in bed. I offered to get him since I had just put him there and she said no. I never knew this would be so "fun."

[5dogz]

I can so relate to your situation! Most of us live in a world where people are honest, mean what they say, and keep their promises. When we were placed with our fs we got our first introduction to the world of drug addiction, and we were "burned" several times by his birth mother before we learned our lesson! Later on our fs' case worker introduced us to the term "magical thinking", which I love. This term covers it all: the assertions that, although she was using heroin for fs's entire life, including in utero, she is still "a good mother"; the phone calls from jail on October 29, in her first month of an 8-month sentence, telling him she would be there to take him trick-or-treating; the promise she made to us when we agreed to take her dog that it would only be for a week until her boyfriend got moved into his new place (we had the poor, neurotic, VERY high-maintenance dog for 18 months and it ruined the carpet and door in fs's room); the desperate way she clung to him, using a pathetic combination of guilt and accusations against us, as he began to lead a normal life that didn't include her. My advice to you is to call the case worker and ask if he/she would be willing to tell the BF that they are no longer allowed to contact you directly. As for the adjustment of bringing two new foster kids into your family: it is tough and stressful but it does get better. Everyone will adjust and things will calm down. Just don't count on the kids leaving any time soon, (unless you decide not to keep them). And don't believe the placement worker when he/she tells you it will ONLY be a week, a month, whatever. Our one-month placement was with us nearly 2 years!! Was it difficult? Yes! Would we do it over again? YES!! Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!

[specialcricket]

I did talk to the workers today. I go through an agency, but all kids come through the state, so I have two workers to deal with directly. The agency worker told me she would have never let me give out my number had she been there. She got the idea that I might want them moved. I just told her I am in over my head. My husband has been out of country since Thanksgiving and his mom died last night. I am home with 4 kids and a bit stressed. I think they will do anything they can to keep us happy enough to not want them moved. The state worker said for me to block their number and if I do talk to them to tell them to talk to her. I definitely know it won't be short term if they stay. We are foster to adopt, but I don't see me wanting to adopt them. Having 2 four year olds is not a lot of fun sometimes. I told the agency I will "keep treading water." We have a permanancy planning meeting/visit on Wednesday. Fun, huh?

[5dogz]

Is this your first foster placement? Foster-to-adopt can be tricky! As you said, there is no guarantee the children placed with you will be children you want to adopt. This happens to lots of people. If you can hang in there, it is possible to make a real and permanent difference in a child's life without becoming a "forever family" for that child. It sounds as if you're going through a very rough time right now, even aside from your foster children. I hope the agency can give you support. Have you asked for respite care? Where we live (in Oregon) respite was available to us on a regular basis and was a GODSEND! Even though we cared for our fs very much, we felt guilty that our daughter no longer got one-on-one time with us. The beginning of a new placement can be especially difficult when you have your own children at home, and even more so if the children are close in age. Your family had changed suddenly and drastically. New foster children are often very needy and more demanding of attention than your own children. I thing that time with your nuclear family is a very reasonable request at this point. You're not alone. Good luck!

[specialcricket]

I have not asked for respite care and noone has mentioned it. The more I think about it I feel it would be better if they were moved. My husband wasn't happy in the beginning that I accepted two kids without asking him first. I talked to him last night and he sounded so stressed. The day after he gets back I am suppose to work. I don't know how he will deal with major jetlag and three kids 4 and under for about 13 hours. Just the combination of everything that has happened seems like it makes sense for them to be moved. I expressed concern to the agency about not getting another placement if I ask for these to be moved. She agreed. But, I can't base my decision on that. The fostercare worker kinda blew off my concerns of the BP's finding out where I live since they have my phone number. She didn't understand how they could do that. I think it would be VERY easy to do. I wish someone could make the decision for me and then tell them and me not have to deal with it. (I sound like a weenie don't I?)

Thanks for all your comments and support.

[Cobb]

Family having our info is relatively new to me since our previous placements have all been out-of-state. Our most recent fd's grandmother has contacted me though. For some reason medicaid sent a letter with our names to the address that mom gave in the hospital (despite the fact that I KNOW the correct info is in the system). Anyway, she called to see if she "could drop it by", before telling me who she was. After she explained, I asked her to forward it to our agency and gave her the address. I recieved an envelope addressed to us the next day. Inside was the medicaid information with the agency address written on it. Apparently, she decided to just look up our address anyway. While we don't necessarily feel a threat, it irks me that she didn't respect our wishes.

Anyway, that your CW lack of understanding for your concerns that the birthfamily will be able to locate you is way off base. It happened to us just last week!!!

I wish you luck as you decide what is best for you and your family... I'm sorry that it is so difficult.

[specialcricket]

That is also a concern. Every appt. I have taken the kis to has required that I give them my info. as FM. My older one went to the dentist...first time ever. He only has 13 cavities! He will have to be put to sleep to have them all repaired at once. That scheduled for February.

[Mommy77777]

I have also had the issue of BP having my info. I didn't mind occasional contact, but when it became clear that she had no intentions of completing her case plan and getting her children back, and that her contact was emotionally harming the kids, I contacted my CW, and told them to have it stopped. It took several times, but she eventually stopped calling. As for the children, if you think you aren't gonna keep them any length of time, it would be better to move them now rather than later after they become attached to you & your family. Moving homes is devastating and confusing to children, but if you know it's gonna happen, my advice is to do it now & not wait. Only you know what you can or can't handle. Maybe at a different time in your life, it would've been ok. Try not to feel guilty. However; in the future, you might want to consider giving more thought to the kids before you take them. Please don't take that as a slam. It's not meant to be that. I'm just saying that the kids can't help ANY of the stuff that happens to them & they have no control. This can have life-long effects on them in a good or bad way, largely depending on us as foster or adoptive parents, and what we decide. I'll be praying for you in your situation.

[specialcricket]

I talked to the agency again today. I explained I thought it was better that they be placed somewhere else. She kept asking if there wasn't anyone who could help me. The answer is "no." I have no family here and all my friends have their own kids and have been covering my work shifts I have had to miss. I explained that I see no way the gmom will get them due to already having so many children in her care. She said she still could. It would be insane if she does. She was going to talk to someone else in the office and call my back, but didn't. I will see her tomorrow at a staffing meeting.

[BethanyB]

You said you were a fost adopt home. Are these kids a fost/adopt placement? Usually when children have been placed for fost/adopt, the foster parents have already agreed to adopt if the children become available before they even enter the home. Was this the case? Or are you a fost/adopt home that takes foster placements as well? Just trying to figure out the situation.

[5dogz]

I've never dealt with an agency, only DHS in our state, but in my experience if you are going to ask for the children to be moved you will probably need to state your needs loudly and often. Placement workers move on to a new set of emergencies each day. They have more in-coming kids to place and it can be very difficult to get them to re-open the file on a set of kids they know are safe where they are. I second the previous opinion that, if they are going to be moved, it should happen as soon as possible. However, it could take some time to find the right placement so you might still have them for awhile. Just don't assume that because you have stated your request to the cw and haven't heard anything, that he or she is working on it. Probably it's on the back burner and you'll need to keep pushing them to find a new placement. My husband has also been upset with me when he has come home and found a child already in residence, and I couldn't contact him to get his approval first. I keep explaining that's the nature of foster care: no one knows when a child is going to come into care, and once they do they need a placement immediately. They can't just sit around the DHS office waiting for hubby to return a phone call! It really does sound as if there are a lot of strikes against you with this placement. Please keep us posted.